Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

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RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – 

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

Rolling Stones Guitarist Proud Dad Of Conjoined Twin Girls

LONDON, England – 

Ronnie Wood, guitarist for the Rolling Stones was surprised to find his twin girls are joined at the base of their spine. Although the initial announcement, was, “The girls arrived on 30 May at 22:30 and all are doing brilliantly. The babies are perfect, ” the parents have now announced there are some complications. It is likely the birth defect is due to the advancing ages of Ronnie, 68, and Sally, 38.

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Conjoined twins occur once every 200,000 live births, and their survival is anything but assured. Although more male twins conjoin in the womb than female twins, females are three times as likely as males to be born alive.

Wood is a proud dad nonetheless, and says doctors say they are confident the girls will be able to be separated. “Surgery will be bloody expensive. At this rate me and the boys will never stop touring. It’s not that we don’t want to retire. Every time we’re about to call it quits, one of us has something come up.”

Sally says they will not be releasing pictures, as she does not want the girls to be looked at as some oddity. She says they will not be having any more children after the girls.

“I told Ronnie to pull out. He can’t help himself when he gets so hopped up on Viagra and cocaine. And then I find out it’s twins. We’re so blessed to have them, but by the time they’re 10 their dad will likely have passed on.”

Teen Commits Suicide After Reading Fake News Story About Favorite Band Breaking Up

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CARLSON, Kansas – 

A 14-year-old teen has reportedly committed suicide after reading about his favorite band breaking up on a spoof entertainment news website. The teen, Mark Simpson, had reportedly read on News 14 Now! that the group, Imagine Dragons, would be breaking up following one final tour.

“We told him that the news wasn’t real, that it was definitely a hoax,” said Simpson’s mother, Tammy. “You could tell by the other articles on the website that the whole thing was fake, but Mark kept telling me how all his friends were sharing the article on Facebook, and they wouldn’t share it if it wasn’t true. He was depressed for a week; he wouldn’t even eat or leave his room.”

Mrs. Simpson says that both she and her husband tried to convince Mark to seek help from a psychiatrist, but he wouldn’t budge.

“We even went so far as to message the band directly on their social media pages, just so we could get them to say that they weren’t breaking up, and it was all a hoax,” said George Simpson, Mark’s father. “Unfortunately, by the time they responded, Mark had already died.”

Police were called by Mrs. Simpson after she found Mark dead in his room. He killed himself by turning the volume on his stereo up to the highest volume, and listening to the popular Imagine Dragons song ‘Radioactive’ on repeat with a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.

“The song was so loud, and the bass so heavy, that on repeated plays, it gave him an anuresym,” said Mrs. Simpson. “He left a note that just simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t take it.’ We are extremely upset, because in the end, Imagine Dragons is only okay at best, anyway.”

The band did not immediately respond to comment about the incident. Mrs. Simpson says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Facebook for allowing the fake content to be shared on its website.

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