Trump Awards Most Prestigious Education Award, The President’s Academic Medal, To Son Barron

barron

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.

The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.

“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”

Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.

Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.