Amazon Breaking Into Alcohol Sales Using New Dash Button

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SEATTLE, Washington – 

Amazon’s one-click Dash program will soon be expanding, including an option to order Pabst Blue Ribbon. The retail giant will be adding “dozens of new brands” to the service, which already offers a wide range of items from toilet paper and diapers to drinks and pet food.

Introduced last March, the Dash button was designed to offer faster, simpler ordering for members of its $99-per year Amazon Prime service. As opposed to opening up Amazon on a computer or phone, users would order a Dash button and then simply press it to reorder that particular item. In the year since the company first announced the product, Dash has grown to include over 100 brands. To celebrate the product’s one year anniversary the company in March added several big names. Among them: Brawny, Charmin, Clorox, Doritos, Energizer, Lysol, Peet’s Coffee, Playtex, Purina, Red Bull, Starbucks, Trojan, and Vitamin Water.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is particularly excited about the new beer option. “Dash for Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to save lives, especially in areas with same day delivery. No longer will alcoholics have to drive to the liquor store. They’ll order discounted cases from us, and when they’re getting low, all they need to do is hit a button.”

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

empire-news-US-regulators-Looking-To-Lower-Drinking-Age-From-21-to-12

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

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“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

U.S. Regulators Looking To Drop Legal Drinking Age From 21 To 12

WASHINTON, D.C. – empire-news-US-regulators-Looking-To-Lower-Drinking-Age-From-21-to-12

United States regulators have recently announced their plans to drop the legal drinking age from 21 to 12, citing the minimum-age drinking laws of other many other countries around the world, some of which are even lower.

“It’s really far, far too high of an age. Everyone knows that kids sneak alcohol long before they turn 21. We just want to make it legal for them to do so.” Said Congressman Alex Silver of Denver. “I let my 14 year old drink all the time at home. He’s perfectly fine, a straight-C+ student. You couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Federal lawmakers have generally left it up to individual states to regulate their minimum age for drinking laws, but these new statutes would generally supersede most states’ laws, allowing pre-teens across the country to get their drink on.

“Ohmygod I cannot wait to do some shots, shots, shotshotshotshot shots with my friends!” Said Felisia Ann, a 16 year old from Concord, New Hampshire. “Normally I would just let some college dude get to second base with me behind the liquor store, and then he’d buy it for me. This is so much better. I’m super stoked that they’re looking to lower the age. I’ve gotta text my friends and let them know we will be able to stop drinking rubbing alcohol and cough syrup!”

Parents of young teens are naturally outraged at the government’s decision to step in and lower the drinking age.

“It would be one thing if they lowered it back to 18, like it used to be.” Said Cassie Jones, a mother of 3 teenage girls. “I’ve always thought there was no problem with it being 18. We let people go to Iraq and kill at 18, but they can’t drink? It’s absurd. But what’s even more absurd is Joe-Law thinking my kid should be allowed to drink at age 12. At that age they’re barely off the bottle as it is, and now they want to put a new bottle in their mouth? Please.”

Representative Sam Clemens, of Pennsylvania, disagrees.

“In France, Germany, Ireland – all over the world, kids are allowed to drink at an extremely young age.” Said Clemens. “Even younger than 12 in some cases, and those children, they will have a wine with dinner or a bottle of whisky instead of a juice box. Those countries don’t exactly have strikingly high rates of alcoholism, either. Well, maybe Ireland, but that’s obvious.”

Regardless of federal regulations, most parents have said that they will not be permitting their children to have any alcohol until they are much older.

“There is no way that my son is going to have any booze. He’s barely 14.” Said Joe Goldsmith, of Kentucky. “When I was 14, I couldn’t drink or my father would have taken a belt to my ass. So I did what most 14 year olds did, and I smoked a ton of weed. If my son wants to get high, that’s fine, but he’s certainly not going to be brown-bagging it with his friends on the weekends.”

“No matter what my parents say, if this law passes, I’m getting [expletive] smashed.” Said Ann. “I’m so excited for this. I was seriously like a half-step away from sleeping with guys just to get alcohol. This just changed all that. Now I can save myself for the right guy…or at least wait until I’m so blasted I can’t remember a thing.”

 

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick’s Day With More Diverse ‘National Drunk Day’ In 2016

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick's Day With More Diverse 'National Drunk Day' In 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Following years of racial inequality, the United States is finally making the right move: in 2016, the previously Irish-centric holiday St. Patrick’s Day will be replaced with the more diversity-friendly and honestly titled “National Drunk Day.”

Proponents of this change say St. Patrick’s Day, while historical in nature, had little to do with Irish history in modern times and was really all about drinking green beer. With the holiday declared, certain traditions are encouraged to remain intact, including said green beer and women having an excuse to wear tight and revealing green clothing. The hope is that these colors will still be relevant as people will get so drunk they end up puking up green bile.

President Obama recently spoke of his support for this change. “Most Americans are too stupid to understand the real meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day anyway. It only tarnishes Irish history and gets in the way of things our country is really about – alcoholism, degrading women, and partying.”

By removing the Irish component to the holiday, people of all backgrounds will be able to feel more welcome to celebrate it. In fact, changing the title to National Drunk Day invites the diversity of the American spirit, as it truly defines the nation’s Greatest Past-time.

Some opposition to this change has made its way to the surface, mostly in the form of those trying to “maintain the intellectual integrity of our nation.” Their cries fall on deaf – and mostly drunk – ears, however, and show no promise of having any sway.

Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

 Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

If you happen to be on the lower peg of the economic ladder and also enjoy a stiff beverage, great news is coming your way. To any person in the United States that is given food stamps, you will now be eligible to use these benefits at any liquor store in the nation. For any amount of benefits that you receive, you will be able to spend any amount of your food stamps on any type of alcoholic beverage, beer or hard liquor.

In an attempt to curb the illegal sale of food stamps, government officials decided to “cut out the middle man” and allow them to be used for alcohol.

“Basically, many recipients of food stamps were selling their monthly allotment, handing over the card, and taking cash. They’d then use the cash to buy booze or drugs,” said senator Mitch Larson (D-Delaware.) “We can’t very well allow people to use their food stamp cards to buy drugs, but we can stop the sale of food stamp money by just allowing it to be able to be used for alcohol. It’s just economics at work, really.”

While food stamps were invented to help out those that couldn’t afford to buy the items to cook a hot meal, many people who receive the benefits say that as adults, they should have the right to choose what their government handout can be used on at any given time.

“I’m 68-years-old, and if I want a bottle of bourbon with my Hungry Man dinner, then sumbitch, I should be able to get one,” said Marv Gordon, a Vietnam Veteran who receives $225 a month in food stamp benefits. “My grandson was giving me money before, and I’d let him take the card to the store and pick up some food for himself, but this is a lot easier.”

Already many liquor stores are accepting food stamps at their locations, and members of congress say that all stores selling alcohol must accept food stamps by April 31st of this year.

There has been an outcry from the public, especially Republican voters, that the benefits are already abused enough, and that adding alcohol sales will only further compound the issue. Government officials say, though, that those people complaining about the change happen to not need any government help, so their opinions don’t really matter.

 

 

Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

Taco Bell

 

IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are very intrigued about the news. However, members of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) are outraged at the announcement, and are asking the American public to boycott the franchise. Mary Jane Weedman, one of M.A.D.D.’s most recognized spokeswomen in Denver, Colorado, says that alcohol should never be offered in any drive-thru location.

“This is simply not a very well thought out plan, we could understand offering customers good quality marijuana, but not ice cold beer and margaritas, this is totally unacceptable,” Weedman said.

Blake Mitchell, a freshman at Colorado State University disagrees. “Dude, I think it is totally legit!” the aspiring hip-hop artist stated. “I mean like, sometimes when you are trying to maintain that buzz and have to go grab a bite to eat, it is totally inconvenient, you know what I’m saying? This way we can grab a cold brew and a few chalupas and be on our way. I paid good money for a fake I.D., so I’m like stoked!” Mitchell said. “Plus, I heard Taco Bell is also going to have some, like, gooey Cap ‘N’ Crunch dessert balls thing, so they are definitely going to be getting a lot more of my money from now on.”

 

Anheuser-Busch To Reduce Alcohol Content By Half In Budweiser, Bud Light To Maintain Affordability

Anheuser-Busch To Reduce Alcohol Content By Half In Budweiser, Bud Light To Maintain Affordability

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

President of Anheuser-Busch Luiz Fernando Edmond announced today that the company will reduce the alcohol content by volume in Budweiser beer from 5.0% to 2.5%, and Bud Light from 4.2% down to 2.1% in order to maintain the current affordable prices of each product – the two most popular beers in the United States of America.

Edmond said that the company also took into consideration that reducing the ABV content would make drunk drivers less dangerous. “We here at Anheuser-Busch believe it is our responsibility to keep our loyal customers safe, all the while providing them with a high quality, yet very affordable, premium lager,” Edmond said.

When asked whether he believed the reduction in alcohol content would upset longtime drinkers of the All-American brews, Edmond said that those who consume such prestigious beers such as Budweiser and Bud Light just want a great tasting, satisfying beer.

“Our honest belief is that our customers do not drink our wonderful products to get drunk, they drink them because they love the taste and the smooth way it goes down,” Edmond said. “Besides, drinking a beer with two-percent alcohol doesn’t make it ‘near beer’ or non-alcoholic beer, it just makes it a great beer for those on the go. When one consumes a six-pack, he will be able to drive home safely to his family. Quality, affordability, and family. That is what we here at Anheuser-Busch are all about!”

Budweiser and Bud Light products with the lower alcohol content are expected to arrive on shelves in March.

Pabst Brewing Company Announces Shut Down, Sale To Anheuser-Busch

LOS ANGELES, California – Pabst Brewing Company Announces Shut Down, Sale To Anheuser-Busch

The premium lager brewing company Pabst, best know for their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, announced this morning that after 170 years in business, the company would be closing their factories, and selling their assets to Anheuser-Busch.

Since 1844, Pabst Brewing Company has been providing people their delightful medium bodied American style lager, and many beer lovers are saddened and confused by the sudden announcement.

“It has been a couple years since I’ve had a Pabst Blue Ribbon, but I never though they’d go anywhere, either,” said Marriott College senior Joe Goldsmith. “I guess I should lay off the good beer for a bit, and get some PBR before it’s gone forever.”

“After 170 years of beer business, the name and its associations have far exceeded what anyone ever would have expected it to, but times have changed dramatically,” said brew master Aaron Silver. “We honestly thought that this new hipster movement thing would really help boost sales, because hipsters seem to enjoy horrible beers. We were huge in the 70s and 80s, thanks to college drinking taking a massive spike after movies like Animal House came out. Now, though, college kids aren’t binge drinking as often, and when they are, they’re choosing higher-end beers and liquor. We can’t compete with the Sam Adams and Guinesses of the world, and our sales are proof that even legacy can die.”

Anheuser-Busch is said to be acquiring Pabst for only about $62,000, plus 43 cases of Bud Light. The company says that they were initially hoping to continue releasing PBR in its traditional can and original recipe, but licensing issues are forcing changes. Instead, plans to develop what they are calling Pabst Turquoise Ribbon are currently underway, and the new beer should begin hitting shelves next fall.

Chuck E. Cheese’s Plans Customer Background Checks To Deter Sex Offenders

IRVING, Texas – Chuck E. Cheese's Plans Customer Background Checks To Deter Sex Offenders

This morning the children’s entertainment franchise Chuck E. Cheese’s has announced their intention to deploy a new policy that will take effect January 2015. The company has decided it will require all customers to consent to a background check before entering their establishments. The company has said that if a potential guest shows up on the National Sex Offender Registry, they will be prohibited from entering the business.

Shortly after the official announcement, Morty Archibald, a Chuck E. Cheese’s General Manager and company spokesperson told the media that he expects the new policy to be the biggest win the company has seen in decades.

Archibald said “Look, it’s no secret; our net worth has drastically decreased since the 1980’s, primarily due to the perception that our business fosters an environment that attracts pedophiles and sex offenders that are just itching to snatch a kid, and partly due to the fact that we’re an arcade, which no one really cares about anymore.”

“If I’m being completely honest,” continued Archibald, “I’ve seen the parents that bring their kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s and I am of the belief that many of these kids would probably be better off with the child molesters and pedophiles. God, these parents are horrible sometimes. Most of them drink for hours straight, and then we let them drive these kids home. Why in the hell do we even serve alcohol?! Anyway, unfortunately our patrons and shareholders just don’t see it the same was that I do.”

According to Chuck E. Cheese’s, guests should now expect a 60 – 90 minute wait before entering the building. The spokesperson said that they will have a ‘shack-like’ building in the parking lot in which an employee will run a background check and provide all guests that have passed the check with a colored wristband.

The company will be requiring an upfront $25 fee from all potential guests. They say the fee will be going towards the cost of checking the National Sex Offender Registry, however the fee has been a point of controversy as the mentioned registry is available online for free.

Archibald said that on top of the background checks, Chuck E. Cheese’s will also become a ‘loner-free’ zone.

“We are no longer going to be allowing adults without children into our buildings, regardless of the background check. Chuck E. Cheese’s sees absolutely no reason that any adult would want to come here without bringing a child. This is just another way to make sure we’re keeping the creeps out, and the families happy.”

In addition, employees will be able to deny potential guests entrance at their discretion, even if the guest passes the background check. Archibald said “We will be encouraging our employees to use their natural instincts to discriminate against customers. We honestly feel it’s better to offend several minorities than lose one child.”

Though many are welcoming the company’s new policy, others say it’s just a washed out company’s sad attempt to regain relevance while charging unnecessary fees.

 

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