32 College Students ‘Feel The Bern’ After Political Rally Turns Into Orgy, Spreads Chlamydia

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KEENE, New Hampshire –

A group of college students at Keene State College in New Hampshire have all recently been treated in local hospitals for Chlamydia and a host of other STDs after a recent political rally in support of Bernie Sanders turned into a full-blown orgy.

“Everything started innocently enough. We were meeting to help figure out ways to support candidate Sanders, and things were going well,” said rally leader Joe Goldsmith. “After a few hours and a lot of drinks, one thing lead to another, and soon all 32 of us had our clothes off, and well, you know what happened.”

According to doctors at Keene Memorial Hospital, all 32 of the involved students contracted various STDs, including chlamydia and genital warts.

“This is what happens when young people get together and try to change the world,” said Dr. Myles Kennefic. “They lose their focus, and everyone gets fucked. This is what the world is coming to. That’s why I’m voting Trump.”

Hillary Clinton Announces Her Plans To Drop From Presidential Race

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has announced that she will be stepping down from the campaign trail, suspending her plans to become the next President of the United States. The announcement comes after a loss in the New Hampshire primaries earlier this week, to Democrat Bernie Sanders.

“New Hampshire has successfully chosen the president for the last several decades. If you win in New Hampshire, you’ve won the vote,” said Clinton. “I can’t compete with Bernie Sanders, anyway. He has secured the young vote. He has the blacks and the Latinos. He has everyone, and he even has most of the woman vote. He cannot be stopped. Even I’ve started to Feel The Bern.”

“I am glad that she has stepped down. It clears the way for a Sanders victory,” said New Hampshire resident Joe Goldsmith. “I voted for Bernie in the primaries, as did everyone else. Hillary is soulless, and would never have won. Have you looked at her eyes? They’re empty. There’s nothing behind them. It’s like that Stephen King movie The Dead Zone. She’s evil incarnate.”

Bernie Sanders Plans Sex Change Surgery To Garner Votes From Women

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Bernie Sanders, who has been leading the polls against Hillary Clinton, announced today that there was one segment of the vote that he was not able to grasp, and that was the women vote.

“I’ve got the African-Americans, the poor, the white, the tall, the skinny, the fat – I’ve got it all, baby,” said Sanders to a packed town hall in New Hampshire on Monday morning. “The one thing I haven’t been able to get is the woman vote. Clinton has that locked in because she was born with a vagina, and that’s one thing I couldn’t compete with. Until now.”

Sanders went on to say that he would be undergoing sex reassignment surgery to better understand what a woman goes through, and he hopes that this will also help to get more women to vote for him.

“I can promise a lot of things, but I can’t promise that I know what it’s like to pee sitting down, or to have breasts and nurse a child, and with this surgery, these changes, I will. And by the end of the year, when it’s time to cast your ballots for president, I will be able to fully encompass all people, even women.”

Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.