Waitress Fired For Throwing Coke In Man’s Face; Man Claims He’s Blinded From Assault

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coca-cola

DELUTH, Iowa – 

Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.

Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”

Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”

Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

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BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

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“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

 

Man Claims He Went Blind After Binge-Watching Netflix Series

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CUPERTINO, California – 

Paul Jones, 37, is an avid fan of movies and TV series. A former movie theatre projectionist, Jones’ personal library of films is over 4,000 titles, but he soon may be selling them all, as he says he will no longer be able to enjoy movies after going blind from binge-watching Netflix series.

“I loved movies, I loved TV, but that’s all over for me now,” said Jones, who watched the entire series of Orange is the New Black over the course of just a few days. “I got hooked on it, despite its silly storylines and abysmal acting by the lead character, and I sat, staring at my TV for almost 3 straight days. I didn’t sleep at all. Binge-watching for days straight was not a good idea.”

Jones says that staying up for 3 days doing nothing but watching Netflix caused him to lose almost 80% vision in both of his eyes.

“Doctors say that it was a really bad move on my part, and I guess they must have been right,” said Jones. “I’m ashamed and embarrassed that my life has come to this, but I needed to get my story out there. I wanted to warn everyone else. Binge watching is harmful. Go back to the old days of doing things. Watch a show when it airs on TV. If it doesn’t air, like Orange, then watch one episode a week on a certain night. Just pretend. Don’t end up like me.”

Young Girl Who Was Born Blind Has Eye Implants Donated From Pet Chicken

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HUNSTVILLE, Alabama – 

Megan Clarke was born blind in both eyes, a rare condition doctors say was caused by a low dose of radiation from an X-ray her mother received before she knew she was pregnant.

“All Megan ever wanted from the time she could talk was to be able to see like the other kids, watch Dora The Explorer like the other kids, and look at the clouds and see shapes like the other kids,” said Megan’s mother, Marsha Clarke. “We thought for sure that Megan would be blind her entire life.”

Doctors say, though, that a generous donation of eyes from Megan’s pet chicken, Mrs. Cluckers, was able to help save the day.

“Mrs. Cluckers was a chicken that we got for Megan when she was 2,” said Marsha. “She never went anywhere with Mrs. Cluckers. It was cute, but slightly annoying. Chickens aren’t very clean animals. At any rate, Mrs. Cluckers had perfect 20/20 vision, so doctors swapped her eyes with Megan’s eyes.”

“Poor Mrs. Cluckers is now blind in both eyes, but Megan can see perfectly,” said surgeon Dr. Charles DeMar. “We had originally planned on just killing Mrs. Cluckers to use her eyes, but Megan said she’d rather stay blind than have Mrs. Cluckers be dead. So, we did what we thought was right, and we swapped their eyes.”

The operation reportedly took over 15 hours, but when it was completed, Megan had full vision in both eyes.

“It’s was a remarkable success,” said Marsha Clarke. “Sadly, Mrs. Cluckers will never be the same again. She wanders around now, just running into everything, and she looks creepy as hell with human eyes, but you know, Megan can see, and that’s all that matters.”

Ray Charles’ Former Wife Says Singer’s Blindness Was Just An ‘Elaborate Hoax’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 'Ray Charles Was Never Blind, Faked The Whole Thing' Says Former Wife of Musician

In a exclusive interview, Cindy Charles – 2nd wife of singer Ray Charles – came clean about what she says is Ray’s ‘biggest secret.’ Cindy, who is the mother of 2 of Ray Charles’ 12 children, says that Charles was not actually blind.

“I didn’t know Ray when he was a child, but I can tell you what he told me,” said Cindy Charles. ”Pretending to be blind started out as just an elaborate hoax to get out of chores when he was just about seven years old. Ray’s mom was a strict, God-fearing woman, and she told Ray, ‘If I find out you’re lying about your eyes, boy, I’ll tan your hide and you’ll burn with the Devil for lying to your Mama!’ So that’s how it started, and that’s how it continued for so long.”

“All his life, he had to walk around, bumping into things, any time someone was around who didn’t know his secret. I’m not sure how many people knew that he could see perfectly, but it wasn’t long before Ray realized that being blind had it’s advantages – at least when the blindness wasn’t real,” continued Cindy Charles. “He could ‘accidently’ touch girls breasts – which coincidentally was how we met one night. Also, he didn’t have to get a job, so he was able to concentrate on his music.”

“All of that head bobbing back and forth when he played piano, well that was just part of the act. What you couldn’t see because of the dark glasses was that he was looking down to see what he was playing,” said former manager Joe Goldsmith. “The reason everybody who knew kept it a secret was the money – nobody wanted to stop that money train. Ray had 12 kids with 10 different women – that’s a lot of paying off. I know he was keeping me in the good life for quite awhile back in the day.”

“The money train has dried up, though, and why I’m telling this story,” said Cindy Charles. “Legend that he is, ain’t nobody buying Ray’s music anymore. Rap, hip-hop, and free music downloads stopped putting food on the table ages ago. If it hadn’t been for Jamie Foxx and that movie a few years back bringing Ray’s story to life on screen, I think I’d have spilled the beans a long time ago.”

 

Columbia Records and the Ray Charles estate deny all accusations made by Cindy Charles. “Nonsense” was their only comment.

 

Helen Keller Driving School Opens In Tuscumbia, Alabama

TUSCUMBIA, Alabama – Helen Keller Driving School Opens In Tuscumbia, Alabama

John Cadbury has his famous chocolates, William Colgate’s toothpaste is a household name, and now, Helen Keller has a driving school named after her.

The first blind and deaf woman to earn a bachelor’s degree in the United States was author, humanitarian and educator Helen Keller. Born in 1880, Keller overcame the effects of “brain fever” at the age of 2, which left her without sight or hearing.  What would have held others back only fueled Keller to overcome these “disabilities” and inspire millions throughout the world.

“Tuscumbia is her birthplace, and we’re proud of her,” says Margaret Cullen, co-owner of what was known as Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive up until last month.  “She’s always been my hero,” said Cullen, “and I wanted to pay her tribute.”

Cullen’s “tribute” has made headlines at the expense of the 58-year-old driving instructor’s school, and the town of Tuscumbia.

“I never meant for this thing to be taken the way it’s been taken,” said Cullen.  “All of these prank calls and such have started, and I don’t appreciate them, not one single bit!  Helen Keller met Eleanor Roosevelt.  There’s nothing funny about that!”

Prank calls have only escalated as word of the school’s renaming has spread.

“I had a man call up and impersonate a guide dog over the phone.  He asked me if he could come in and help his owner learn how to drive.  He disguised his voice and made a lot of “ruff-ruff woof-woof” words and I heard lots of giggling in the background.  Distasteful and disrespectful, I say.  I hung up but they just called back again, this time pretending to be ‘Toonces,’ that cat that could drive a car on that comedy show I used to watch.  I don’t even know if there is such a thing as that.  Who has the time to train a cat?”

Local CW affiliate WHDF-TV assigned reporter Carl Lucerne to cover the story as a local feature.  “I had no idea this little local story was going to blow wide open,” admitted Lucerne.  “When I mentioned to Mrs. Cullen that the story did have an ironic kind of humor about it, she told me that people had become ‘too mean’ these days.  I asked her what her husband thought about the sudden notoriety brought to the town and to the driving school, and she said that the two weren’t speaking at the present time.”

“My husband and I are not discussing it right now,” said Cullen.  “He thought the calls and attention we were getting were funny, and said ‘I told you so’ when I first came up with the idea of renaming the school.  He said ‘don’t mess with the name,’ but I saw things differently, and just wouldn’t listen.”

“On the serious side, many blind people are asking us if we can teach them how to drive, but we aren’t equipped for that.  I suppose it can be done, but we don’t have that kind of technology to do it,” said Cullen.  “I read in the paper last month that some designer eyeglass company in China named their eyeglasses after Helen Keller. Fancy designer frames that I can’t afford, but I didn’t see that as a joke.  I thought it was a nice tribute.  It was like saying she could see beyond all her limits.  That’s all I wanted to do, but now this thing has turned all wrong.  It’s a shame,” she added.

Cullen plans to turn a deaf ear to the ridicule her company is facing.  “This town and our school are not laughingstocks,” she said.  “I’m just going to pretend I don’t see or hear these mean things.  After all, I have a business to run,” she said.

Cullen has no plans to rename the school or revert back to the original “Cullen’s Learn-2-Drive,” a town institution since 1971.

“The signs and cards have been printed,” she said.  “What’s done is done!”

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