Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

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Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

zen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

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“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

Woman Who Was Born With Giant Legs For Body Becomes Nude Model

MENDOZA, Argentina – 

Misty Lendzo, 27, was born with a rare body disorder that left her with a normal-sized head and arms, but her body is entirely a set of legs with extraordinarily large feet.

“I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my body was so ugly,” said Lendzo. “As I got older, though, I embraced my body, and I started to show it off more and more, and I became more confidant.”

In a chance encounter with world famous photographer Carl Xavier, Lendzo was asked to pose for a series of nude photos.

“I’d never done anything like that before, but Carl said I was gorgeous, and he wanted to photograph me and show the world that beauty can mean anything,” said Lendzo. “It took me awhile to decide, but I’m so glad that I did it. My pictures are everywhere now, and I think people find it inspiring. That makes me happy.”

“She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she’s simply enchanting,” said Xavier, 60. “I’ve photographed thousands of girls in my career, and Misty is by-far the most amazing. She’s also the first one I haven’t been able to have sex with, because she has no vagina, but that’s okay. She still has a hell of a mouth.”

Body of Union Leader Jimmy Hoffa Discovered In Nashville

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Body of Union Leader Jimmy Hoffa Discovered In Nashville

Investigators have officially identified the remains of bones that were discovered buried under the lawn surrounding Nashville’s replica of the Parthenon as that of Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union president who mysteriously disappeared in 1975.

“They’re not exactly bones that we found,” said Detective Evan Hoodunett. “We found parts – lots of tiny, chopped parts of bones. This guy didn’t go easy. I haven’t even seen something this bad in a mafia movie, let alone the hundreds of real mafia murder crimes I’ve witnessed or researched.”

For decades, the whereabouts of Hoffa’s remains were an unknown, and were widely speculated and discussed. Most theorists were certain he was kidnapped and murdered by the mafia, who at the time were a large part of the Teamsters and worker’s unions across the country. It had been speculated that they drove Hoffa to New Jersey, Florida, or Georgia and hid his body. Some were certain his remains were somewhere in Detroit, not far from where he was last seen outside the restaurant Machus Red Fox.

Yet still other, more bizarre theories exist. In researching this article, it was discovered that there are at least three people on the Internet who claim that the Coen brothers got their wood chipper scene idea in the well-known film Fargo from first-hand knowledge of, and involvement in, Hoffa’s death. No explanation was given as to why, or how, that would even be possible.

“Yeah, it takes all kinds of guesses, theories, and weirdos to really keep a story like this alive for the better part of 40 years,” said Hoodunett. “I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t said that Hoffa was abducted by aliens or something, by this point. There were just so many crazies out there with their arm-chair detective skills.”

As far-fetched as the Hoffa theories got, absolutely no one predicted Nashville’s Parthenon as a possibility.

“These wise guys, or, er – I mean, whoever it might have been that did him in, really did an impressive job,” said Hoodunett. “Not only did they get away with murdering a prominent public figure of that time, but they left the entire lawn where they buried his chopped up body parts spotless. We never looked here before the tip, because it was totally clean and completely random, a location that had absolutely no connection to the victim or suspects. It’s like, having red wine with burritos. Who does that?”

Family and friends of Hoffa are uneasy now that they know for certain the details of the brutality of his murder, though a select few commented that they were relieved now that they know he “got what he deserved.” Hoffa had been declared dead in absentia in 1982.

 

Body Found Under Motel Bed, Police Say It Has Been There At Least 5 Years

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey – empire-news-body found under motel bed police say its been there 5 years

Stunning news this morning out of New Jersey, as reports of police discovering the body of a young woman under a motel bed have been confirmed. The owners of the motel asked that their name and location be omitted from news reports to protect their business.

The body, which has yet to be identified, was found by a person staying in the room.

“I dropped the television remote, and when I went to check under the bed I found her. It was like something out of a scary movie,” said Aaron Silver, the man staying in the room.

According to initial reports by the medical examiner on-scene, it appears as though the body lay undisturbed in the room for about 5 years. There was a normal amount of rot and decay on the body to suggest that it had not been moved or touched over the course of that time.

The motel has not made a comment about the issue but have told police that they are constantly cleaning their rooms and have no idea how this could have slipped beneath the cracks.

“I clean that room every day. I noticed a smell several times, and told my manager,” said Anita Rodriguez, a housekeeper at the motel. “He told me to just use extra Febreeze in the room and it would go away eventually. I always hated cleaning that room.”

Motel representatives say that all their rooms are cleaned daily, but that it is not the policy of the company to make their housekeepers check under the beds.

“They do a heavy clean of the rooms to sanitize for guests, but when it comes to under the beds, they just run the vacuum around the edges. Who really looks under the bed, anyway? No reason to waste anyone’s time,” said Charles Dyson, a representative of the motel chain.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my time on the force, but to think about all the people who’ve stayed in this room, with a dead body beneath them, and they didn’t know about it? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Police have seized room and occupant records for the last several years, and are trying to trace the person or persons who may have stayed in the room around the time of death.

“Funny thing is, the records also show literally almost 1,000 complaints from people who stayed in the room over the years. Everything from a bad smell to an ‘eerie feeling.’ Several people even asked to switch rooms in the middle of the night,” said Goldsmith. “The motel really should have checked out that room a little more closely.”

The body of the young woman is set for autopsy at the end of the week.

 

Body Of Osama Bin Laden Found By Deep Sea Fisherman

LAHORE, Pakistan – empire news body of osama bin laden discovered off coast in pakistan

The body of terrorist Osama Bin Laden was found by a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Pakistan yesterday. The fisherman, whose name was not released due to fears of threats against his life, has reportedly been offered $1 million USD by the Tabliban to return the body to them, but the fisherman is reportedly interested in holding out for more, supposedly contacting representatives in the White House to test their interest in purchasing

According to the fisherman, he discovered the body about 8 miles off the coast of his hometown of Pasni, Pakistan. Bin Laden was pulled from an area of ocean where the depth is only about 75 meters. His body was well wrapped in a clear plastic tarp, and then tied up in a white cloth. Despite Bin Laden’s body having been disposed of in the ocean 3 years ago, his corpse was reportedly in near-immaculate condition, possibly preserved by the salt water and plastic wrapping.

“I was scared at first, finding a body.” Said the fisherman in an interview with his local newspaper. “I pulled it onto the ship, and I was astonished and amazed. I never in a million years thought I would find not only a body, but the body of Bin Laden. I was so excited – I plan to make a lot of money off this!”

Representatives for the US Government say it is impossible that anyone has recovered Bin Laden’s body.

“There is no way that he was found in the ocean near Pakistan, or any ocean for that matter. The odds of that are exactly zero, and I refuse to say how I know that, except to say that I just…know.” Said Cpt. Issac Hillum, a spokesman for the US Army. “A body off the coast of Pakistan? Entirely believable. The government kills people and disposes of their useless corpses by ‘burial at sea’ almost on a daily basis. But Osama Bin Laden? No, I’m sorry. It’s literally impossible.”

Several high-ranking members of the Taliban have a decidedly different opinion on the matter, and say that the US is denying that Bin Laden’s body has been discovered to hide traces of torture inflicted on him before and after his death.

“We have seen the photos, we know it is our leader.” Said Anam Sammer G. Hadd, current leader of the Taliban forces in Pakistan. “We are prepared to pay to retrieve the body and give it a proper burial. We will stop at nothing to make sure his body is returned to us. That is a warning you had better heed.”

With each side having conflicting opinions on the identity of the body pulled from the ocean, the last word will rest in the hands of the man who is in possession of him.

“I know who it is. I am not blind. The photos are proof, and now the world will know. If the US doesn’t want his body, then I will sell to the Taliban. Or I will sell to a private citizen anywhere in the world. What they do with it, I don’t care to know. The first person who hits my asking price will be given his body. ” Said the fisherman.

Currently, that asking price is $5 million USD. President Obama refused to comment on the possibility of it being Osama Bin Laden, or whether they would purchase the body if testing proved positively that it was.

 

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