Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Dr. Ben Carson’s Name Appears On Leaked List of KKK Members

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a curious reveal of private information, Dr. Ben Carson, a member of the Republican party who is currently running for president, was listed in the database of names released by Anonymous that detailed membership in the Ku Klux Klan.

According to the hacker group, Carson is part of the South Knights of Order, a long-standing KKK affiliated group based out of Alabama. According to Carson himself, though, Anonymous got it wrong.

“I have no idea where this information comes from, but it’s definitely not accurate,” said Carson. “There is no way that I would ever associate with a group so entwined with the hatred of my people. It just doesn’t make sense. I think even if they tried to recruit me, I would just ignore them. I’d say ‘I think you want that white guy over there,’ and be on my way.”

According to Anonymous members, though, all of the information they’ve released is 100% accurate. In a note left on the message boards of 4Chan, Anonymous members say that Dr. Carson is a liar who is trying to save face.

“No one would elect a black KKK member into the presidency,” said user MartianMartin94. “If Carson were white, he might still have a chance, but because he’s black and in the Klan, there’s no way anyone will vote for him now. I mean, Donald Trump is a bigot and a moron, but he’s white, so he might still get in. Carson is finished, though.”

Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Arrested For Conspiracy In Popeye’s Chicken Robbery

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”

Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.

For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.

“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”

Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.