Lawsuit Filed Against Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian By Small-Bottomed Women

LOS ANGELES, California –

The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.

“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.

Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.

“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”

Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.

“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”

Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.

“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”

LOS ANGELES, California –

Society has revealed its collective disgust at the blatant disregard shown by Kelly Clarkson for its standards. This comes days after Clarkson reacted nonchalantly to Katy Hopkin’s description of her ‘baby fat’ as just ‘fat’ and accusation that Clarkson ate her backup singers.

“We’ve worked for millennia at creating a globalized world in which our standards are… standardized,” said Monica Peele, a fashion model and self-proclaimed ‘fatist.’ “Miss Clarkson is spitting in the face of our long history of shaming anyone who does not conform. As a celebrity, she is meant to model exactly what we want of her. We feel betrayed by her continuing insult.”

Friends of the singer came to her defense. They said that her decision not to worry about her weight had nothing to do with society’s expectations, and that they know she still has respect for the people who gave her her fame in the first place.

“Kelly is fat, there’s no denying it,” said one anonymous friend. “She has decided not to conform to body-image standards set by skinny bitches, because of her – well, because of her own reasons. It’s nothing personal towards society as a whole. Also, we think there may be some other issues we’re not quite aware of.”

People like Peele, who consider themselves authorities on ‘fatties in the media,’ however, have hit back, saying that’s “just not the point.”

“Whether or not it’s personal has never mattered to Society,” said Joe Howerbrick, Peele’s underwear model boyfriend whose six pack abs are featured on billboards across the country. “What’s important is that societal norms are acknowledged and upheld. It’s exactly Clarkson’s indifference that is so difficult to stomach. If others follow her lead, the entire Social Contract will be at risk. What’s next – women with small breasts proudly walking around topless?”

Feminist leaders have praised Clarkson for her “courage to stand in the face of what a misogynistic world expects of her. She’s fat and disgusting, and we support her in her decision to stay that way. We can’t wait until her obesity hits record heights, and she’s still in the public eye. It’ll literally crush these skinny douchebags, pardon the pun.”