The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism

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autism

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

dtap-autism-insert

These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”

 

Scientists Confirm Link Between Chemtrails and Autism

chemtrails

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Community College have been working tirelessly over the last decade in a search for a link between Autism and any other outside source. Today, they’ve released information that they say conclusively links Autism with chemtrails.

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“To think that Autism is caused by vaccines is ridiculous and preposterous,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Vaccines are necessary and important. What is not necessary is chemtrails. Those whispy bits of clouds you see left in the sky after a plane goes by, or those billowing clouds during a new morning sky – those are the things that could very well be giving your child Autism.”

Dr. Brown says that children who are exposed to the hazards of being outside too young can easily “contract” Autism.

“If the hospital is wanting you to take your new baby home, and you look out and see chemtrails, do not take that baby outside. Wait it out, it’s very important,” said Dr. Brown. “A baby exposed to chemtrails is over 0.099873% more likely to end up having Autism than a baby who lives inside, all the time, in a plastic bubble or incubator.”

Dr. Brown says his “startling” finds and study conclusions will be published in his “home medical journal” this month.

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

AUSTIN, Texas – 

In news that has rocked the nation, and in particular the Republican Party, former President George W. Bush has been diagnosed with autism. After classified documents detailing Bush’s childhood and development were released to lead psychiatrists, researchers were unanimous in naming the much-dreaded disease as the source of all of his idiosyncrasies and poor decision making abilities.

“I always suspected something of this kind,” said expert Chris Denio. “He is a very rigid, inflexible man. For example, his insistence on saying ‘nucular’ when he knew the term was ‘nuclear’. His oft-recognized kinship with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, with whom there is definitely something… off. His weird relationship with [former British Prime Minister] Tony Blair – they did a lot of strange things together, like the time they created a blanket fort, but they hardly ever spoke. In fact, Bush hardly ever speaks unless he’s been told what to say.”

Current Iraqi President Fuad Masum expressed outrage at what he called the “arrogance of America. They allowed a man with a deep-seated disorder ruin our country! It’s just like when they allowed an actor to escalate the Cold War. I mean, an actor! To make decisions which could have led to the end of the world as we know it! Bloody Americans. Pfff.”

Friends and family of the politician rallied to his defence, while admitting that Bush truly is autistic.

“It’s not his fault,” said wife Laura. “Blame his parents. They gave him those vaccinations. Besides, he’s high functioning. And he has a wife who’s been behind all his decisions and actions, making sure he never did anything irreversible. Well, okay, war in Iraq was pretty irreversible, but other than that, hardly any f***-ups!”

The former President himself, when reached for comment, simply stated, “I know the square root of 2403302. Do you?”

Jenny McCarthy Preaches New ‘Goating’ Fad, Says To Eat Candy While Still In The Wrapper

LOS ANGELES, California – Jenny McCarthy Preaches New Fad ‘Goating’, Advises To Eat Candy While In The Wrapper

Over the last 7 years, Jenny McCarthy has been able to convince millions of parents to stop vaccinating their children, almost single handedly creating the movement known to the media as anti-vaxxing. Now, McCarthy is working to convince parents that the only way for children to safely consume candy is while it’s still in the wrapper.

A public service announcement released by McCarthy early Monday morning detailed the supposed health benefits of ‘Goating’, or eating still-wrapped candy, and the increased risk of autism in children who eat chocolate and other candies that have been removed from its original wrapper.

McCarthy tells her 700,000 plus Facebook followers that years of research has gone into the theory, and that ‘Goating’ will provide your body with an extra layer of protection from the harmful GMO’s and chemicals found in candy. She said the idea came to her when the family dog got into a bag of fun-sized Milky Way candy bars.

“I knew I was on to something, because chocolate kills dogs normally, but Muffy was fine, just some diarrhea. If eating fully wrapped candy bars can prevent my dog from overdosing on chocolate, it can certainly prevent any child from contracting autism.”

Several respected authorities in the medical community have spoken out against Goating, and are warning the public that the practice of eating fully-wrapped candy carries a far greater health risk than just eating the candy bars normally. Experts are saying that in addition to the obvious choking concerns, the human digestive system is not designed to break down plastic wrappers.

McCarthy has said that she is releasing a book about her studies on ‘Goating’, to be released on October 21st. The book will be titled Goating: Now that’s a Wrap, and will be released just in time for Halloween, when candy eating is at a yearly high for children and adults alike.

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