Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Will Suit Up For Charlotte Hornets

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Will Suit Up For Charlotte Hornets

Six-time NBA champion Michael Jordan announced earlier today that after years of time away from the game, he will make an attempt to come back and play for the Charlotte Hornets, the team he co-owns.

Jordan, 51, held a press conference earlier today and shocked sports journalists and fans alike with the possible game-changing announcement.

“After being out of the game more than ten years, and hearing so much talk about Kobe Bryant passing up my all-time point total, I’ve decided to make myself available to my team as a player. I can still shoot the rock, did y’all doubt that?” Jordan said as he laughed.

Head coach of the Hornets, Steve Clifford, who was also on hand for the press conference, was asked if he thought the aging Jordan would be an asset to the team as a player.

“Are you kidding me? We are talking about MJ here, best player that ever played the game. Do you guys think that he doesn’t get out there on the court with our guys regularly in practice? In my opinion, he came back a long time ago, he just didn’t play in games,” Clifford said.

Jordan went on to explain that it was actually Clifford who talked him into suiting up in a Hornets uniform. “For the last couple of years, I’ve gotten out there a couple times a week during practice, Steve has always joked about me getting back on the court for real,” explained Jordan. “Then, right before the season started, I had a really good scrimmage where I just crushed most of the guys, and that planted the seed in my mind.”

“The one valuable lesson I’ve learned in my life is that anything is possible to anyone, anywhere, any place and any time. I mean – I’m Michael Jordan. I’ve won six NBA titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, I’ve saved the world from an alien invasion with Bugs Bunny, and hell, I even played professional baseball. Now I own a NBA team. What have I learned? I’ve learned that if you really want to do something, all you really have to do to be successful is Just Do It.”

Jordan, who passed his physical, is expected to be in uniform and on the bench ready to play within the next two or three weeks.

Online Debate Over Kentucky College Basketball Programs Causes Man To Murder Friend

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Online Debate Over Kentucky College Basketball Programs Causes Man To Murder Friend222

Jason Hargrove, 28, of Louisville, Kentucky has been charged in the shooting death of his best friend, 29-year-old Michael Jenkins, also of Louisville, after the two got into an argument over which school has the superior men’s college basketball program, the University of Kentucky or the University of Louisville.

Apparently the shooting was not over the actual teams, though, but over annoyance at Jenkins’ use of bad grammar during their Facebook chat.

According to Michelle Baker, girlfriend of the accused Hargrove, the argument started when Hargrove, a Louisville Cardinals sports fan, and Jenkins, a loyal University of Kentucky fan, began chatting on Facebook about which of the two teams would win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament this season.

Baker told Louisville Metro Police Department detectives that the conversation had been going on for over an hour, when Hargrove abruptly smashed a full bottle of beer over his computer, and began yelling wildly, which startled her while in another room. Baker says when she entered the room to ask what was wrong, Hargrove was ‘going wild.’

“Jason said to me, [Jenkins] is a stupid, worthless, piece of shit UK fan! I’m sick of reading his nonsensical dribble! I don’t even know how we have been friends for so long! When a guy doesn’t even know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then that illiterate son of a bitch should be killed!” Baker said in her statement to police.

According to a LMPD spokesperson, the two began to make threats against one another, at which point Hargrove loaded his gun and walked next door, where Jenkins lived, and shot him at a point-blank range four times. He then took a red Sharpie marker and wrote, ‘Go Cards!’ on the dying mans forehead. No one else was in Jenkins’ trailer at the time.

Both University of Kentucky head coach, John Calipari, and University of Louisville coach, Rick Pitino, were asked about the incident, and both coaches commented on how the fans take the rivalry way too seriously.

“Coaching college basketball is my career, it is all I know and I can still sleep at night knowing it is just a game,” Pitino said. “College basketball fans in the state of Kentucky get ridiculous. I wish I could say this shocks me but it absolutely does not. Things like this are another reason I think social media is senseless – the world is full of idiots, they say things they don’t mean or have any knowledge about, and besides that, you can’t believe anything you read on the internet.”

“The fans around here are crazy. I’m sure the guy will claim temporary insanity, and it will probably hold up in court because people in this state are all insane during basketball season,” Calipari said. “That’s the reason why our program puts so much effort into funding the basketball program, and we go after the best players money can buy. Our lives may very well depend on it.”

NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.

 

New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

NEW YORK CITY, New York – New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

With the thoughts of racism and Donald Sterling still fresh in the minds of the NBA and its fans, a new rule change is trying to make a better case for equality in the organization. According to insiders, officials from the NBA held a meeting late Wednesday evening, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule, which is being called ‘Sighting,’ refers to each team having at least one white player on the court at all times. According to reports, the NBA franchise owners have found it not fair to have all African-Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a basis for which every team would forced to have at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said a team owner who would only speak to us anonymously. “Race has become a big issue in our sport this year, and we knew we needed to make a change in this situation. Now, we know that the fans would rather see guys slamming in dunks and having exciting games, but in order to calm race issues in our sport, we are going to have to settle with seeing 5 foot-nothing white players barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect in the 2015 NBA season, which will also force some NBA teams to draft a few new white players. According to the rule changes, any team that does not have an active white player on their roster, and on the court during play, could end up fined.

Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens Twice During NBA Career

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens On Two Separate Occasions

Controversial ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said in a radio interview on Louisville sports station WKRD 790 AM that he was abducted by aliens twice during his NBA career. While on the road promoting his soon-to-be-released biography, The Constant Rebound, Rodman, for the first time, spoke about being abducted by aliens.

“I was playing for the Spurs in 1993 and I was abducted by aliens two different times during the off-season,” Rodman said casually while being asked about his antics on and off the court. Thinking that Rodman was joking, sports talk show host Tony ‘Birdman’ Griffith immediately laughed during the live interview. “No, I’m completely serious, and for the first time ever, I am coming forward and announcing it. I have been dealing with it for years and there are others out there afraid to say anything, so on their behalf I wish to come forward,” Rodman said adamantly. “The world noticed a drastic change in my behavior when I was a player, and later on when I tried my hand at acting – which I sincerely apologize for, by the way – and it’s high-time I admit that my behavior was a direct result of my alien abductions.”

Griffith then apologized for laughing, and commented by saying, “Oh my God, you are serious, I’m so sorry. So how did this affect your basketball career?”

“They did something to me, and I don’t mean via anal probes necessarily, and it actually seemed to help my game and opened my mind as a human being. I was scared to death when it happened, and I still have dreams about it every night, but I honestly think [the aliens] are here to help us. The problem is that the people who are abducted have a hard time understanding and coping with it, most keep it a secret. I kept it a secret because I was afraid people would think I was, ironically enough, crazy,” Rodman said.

Rodman went on to say the alien abductions are brought up in detail in the book, which has not yet been released. “This is only my second interview promoting the book, I figured I need to get that off my chest sooner rather than later. My book will be released sometime in January. My agent figured that we should get a jump on promotion, he knew I was nervous about what people would think of me,” Rodman told Griffith.  “If you get my book when it comes out, you will read all about it, we don’t have enough time to get into it anymore today. My time in North Korea was related to the abductions, but I am not prepared to talk about that right now. So don’t ask,” Rodman added, referring to his bizarre trips to North Korea to meet with leader Kim Jong-un.

Griffith immediately went on to change the subject of North Korea and asked Rodman about the three championships he won with the Chicago Bulls from 1995-1998. “So you are in Chicago playing with Jordan and Pippen with Phil Jackson as your coach, what was that like? What was the team chemistry like on that team during the three-peat run?” Griffith asked.

“It was the only time in my career that I felt like I was understood. Phil Jackson knew how my mind worked and got the best out of me. He was more of a friend than a coach. It was great playing with all those guys, something that will stay with me the rest of my life,” Rodman replied.

The official release date of the book has not been set, however it is expected to hit bookshelves sometime in January.

 

 

University of Kentucky Suspends Women’s Sports, Football Program Starting 2015

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – University of Kentucky Athletic Director Says Women's Sports, Football Program Will Be Suspended Indefinitely Starting 2015

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart announced in a press conference just hours ago that the University will suspend funding for its football program and all women’s sports for the 2015-2016 season.

The struggling football program has not won an SEC conference championship since 1976, and even then they tied with Georgia making them c0-champions. “We are just not relevant in football in the SEC, moving to a different conference is out of the question. This is basketball country, and for that, we need all the money we can get our hands on,” Barnhart said earlier today. “Operating these sports, paying for the scholarships, feeding the student athletes, making travel arrangements – it all costs us more money than we bring in. This is not a decision we have made lightly, but it has been decided the money, time, and effort would be more suitably spent funding men’s basketball and building a new basketball arena.”

U of K officials had become infuriated with the state’s lack of help in funding development for a new basketball arena. After the state chipped in and helped their long time rival, the University of Louisville, build one of the countries most up-to-date, state of the art basketball arenas, The KFC YUM! Center in downtown Louisville, they figured it was their time. They waited and waited, but the help never came.

“This is a basketball state, and the University of Kentucky is the premier basketball program in all of basketball, yet the state helps our in-state rival instead of us… it’s like a punch in the face. Therefore we have been forced to discontinue nearly all other sport programs,” Barnhart said.

When asked how long the suspension of the programs will go on, Barnhart said that they intend to re-instate some of the programs for the 2016-2017 seasons but definitely no earlier than that. “If everything goes as planned, we will gather all the resources we need to fund a new arena and take care of our men’s basketball team and their families during that year. And then hopefully we can start bringing the suspended programs back into business.”

Kentucky fans do not seem too distraught by the shocking decision. Edgar Williams of Shepherdsville, Kentucky, who refers to himself as a ‘lifelong U of K fan’ said he was glad they were ditching the girls.

“Hell I don’t give a damn about those other sports anyways. We can’t play football to save our damn lives, and nobody gives a damn about girls sports, I mean who goes to watch a bunch of girls play games? Perverts that’s who. Fine by me. This is basketball country,” Williams said.

The University of Kentucky is well-known for its colorful, wild, and wacky basketball fans. In a recent survey taken by a national media outlet, they were ranked the 2nd most obnoxious fans in the country.

Basketball coach John Calipari was asked about the decision to suspend funding for other sports, and he said he didn’t like it but his team needs to be taken care of. “It’s a cruel world, my kids play their hearts out, they deserve to play in a state of the art arena like the one in Louisville. We are tired of being looked at as the inferior program in the state while we are actually the best basketball program in history. So what, that other Kentucky school is good in all sports. This is a basketball state, don’t they know that?” Calipari said with a quirky smile.

Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

LOS ANGELES, California – Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

Donald Sterling, disgraced Los Angeles Clippers owner, has announced that he will agree to sell the team, bringing an end to the months-long legal battle between himself and the NBA. Sterling however, does not plan to go quietly into the night, and is in talks with Redskins owner Dan Snyder over a proposed deal to purchase the team, which has had its own issues with perceived racism as of late. Sterling spoke to ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews about his reasoning.

“Well, honey, it seems like my welcome in LA is worn out. They say I’m antiquated, a relic, and maybe I am. Sure, I’m a little over the hill, but I still enjoy the company of a lovely lady like yourself. I also enjoy the thrill of owning a sports franchise. Those beautiful black bodies exerting themselves to achieve a common goal. I imagine that’s how the South was built. I heard mumblings around the country club that Danny was getting fed up with this whole ‘racial slur’ garbage, and I thought to myself, ‘Now that’s a team I could own’. Of course if the deal goes through, I’ll have to clear up the nonsense with these bloodsuckers trying to soak up legal fees by forcing a great football franchise to change its identity. Mind you, I’ve got a few papers to sign yet, but we’ve already hammered out the particulars. As near as I can recall, Washington was built on the backs of the black man. Even now, they have that black quarterback. A real workhorse, that one. I’ll be damn proud to call him my own. As far as the name business goes, those damn Indians should be glad we let them hang around as we turned this wilderness into the great land that it is today, not to mention naming a premier sports franchise in their honor.”

Andrews, looking incredulous, asked Mr. Sterling what he thought of Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, making a public statement regarding his promise to fight tooth-and-nail to keep him from buying the team.

“That old Irishman? He’s not as tough as he makes himself out to be. I was a Jew in this country before being a Jew was an admirable thing. I know a thing or two about being told ‘no.’ Despite the anti-semites in the business world, I scratched and clawed my way to the top. If that ginger b—— thinks he can keep me from achieving my goals, he’s in for a real big surprise. He’s the one who’s got a problem with race, not me. You should have heard him on the phone the other day. He sounded like a red-haired Hitler. I don’t care if he is the Fuhrer of the NFL, his little legal team is no match for my legislative wehrmacht. I’ll get my team, and I’ll pay those Indians their price, and we’ll get this damn thing back on the right track.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a league spokesman was willing to address the possible Sterling buyout.

“The league feels that he’s a crazy old man that shouldn’t be involved in running anything. There are no plans at this time to let Mr. Sterling buy anything, but as he has said, people have tried to hold him back from his goals his entire life. I’d say that there is at least an outside chance that Donald Sterling could be the next owner of the Washington Redskins.

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