Champion Gamer Claims Going Outside is ‘Overrated’

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

2014 Call Of Duty (CoD) champion, 32-year-old Gary Greenberg, told interviewers that “going outside, above-ground, is overrated.” According to his own admission, the gamer has not left his mom’s basement since winning the previous tournament, and he only plans to emerge for the 2015 champs. Jane Dough was the brave journalist to enter the aging manchild’s lair.

“I’ve spent some time out there, and it has nothing on my bunker,” he said, alluding to the term he has given the dingy room in which he eats, sleeps, and neglects to shower. “Over here, I’ve got my friends constantly connected via headset, so that I can shout insults at them without the fear of ever meeting them, and I can practice for the next big event in my life.”

Dough asked Greenberg if he has had an interest in love, or even just casual sex.

“Of course I do. Every man has that – especially frustrated unhygienic men like me. But is it worth living in that horrid world of light, ambition, and abject failure? Certainly not.”

Greenberg was asked to describe his favorite aspects of his so-called bunker.

“It’s always warm in here, summer or winter. I don’t have to see anyone, and when people come down here they can’t see me because their eyes never adjust all the way to the dimness. Mostly, though, it’s not above-ground, that overrated shitty world which is home to the vast majority of assholes and jerks.”

Greenberg went on to explain why the CoD tournament was such a big event in his life, considering he had to go into the outside world to participate.

“I want my life to be an example to the youth out there – that they don’t have to settle for their lives. They can be just like me, and have a very successful career.”

Minecraft World Record Holder Naively Thinks He’ll Have Kids to Brag To One Day

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STUBENVILLE, Kentucky –

Minecraft world record holder Stanley Gordon naively believes he’ll have children one day to brag to about his conquest of the virtual universe. The 20-year-old, who says he spends his nights playing the popular game and his days sleeping and masturbating in his basement room, dreams of the family he’ll clearly never have.

“I’m gonna marry someone who loves the gaming world as much as I do,” he gloats, almost endearing in his belief that he’ll have a choice in any woman who hasn’t immediately rejected him. “We’re not gonna be a conventional family, where the parents are boring and always telling the kids what to do. Our parenting will be based on a shared love of fantasy and fun.”

In his deluded mind, Gordon has decided to have only two children because, “it gets lonely if there’s only one, and when there’s three one can get left out.” The wife and two children he’ll never have are going to live in the mansion he’ll design when his Minecraft blog eventually makes it big.

His best friend, known as fartdick69, encourages the Gordon’s sad belief that he’ll find love by suggesting that his own imaginary family will join him for barbecues, where all their mythological family members will enjoy Minecraft together. This, of course, once they live in the same city as each other and have met in person.

“Stan’s a good dude,” wrote fartdick69 from his own basement room. “I can’t wait to finally meet the man who conquered the Minecraft universe. He must be the coolest guy in the world. His future wife will be the luckiest girl around. And maybe she has a friend she’ll introduce me to.”

Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family’s Basement, Admits to Cops He’d Been There For 10 Years

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

A family was in shock to find a homeless man sleeping in the basement of their Laredo, Texas home late Tuesday night. The man, who has been identified by police as Carl Noon, is being charged with breaking and entering along with other minor offenses.

Homeowner Tim Henry says that he and his family have lived in the house for about 14 years. “I tell you, finding that man sleeping in his basement was enough to scare the hell out of me, but when I found out later that he told police that he’d been living down there for over 10 years, I nearly passed out.”

“Well, I mean, I did hear noises downstairs a lot, but I always thought it was the dryer or heater kicking on,” said Tim’s wife, Julie. “Tim said that it was nothing. He put some mouse traps down there, but really it wasn’t ever that concerning. This is just too much to believe.”

Police are continuing to question Noon to see if he had actually been staying there for as long as he says he had. So far, they say there is no evidence to dispute in him making this claim.

“He has no reason to lie about it,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Laredo Police Department. “I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. They call it ‘frogging,’ I believe, which is a more insane version of ‘squatting,’ where you move into an abandoned or empty home. ‘Frogging’ is where people will sneak into your house and live, secretly, with you and your family.”

Noon told officers he thought the house was empty, originally, as at the time the Henry family had been on vacation. When they returned, he says he planned on leaving, but when no one noticed he was there, he just stayed. After only a short time, he become aware of the family’s schedule, and would shower an eat while they were at work and school.

“I always thought that someone had been eating my cookies and milk,” said Tim Henry. “I punished the kids so many times, thinking they were lying about it. Guess I owe them an apology!”

If convicted, Noon faces 6 months to 1 year in jail.