President Obama’s Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 Million At Auction

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

At a political fundraising auction Monday night, the only known copy of President Obama’s birth certificate sold for a whopping $3.4 million dollars to a private bidder. The bids from Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump both fell short in a bidding war that raised money for the DNC. Speculation as to who actually was the highest bidder ranges from ultra-liberal George Soros, to the Republic of China.

“I don’t know who bought my birth certificate, nor do I care, although I’m sure conservative conspiracies theories will keep FOX NEWS busy for months to come,” said President Obama. “The reason I’m here today is to announce a new alliance with Iran. I am lifting all restrictions on their nuclear enrichment programs. After talking to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I have decided that he has many valid points, and he has convinced me on his views of the holocaust being a lie, and that the Jews are the root of all evil in the world. On Khamenei advice, the United States will no longer recognize the State of Israel and I will stand with him in declaring Israelis as unlawful occupiers of the holy land. I would like to stress my changed stand on Iran has nothing to do with my birth certificate. Khamenei is just a very well-spoken person who has changed my mind on some things. He certainly didn’t buy my birth certificate and is blackmailing me with its information, and anyone who says otherwise is a racist.”

“It is clear our country has just been sold to the highest bidder,” said Republican talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. ”President Hussein Obama has signed a death certificate for our closest friends, the Israelis, just to protect his dirty little secret that he is not a natural-born citizen. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is being blackmailed by a foreign government. It should’ve been me who won the bidding, and then this wouldn’t be happening. I told Trump we should pool our money and team up in the bidding, but that guys ego is bigger than his buildings.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”