Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

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FORTH WORTH, Texas – 

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

KKK To Add New Chapter For African-Americans

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MOBILE, Alabama – 

In what many bigots are calling “disgusting” and “unbelievable,” the Ku Klux Klan has announced today that they will be starting a new chapter for African-Americans, with hopes that they can “branch out” to people who might not have previously thought of the Klan as a go-to club.

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“It’s about time that us whites in the Klan opened our arms to our nigger brothers,” said Grand Wizard Joseph Smith. “Over the years our numbers have dwindled to the point of near-joke levels. Even those skinheads and neo-Nazi guys have more members than we do, and that’s just not right.”

Grand Wizard Smith says that if they get enough “negroes” to join up, they may also expand their membership to “spics and Jews,” too.

“Everyone deserves an opportunity to join one of the oldest, least-respected organizations in the United States,” said Smith. “We only hope that them blacks can overcome their pre-conceived notions of who we are, and come see for themselves. To celebrate, on August 1st we are having a big ol’ barbeque, with plenty of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape Kool-Aid to welcome our black brothers.”

 

New Dating Website ‘WhitePeopleMeet.Com’ Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

New Dating Website 'WhitePeopleMeet.Com' Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

A new Silicon Valley start-up is already making waves after a soft launch of their website was completed last week. The new website, whitepeoplemeet.com, is a dating website based around only people who are 100% Caucasian, and automatically filters out anyone who isn’t white based on choices made during account setup, and also using face-matching software when a user uploads their images.

“If our system sees a black face is uploaded by a user, that account will automatically be locked until as such time the user can prove that they are white, or it will be deleted completely if they are, in fact, found to be of another ethnicity,” said site creator and designer, Jeb Michaels. “We want this website to be designed and aimed specifically at the white crowd. It’s not about being racist, it’s just about white people wanting to find other white people to date and sleep with.”

Michaels says that for people who are fussing over his website, they are not understanding the true point of what he is trying to accomplish.

“There are plenty of black-oriented things out there. They’ve got their BET Network. They’ve got BlackPeopleMeet.com – there’s no law that says I can’t do the same things, and focus on the beauty, culture, and heritage of the white person,” said Michaels. “We already have a very strong userbase built up, made up of white folks who want to date other white folks. It’s definitely not odd to be attracted only to someone of the same skin color as you.”

“Personally, I think it’s extremely racist,” said Paul Jemarcus, 28, an African-American from Queens, New York. “It’s not that I want to be on some white-bread dating website or something, but to be fair, I really like those big white-girl asses, and you can’t find a lot of those on blackpeoplemeet.com. Guess it’s just sticking with Tinder for now. I hope this new website get shut down.”

So far, Michaels says that they have signed up more than 25,000 people for their service, and have received only 18,000 hate emails and death threats.

Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over ‘Game Of War’ Ads Starring Kate Upton

Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over 'Game Of War' Ads Starring Kate Upton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The White Persons Movement, or WPM, is apparently very heated over a new commercial. Group President Peter Weinberg announced in his weekly press conference this morning that he has received a letter from group cabinet members stating that the ‘Game of War’ ads on the internet and television, which show off the busty, blonde, silky-skinned snowflake Kate Upton, are far ‘too sexy’ for men to handle, especially African-Americans.

“It is with love of our African-American brothers that we share our concern with the entire nation,” Weinberg said. “We here at the WAP are not racists, and we want to help our brown brethren. We know that most black men cannot resist the love of a busty white woman, and these ads go too far. Not to mention how mad their wives get when Upton’s breasts are dangerously close to exploding off television screens, computers and cell phones.”

Kim Kardashian-West has also spoke out against the advertisement recently. “I just think it is inappropriate, she has all her junk just poppin’ out. I mean really, like who does she think she is? She doesn’t even have a talent, does she?” Kardashian said . “It really pisses me off actually, everybody been talkin’ about her. I mean enough is enough, we are sick of you. A real woman doesn’t just put her stuff out there for the world to see.”

Even comedian Bill Cosby used the ads as material during a sold-out stand-up performance, “All I have to say is, Kate Upton! Now! Youuuu…seee…what I, as a black mannnnnn have to deal with? Bouncy, bouncy, Jello cups and Vanilla Puddin’ Pops! It is …ENOUGH…to drive a man to desperate measures! There is nothing as sexy as a good, healthy white woman!” Cosby explained with trademark silly faces.

Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To African-Americans

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To AFrican Americans

With the riots and outrage sparked by videos of unarmed black men being abused by police on camera, the Missouri congress has proposed a bill prohibiting the sale of all video recording devices, including cell phones with camera, to all blacks with a Missouri address.

The proposed bill, which is being called The Blindfold Act, would not only prohibit all black citizens in the state from buying camera phones or other video recording devices, but would also require all blacks already in possession of the items to hand them over to their local police department. Compensation for the device would be provided, up to $150. Those who fail to follow the instructions of the Missouri government would then be charged with a felony if found in possession of a recording device.

Senior Senator of Missouri, Democrat Claire McCaskill, has issued a statement to press, explaining the bill in detail and all but guaranteeing that the proposed law would more than likely be passed when congress votes on the proposal in January.

“One thing democrats and Republicans both can agree on in this state is that the black community all across Missouri commits a much higher percentage of crime than any other race, putting them on the biggest stage, in front of the most irresponsible citizens, who always seem to meddle in the business of the police.” said McCaskill.

Even Democratic Representatives Lacy Clay Jr., and Emmanuel Cleaver II, who are the only African-American members of the Missouri congress, are in full support of the proposed bill.

“Until the black community learns how to keep from being caught by police, we don’t deserve to possess the ability to video tape police who are just trying to do their jobs,” Clay Jr. said. “We have too many of our people living off the government, collecting checks, yet they still complain on how we conduct our business. They need to quit meddling, for real.”

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