South Carolina Man Burns Himself Alive After Trump Victory In Primaries

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COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

Mark Jacobs, 27, was found dead in the front yard of his home yesterday, after police say he burned himself alive over Donald Trump’s win in the primaries.

According to a post left on Jacobs’ Facebook page Saturday afternoon, he was “extremely distraught” over the fact that Trump was leading in the elections, and that he “didn’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

“If I have to live in a world where Donald Trump is not only winning elections, but also has an extremely good shot of becoming our next president, I don’t even want to be alive,” said the Facebook post. “It’s absurd and insane that anyone with a rational, thinking brain would vote for him, and it’s time I sacrifice myself to show the world how horrible of a decision voting in Trump would be.”

According to police, Jacobs covered himself in Bernie Sanders bumper stickers and flyers, dumped a gallon of gasoline over himself, and lit a match.

“The fire was super intense,” said Mary Lambert, a neighbor. “I started smelling something burning, and then I saw the flames through my living room window. I ran outside, and I saw poor Mark all ablaze. It’s sad that he had to die to show the world how horrible Trump really is. I guess, though, that no one is ‘feeling the Bern’ like Mark.”

Family Loses House After Christmas Lights Cause Massive Fire

BUXTON, Maine – 

A family in Maine who decorated their house far, far too early for Christmas have reportedly lost everything after the lights they placed around their house caught fire, destroying the home in a massive blaze.

The Miller family of 35 Willow Lane in Buxton, Maine, say that every year at this time they decorate their house for the upcoming holiday season.

“Not for Halloween, though, that’s the Devil’s holiday,” said Mary Buxton, 42. “We skip the entire concept of Halloween and go right to Christmas. The beautiful lights, the colors, the fake snow. We love it. We always decorate for Christmas at the end of October.”

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According to police, though, this year the Millers’ received a stroke of bad luck, after a string of Christmas lights the family hung outside blew, the sparks causing a fire that destroyed the home.

“Thankfully, no one was injured in the horrific blaze,” said fire chief Mike Pooler. “I will say, though, that this should be a lesson to everyone to not rush into the Christmas spirit. If you are decorating for Christmas now, I am of the opinion your house deserves to burn to the ground. I mean, I tried to save the home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Burn, you house of Christmas! Burn!'”

The Miller family says they are starting a GoFundMe page to try and raise money to replace the Christmas presents that were already inside the home under their stupid fake tree.

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