LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
Singer Beyoncé and her husband, entertainment mogul Jay-Z, officially announced the birth of their children yesterday, surprising the world by releasing a photo of sextuplets.
“We are extremely happy to welcome to the family our SIX NEW BABIES!” said Beyoncé in an instagram post, accompanied by a picture of the little ones, which she said are all happy and healthy. “We are so #blessed.”
The names of the children have not been released, but Jay-Z said in a social media post that all the babies and mom are “doing great.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Doctors in Atlanta and Marshall Research Hospital have discovered that PepsiCo.’s product, Mt. Dew, is “extremely good” for babies, with 8 out of 10 premature infants in the study reacting positively to heavy doses of the soda, including quicker growth spurts, quicker time removed from respirators, as well as teaching them how to “suck, swallow, and breathe” faster.
“Most premature babies cannot suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, which is why they spend months in hospitals, learning how to eat and drink without choking,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “When we switched their normal formula, which is fed through a tube for most preemies, to Mt. Dew, we saw excellent and noticeable improvement within days.”
Of the 1,000 premature babies that were studied, Dr. Brown says that they had a “100% survival rate,” with 85% of the babies going home before their due date, which is unheard of in standard medical practice.
“We are looking at how Mt. Dew has helped these babies, and the reasoning behind it,” said Brown. “We may also start to try other drinks as well, such as RedBull, to see the effects there. We have high hopes.”
PERKINS, Iowa –
A study performed by scientists at the Perkins Institute of Genetic Studies in Iowa found that children that are fed powdered or liquid formula are more likely to become gay than babies who are fed breastmilk.
The study, which was performed over 20 years at the Perkins Institute followed 200 different babies from the time they were born until the time they were 20 years old. Dr. Sam Klein, who was the lead on the study, said that a whopping 89% of the babies who were given formula turned out to be homosexual.
“There is such a thing as correlation, and there is such a thing as causation, and with these overwhelming numbers, we believe that formula is a direct cause of homosexuality,” said Dr. Klein. “The chemical known as Benozite Carbon, which makes up a large portion of formula, seems to be to blame.”
Benozite Carbon is not found in natural breastmilk, but is needed to lengthen the shelf life of formulas.
Dr. Klein says that they are beginning their second study, which will follow new children, and plans to release his findings in medical journals this summer.
WESTFIELD, South Dakota –
A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.
“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”
Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.
“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”
Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.
“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”
TYSON, West Virginia –
A baby that was born 39 weeks premature has miraculously survived, thanks to quick-work from doctors at a West Virginia hospital.
Doctors say that Missy Carson, 22, gave birth to a baby girl that was 39 weeks early, or approximately one week old. It is the youngest than any baby has ever been born, and unbelievably, the baby is healthy.
“It’s the smallest baby I’ve ever seen outside of an ultrasound,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a pediatric surgeon. “I can’t believe it. It’s barely the size of a quarter, but she’s doing amazing. We have her on little breathing tubes and teeny, tiny feeding tubes, but she’s a real miracle. Mom is doing fine, too.”
“This was my second baby, and it was way, way easier than my first,” said Carson, a waitress. “My son Jonah is 2, and I was in labor for 19 hours. With this baby, I didn’t even feel her come out. I just sort of noticed I was bleeding a tiny bit, and there she was. It was the scariest moment of my life.”
Carson says she has named her daughter Hope Miracle.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Presidential candidates have long been known to kiss babies during meet-and-greets, so much so that it has become common for people to thrust their babies in to the arms of candidates without so much as a word. One woman, though, has plenty to say, as she says her baby contracted herpes after being kissed by Donald Trump during a rally last month.
“I absolutely love the things that Donald Trump says, and I think he’s amazing,” said Irene Jones, 29. “I want my son to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president, because I don’t pay much attention to things in life, but when someone says, basically ‘fuck the Mexicans,’ I listen. But this – this is too much for me to handle.”
Jones says that last month she attended a Trump support rally, and asked the aging billionaire candidate to kiss her baby.
“I thought that’s what you did with babies when you brought them to rallies,” said Jones. “I thrust little Joe over to Trump, he gave him a little squeeze on the cheeks, then kissed him. Now my damn baby has herpes!”
Doctors say that it’s impossible to tell where the baby would have contracted the disease, but Jones says she knows for sure it was Trump.
“I don’t let many people kiss my baby, and I haven’t had an outbreak in months, so I know it’s not from me kissing him,” said Jones. “It had to be Donald. I’m pretty upset, but in the long run, it’s not a bad thing to know that our future president passed his STDs to my son. It’s kind of an honor, almost.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.
Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.
Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”
DENVER, Colorado –
Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.
Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”
Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.
TORONTO, Ontario, Canada –
Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”
As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.
“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”