President Trump Enacts One-Child Law For Minorities



President Trump has just signed Executive Order E1334-L, which will effectively allow for minorities in the United States to have one child per married couple. Trump signed the order in hopes that less gang-bangers and rapists or drug dealers would be born within the country’s borders.

“The crime rate in this country is out of control, and we are working tirelessly to make sure that everyone is safe and happy,” said Trump. “We’ve stopped criminals and terrorists from entering the country, now we need to stop them from being born here.”

The order, which is effective immediately, is already on appeal by the ACLU on the grounds that people cannot be told in our democratic society how many children they may have, but if not overturned by a judge, will stop anyone who is not white from having more than one child. If a couple who is black, hispanic, Asian, etc, already has more than one child, they are allowed to keep the ones they have, but may not be allowed to have more.

“There are a lot of things involved in controlling this, but I have my best people on it,” said Trump. “We’re looking at the numbers, we’re looking at the people, and this will definitely help to curb the crime rate in the United States. If some black couple somewhere can’t have more than one child, they have a much lower chance of giving birth to gang-banger, a rapist, or a drug dealer. Or a filthy skank, if they had a girl.”


Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure



The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution. 

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, 'Insensitive' Halloween Costumes

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’  The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire.  It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’  The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.

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