Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show ‘Shark Tank’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Although they had tried to keep the news quiet, ABC recently confirmed rumors that the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, the former chairman of Microsoft Computers, would be a guest on their hit TV series Shark Tank.

“We are super, super excited to get Bill Gates onto our show,” said producer Ryan Miller. “He’s the richest man in the world, worth over $52 billion dollars. He could theoretically invest in any product that comes his way, and whether it’s a winner or a loser, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest – he’d still be the richest man in the world.”

Fans of the show they are very excited to see Gates on the series, as he is well known for his extreme generosity when it comes to charities and investments.

“It’s going to be so cool! I hope he invests in everything,” said fan Marsha Tyler on the Shark Tank Facebook page. “He’s literally the American dream – build something, steal some things, drop out of college, and burn your way to the top. It’s amazing!”

Several people, though, are not as enthusiastic about Gates coming onto the show – the current panel of “Shark” Investors.

Marc Cuban, who is the only billionaire sitting regularly on the panel, says there is already animosity towards him because he is more wealthy than all the other sharks – combined.

“They already hate me because I make great business decisions, and I’m worth more money than all of them together,” Said Cuban. “Personally, I appreciate when others have success, even if it’s more success than me. I’m super happy to have Bill come on the show – but I know the others will be insanely jealous. Even the super-rich get jealous of those that have more than they do.”

Other guests on the show have included comedian and entrepreneur Jeff Foxworthy, who has an estimated net worth of $100 million, and GoPro Camera inventor Nicholas Woodman, who is the wealthiest investor to appear on the show so far, worth over $3.5 billion. Mark Cuban is worth an estimated $2.7 billion.

Bill Gates says he is “excited” to be on the show, but doesn’t know what he is looking to invest in, but hopes that at least one of the companies has created a new, better prophylactic.

Bill Gates Lobbies To Have His Face Put On U.S. $20 Bills

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MEDINA, Washington –

Billionaire businessman and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is lobbying to have his face put onto U.S. $20 bills. The move comes in response to a growing desire to see “more original” money in circulation, and aims to replace President Andrew Jackson. Jackson has been the face of the $20 bill since 1928, but the 7th President of America is controversial in some circles and many want him off their money.

“I’ve worked hard my whole life to get to where I am today,” Bill Gates told the press. “I’m really rich so, technically, I should be able to get anything I want. I want to be on the $20 notes, and that should be granted to me. I have lots and lots of money. Since I own more money, and ergo, more twenty dollar bills than anyone else on the planet, I should be able to have my face on them.”

But critics say that, just because he has so much money, does not mean he owns the actual concept.

“Yes, he owns lots of currency,” said Lupel Troon. “But he doesn’t own the currency. That is the possession of the American people, and won’t change, even if he manages to possess most of it.”

Other pundits have been more amenable to Gates’s demands.

“He is the greatest manifestation of the American dream. It only stands to reason that he should be honored for this, and what more appropriate way than to put him on the money?”

Communist group, Equality For All (EFA), have rallied against Gates, saying he represents “everything that is wrong with America.”

“This is why capitalism does not work! It’s just another word for greed. Every American citizen should be represented on the currency, because we all work hard, and everyone deserves equal. Imagine no possessions – it’s easy if you try.”

Gates responded dismissively, saying, “Screw the commies. How do they even still exist? Anyway, they’re not gonna get in the way of big money.”

The bulk of our great capitalist nation tends to agree.

Bill Gates Loses $1 Billion Dollars At Horse Races

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Bill Gates is reportedly missing one billion dollars after he lost it at the race tracks. Gates said that he was just there to watch the horses, and the money must have fallen out of his pocket. Sources say that, although he never bets, he can often be seen at the tracks, as he is a big lover of the majestic equines.

“He graces us with his presence all the time,” said track owner Reilly O’Connor. “We let him examine each horse, explain which ones are the favorites, which are the best bets, how the weather conditions will affect them, and all sorts of other insider information. Then he sits down with a drink and placidly watches.”

Top Forbes journalist, Macy Taylor, spoke to us about what impact this has on his status in the financial world.

“Bill essentially lost 1.25% of his net worth. Although that sounds small, when you’re dealing with big numbers, it’s enough to feed a small country for the rest of their lives,” said Taylor. “Still, it is not enough to oust him from his position as the richest man in the world.”

However, close friend and associate to the business magnate, John Henry, says there is cause for concern.

“He’s doing it more and more often,” he told the press. “Last week it was $10 million while watching a poker tournament. The week before it was $100 million visiting the restaurant at a casino. Maybe he shouldn’t be carrying such big amounts around, but what’s really concerning is how absent-minded he’s become.”

When asked about the incident, Gates chuckled nervously and said, “I guess it’s time to get some new pairs of pants. The old ones obviously have big holes in the pockets!”

Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MEDINA, Washington –

In a bizarre kidnapping incident, billionaire co-founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, paid a reported $12 Million ransom for the safe return of his beloved pet, a 45-year-old Australian Lungfish named Buster. The suspect, who warned Gates not to contact police after stealthily kidnapping the fish, remains at large.

After the fish was safely returned to his Medina, Washington residence, it was then that Gates contacted police. According to Medina Police Department spokesperson Lester McShay, Gates did not contact police during the incident out of fear that the suspect would go through with his threat to kill Buster.

“Mr. Gates made an emotional judgement call in not contacting police out of fear of retaliation, and decided that the twelve-million dollars meant nothing compared to the life of Buster, a fish he has owned since he was a young boy,” McShay said in an early morning press briefing. “It remains unclear whether or not the assailant acted alone, or with a team of bandits.”

Gates has stepped up security at his Medina estate by hiring off-duty police officers, as advised by Medina Police chief Leonardo Roscorelli, a close friend of his.

McShay stated that Gates never actually saw the suspect on his property, and surveillance cameras captured images of a man wearing a blackout suit, in which the entire body, including face and eyes, are covered.

“It is like something out of a movie, this guy really knew what he was doing. What we have not figured out is how he knew about the loving relationship between Buster and Bill Gates. This may have been an inside job, committed by someone he has befriended,” McShay explained. “Surveillance cameras located outside Mr. Gates’ residence only showed the man running away while carrying a large plastic container of the Rubbermaid brand. No getaway vehicle was spotted on any of the video surveillance, unfortunately.”

Buster is said to be healthy and in good spirits following the traumatic incident.

Microsoft Founder Bill Gates ‘Comes Out’ As Homosexual

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

At the end of October, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in an interview that he was homosexual, and that he felt that being gay was the ‘greatest gift God had given [him.]’ The acknowledgment made Cook the first CEO of a Fortune 500 company to ever ‘come out’ publicly as homosexual. Not to be outdone by Apple, Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates announced today that he, too, was gay.

“Yes, I’ve been married for many years, and I’ve got a great, loving family,” said Gates. “But in reality, I’m gay. I’m actually extra, super gay. I’m at least twice as gay as Tim, and God gave me this gift first, I just didn’t want to brag about it. Yup – gay gay gay.”

The announcement came as no shock to Gates’ family, who said that over the years he had always been driven to be better than his competitors, no matter what the topic at hand.

“Bill has always wanted to be the best. If he couldn’t be the best, he borrowed from the best, bought out the best, or just stole from the best – and then improved on it,” said wife Melinda Gates. “I think that’s what he’s doing here, with this whole ‘coming out’ thing, and announcing his ‘extra gayness.’ Tim [Cook] is a friend and a colleague in the industry, but Bill can’t let anyone beat him at anything, no matter what. I support him, regardless.”

“Right now, I’m actually discussing options for changing the name of the XBox systems to something else, because ‘box’ is slang for women’s genitalia, and I’m just so gay that I don’t even want to think about that,” said Gates. “Personally, I’m leaning towards calling it the XBoner, but we might just call the console ‘GayPenisGayGayGay.’ I think it will work either way. Marketing and development are working on going over the changes as we speak. Gay!”

Reportedly, Gates is spending several million dollars to have his mansion painted in hues of pink and purple, as well as installing Greek marble statues of naked men throughout the grounds, just to prove how much ‘more homosexual’ he is than Cook.

Bill Gates Files For Chapter 7 Bankruptcy

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

One of the richest men to ever walk the planet has fallen on some very hard times lately after sales of some Microsoft flagship products, including the XBox One and the Microsoft Surface, have severely underperformed.

With a net-worth of $76 billion dollars, Bill Gates was thought to be hands-down in great shape finically, but recent reports are that Gates has secretly filed for bankruptcy. News hit the media this morning, and Gates’ accountants and investors are scrambling to figure out where everything went wrong.

He may have some overseas accounts, claim some investors, but nothing is certain at this moment.

A man who single-handedly built, scratched, scraped, and stole to build such a powerful company – and gained a lot of money by doing so – is looking at losing it all. This mean his homes, private helicopters, and perhaps even his company.

A financial advisor, who does not work for Gates, had some theories as to the downfall of such a massive fortune.

“I think it was pretty much all the lousy products they’ve put out in the last couple years,” said Myles Kennefic, a Wall Street financier. “Windows 8, the new video game system, and the Surface Tablet – oh God, the Surface – it’s like Gates couldn’t catch a break. Even putting the Start Menu back into Windows couldn’t save his fortune.”

Microsoft’s stock was apparently unaffected by the announcement. Gates himself didn’t seem to worried, posing for pictures with fans outside of his attorney’s office.

“Minor setback, no big deal,” Said Gates. “I might not have billions of dollars laying around anymore, but I am sure I won’t be going hungry any time soon, don’t worry.”