Bill Clinton Files For Divorce From ‘Nagging Wife’ Hillary



Public records indicate that former president Bill Clinton has filed for divorce from his wife, current presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

A lawyer for Ex-President Clinton said that he had “no comment” at this time, but said that Clinton himself had issued a partial statement on the matter:

For those who are wondering, yes, I have decided to leave Hillary after decades of marriage. The reasons are personal and, well – actually, a lot of the reasons are very, very public, too – but most of them are personal. I like having sex with multiple women, and Hillary likes to control everything, including me. It’s become too hard to live with such a maniacal, egotistical woman, and when she becomes president, it will ruin this marriage even further. We cannot see eye-to-eye, and so it is time for me to end this. I do not want to have sexual relations with that woman.

According to a lawyer, who does not represent either party, a divorce with this much equity, real estate, and other massive-ticket items, could take some time to sort out. It’s entirely likely that the pair will still be legally married until well after Hillary is sworn into office.

Monica Lewinsky Says She Is Voting For Hillary Clinton



Former presidential intern and the world’s second most famous presidential lay, Monica Lewinsky, has gone on record saying that she will be voting for her old flame’s wife, Hillary Clinton, in the next election.

Lewinsky, who is a staunch anti-bullying activist, says she couldn’t possibly vote for Trump, because he’s “the biggest bully” she’s ever seen.

“I’ve spent years trying to stop bullying, in life and online, with children, teens, and adults, so what kind of message would it send if I voted for Donald Trump?” asked Lewinsky. “I understand that there are some weird ramifications of me voting for my former lover’s wife, but you know, those were different times. That dress has long since been burned, if you know what I mean.”

Lewinsky says that she had originally thought about voting for Jill Stein, but Stein’s anti-vaccine sentiment made her think better.

“It’s definitely a woman’s place to be in the Oval Office, behind the resolute desk, and I don’t just mean on her knees,” said Lewinsky.

Bill Clinton Takes LSD Hit Back Stage At DNC

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

It may not have been obvious to everyone, but Bill Clinton was higher than a kite during his wife’s “legendary” DNC speech Thursday evening. The former president was reportedly seen taking large hits of LSD back stage before joining Hillary Clinton at the podium, where he spent several minutes spacing out, and then playing with balloons.

“I have never seen anyone drop so much at once,” said a Clinton campaign staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “He looked right at me, offered me some, and I had to take a pass. So he just took a whole bunch himself. It was intense. We tried to stop him, but you know, he’s pretty ornery for an old man.”

Hillary Clinton appeared to ignore her husband completely while he stared at confetti being dropped from the ceiling, and while he spent several minutes playing with balloons, including carrying a large one around on stage before kicking it into the crowd.

“This night is fantastic, you’re all fantastic, and everyone is so fucking awesome, man,” Bill Clinton reportedly said to reporters after the event had died down. “I don’t know how you’re all doing that swirly motion thing with your eyes, but it’s tripping me out in so many sick ways.”


Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters



Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

Presidential Race Starts To Get Bloody After Sanders Challenges Opponents



In an attempt to secure the sick and desperate demographic, Bernie Sanders donated blood plasma to help those afflicted with problems ranging from Kawasaki disease to hemophilia. He called for other candidates to take a break from campaigning and do the same.

Plasma donation is more time-consuming than giving blood, in that the blood is drawn from one arm and channeled through an automated machine that collects plasma and returns the red blood cells. The screening process is also more difficult, baring donors from having tattoos or piercings.

Hilary Clinton tried, in an attempt to follow Sanders’ lead, to give plasma but was not able to make a donation due to the small tattoo on her buttocks that says “Bill.” She reportedly told the nurse, “I was going to say I never regretted getting that tattoo more, but that’s untrue. There was another time I regretted it more…”

Trump’s campaign managers say he will not be donating plasma, as Trump cannot be sure his donation wouldn’t be given to affluent white males or attractive women.

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary



Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies



Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

Political Shocker: Bill Clinton To Tour Campaign Circuit In Support Of Donald Trump


According to sources inside the Trump campaign, former president Bill Clinton will be hitting the campaign trail next month in support of the toupee-wearing candidate.

“Bill Clinton reached out to us last week, and asked to be included in the campaign,” said Trump’s campaign president Rick Moyer. “I was honestly a little taken aback. I can’t believe he wouldn’t support his own wife in the election.”

“Hey man, I can support whoever I’d like. Just because I married her doesn’t mean I thought she’d make a good president. I just thought she’d make a good wife and mom,” said Bill Clinton. “She’s great at those things. She’s great at a lot of things, if you know what I mean. Well, not all things. Sometimes you gotta get your interns to do those things. I digress, though. My point is, she’d make a horrible president. Donald Trump on the other hand, now there’s a man who knows how to get things done.”

According to a press release issued by the Trump campaign, Bill Clinton will hit the campaign circuit and speak on behalf of Trump in areas where his poll numbers are lacking.

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary



In an unexpected move, Chelsea Clinton has announced her plans to run in the presidential primaries in 2016. This will be the first time a mother and daughter have competed against each other for the official hot seat.

Although she has no political experience, the 34-year-old says that her father’s time as president has put her in good stead.

“Old Bill provided a good role model for me,” she stated in a letter to the press. “He did some really good stuff while in office, but that Monica Lewinsky business – that’s what stuck with most people. I know it’s not popular to say, but it kinda saved his reputation. Were it not for that public stain, the metaphoric one, not the literal one, he’d barely be remembered as the butter between the Bush sandwich. So I know what I have to do if things start going downhill.”

She also said that her mother’s position as secretary of state, as well as her own failed and current presidential bids, have only helped her cause.

“My mom’s the favorite among the Democrats, even though no one likes her. Let’s face it – I’m the only likeable Clinton left.”

Political analysts are divided on what this fresh candidate will mean for 2016. A handful believe she has a chance, because the public are desperate enough to try anything that hasn’t been tried before.

“She’ll probably be shit, but we just cannot know,” said CNN correspondent Merson Mandzukic. “For all we know it will be the best thing to happen to this country. Imagine, for example, that Sarah Palin had been our vice-president, or even president. Most of us shudder at the thought, but could a bumbling idiot with no bad intentions really be worse than some of the dross we’ve had down the line?”

Others have been less kind. Fox reporter, Olga Brown, believes this is the worst thing that could have happened to politics.

“It breaks all the rules of politics,” she was heard complaining to a coworker. “A political career based entirely on the reputation of the family? George Bush, Sr. would be turning in his grave if he was dead.”

Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

SAN JOSE, California – Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

The most infamous blue dress in the world, associated with the most sensational Presidential scandal in recent history, has reared its ugly head once again.

The garment, stained with the DNA provided by former President Bill Clinton, was originally purchased by Lewinsky from the GAP clothing store, and showed up on the online auction site last week.  An online bidder known only as ‘William J. Slickton’ of New York, entered the winning bid of $288,050.10.

“Slick Willie” was the nickname given to Bill Clinton, a reference to his deal-making skills while Governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and from 1983 to 1992.

The question of the day is, could William J. Slickton actually be William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States?  Although does not disclose personal member details beyond those provided by the user in his or her profile, what is known so far offers clues as to the identity of the winning bidder:

William Slickton has been a member of the BetMe community for 3 years.  Previous winning bids have been for golf equipment, a vintage saxophone case, several crossword puzzle books, and an antique pre-Civil War hand-drawn map of Arkansas.  The items link to hobbies, activities, and interests enjoyed by the former President.

Professional Hacker ‘’ obtained the unique IP address of William J. Slickton’s computer in order to determine the location where the auction transaction took place.  The locale was Chappaqua, New York, site of the Clinton’s home.

Will this disclosure hurt former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s chances to become the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee?  Empire News asked presidential historian Hedda Parsons to offer insights.  “There’s always a risk of damage when bringing up a scandal,” said Parsons.  “The question remains, would the former President actually be so bold as to use an online identity so closely related to his own nickname?  And why would he want a dress with his DNA all over it in the first place?  Everyone knows that in Washington you can’t wear the same outfit twice – let alone re-wear a dress that someone has … well, we all know the mess that was made all over that dress.”

Questions about Clinton’s judgment are indeed valid.  Many feel that the choice to initiate a liaison with a 22-year-old intern in the Oval Office demonstrated a severe lapse in judgment, and it lead to Clinton’s impeachment in 1998.

As to who put the dress up for auction in the first place, Monica Lewinsky remains tight-lipped.  In a statement provided by her attorney, Ms. Lewinksy said “The dress was used as evidence during Prosecutor Ken Starr’s trial and was no longer in my possession.  The events in question occurred during a very dark period in my life.  Since then, I have washed my hands of the whole affair and have continued to move forward.”

No comment has been issued by the former President.

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