Second Giant Skull Washes Up On Beach In San Francisco, California

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SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

In November, experts were baffled after a giant skull of an unknown creature washed ashore on the beaches of San Francisco, leaving many to wonder how it was possible that the creature had gone unnoticed for so long.

“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore back in January when the first skull was found. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

On Monday, a second skull washed ashore, just 3 miles down the coast from the original finding. Experts say they are still conducting studies to determine the origins of the skulls. Public interest has been at an all-time high after the announcement was made by the California Coast Guard of Monday’s findings.

“We are extremely excited, although slightly terrified, that these skulls continue to was ashore,” said Marine Biologist Joel Gluck. “As we mentioned back in November, these creatures are going unnoticed in our waters, and dying, and washing ashore. Based on their size, they could level a killer whale if need be, so we’re extremely interested in determining its methods of staying undetected.”

The Coast Guards warns that if more skulls continue to appear, they may be forced to close the beaches for an undetermined amount of time, until it is cleared for safety reasons.

State Of Florida Passes Law Which Makes Nudity Legal At All Public Beaches

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TALLAHASSEE, Florida-

The state of Florida has made a bold change to its laws concerning nudity at public beaches, and this one might ruffle some feathers. Beginning August 1st, full nudity will be legal at all public beaches – as long as you obtain a Florida State Nudity License (FSNL).

Governor Rick Scott approved the bill passed by the state legislature making public nudity at state-owned beaches legal, and he encourages tourists and residents to make use of new law. “Today is a great day. Not only will it be legal to hang out at the beach totally nude, but we encourage you do to so,” Governor Scott said. “As long as you are a fairly attractive person, nobody is going to complain.”

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One part of the new law, which may be infuriating to some, is the weight limits for those who may strip down completely. “If you are overweight by more than twenty pounds, you will not be given a license. You will be politely asked to go on a diet and come back at a later date to try again. It really is not that complicated.” Scott said. “We want everyone to enjoy this. Obtaining a license will not be hard for those who meet all of our standards, and it will be a quick and easy process. Residents and guests in the state may visit any of our town halls, where we will have employees trained to record the weight of those wishing to go nude. You will also be asked to submit a picture of your face and genitals. If you’re not too ugly or fat, then they will  issue you a license for a fee of only $10, which will be good for 1 year.”

Residents in several communities have said that they are really torn on the subject.

“On one hand, everyone likes to freeball it once in a while,” said Miami resident Jacob Miller, 58. “On the other hand, my wrinkly penis probably won’t pass the inspection, so I more than likely can’t get a license issued anyway. Thankfully, I live right on the beach, so even if I can’t be nude, I can enjoy all the fine young ladies who will be walking around, muffs exposed.”

Myrtle Beach To Start Accepting Sand Dollars As Currency

MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina –  Myrtle Beach To Starting Sand Dollars As Currency

According to Myrtle Beach mayor John Plunkett, the utopia of the east coast will now be accepting sand dollars as currency.

With costs of all tourist expenses skyrocketing, the city decided it needed more options for currency. “There just aren’t enough dollars and cents to generate revenue anymore, especially with the rental costs for a beach umbrella at a shocking $1.00 per minute, and on a beach that could really use a good cleaning at that,” said Plunkett. As for value, one sand dollar will equal one American dollar. “We discussed this a lot, it was a very hard decision. But we figured with the word ‘dollar’ already in the mix, people would get very confused if it meant anything else.”

To be accepted as currency, sand dollars must be dead and dry. “You can’t just take a walk on the beach, find a sand dollar and try to buy a Corona with it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but for this to work we need our tourists and residents to have a grain of sand of dignity!” said Plunkett. “And trust me, a lot of research went into this, so we know what a sand dollar looks like if you use a hair dryer on it.”

The sand dollars will go into effect as real money in Myrtle Beach starting the first of next month. “The city consulted all local businesses about this, and we all agreed it would be great for us,” said local resident and waiter Boyd “Spanky” Gotcrabbes. “I can’t even express how excited I am to have hundreds of sand dollars to display on my mantle when I get home from a shift at the Crabs. No, not that kind! Shack. Crab shack! And sand dollars can’t even fit in a jar, so if I need a few bucks for a drink, all I have to do is grab some decorations, and head off to the bar.”

Plunkett, and the city of Myrtle Beach, are excited for the prospects of this new development. “If this works, other cities will do it…Charleston, Greenville, Columbia. It could even move up all the way to North Carolina. Maybe one day we’ll be in the history books for being the town that saved America from its terrible recession, and not just a boozy beach town with really expensive umbrella rentals.”

 

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