Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

baby

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

Man Hospitalized After Getting Fidget Spinner Lodged in His Rectum For 37th Time

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 28-year-old Boston man, who doctors call Mr. Fidgets, was hospitalized today for emergency surgery after the emergency room attending physician discovered a fidget spinner lodged in Mr. Fidget’s rectum – the 37th time they’ve treated him for the same incident.

“When he came in the first time, we kind of laughed about it,” said Dr. Mario Lambert of Boston Medical Center. “He couldn’t really explain how it happened and, frankly, we didn’t ask too many questions. Then it happened again, about 2 weeks later. Again, we didn’t really press. By the time it happened 14 and 15 times, well, we just stopped caring.”

Dr. Lambert says that he believes that Mr. Fidgets is trying to insert the toy, commonly used by children with ADHD, for sexual gratification, because he likes to have his partner insert it, then try to spin it while it’s inside.

“I can’t say that it would do a thing for me, but hey, to each their own,” said Dr. Lambert. “Problem is, this guy really needs some psychological help, but he hasn’t broken any laws. He’s an adult, and he pays his hospital bill in cash. I don’t know who this guy is or what he does for a living, but I tell you – his kinks are off the charts.”

Cancer Found To Be Cured Completed With ‘Extremely Common’ Item

researchers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical Center are planning to release a new study that proves that all cancers – even some of the most rare and previously un-treatable cancers such as brain or lymph node – can be easily cured with one ‘extremely common’ item.

“We have been working on a cure for Cancer for as long as we’ve known about the disease, and we have finally found the answer,” said Dr. Phil Brooks. “Really the cure was right there under our noses, as it were, the entire time.”

Dr. Brooks says that he and his team all developed a severe cocaine habit during the testing phase, as the long nights and early days were making it extremely hard to stay awake and concentrate.

“It was then we realized, after a night of doing copious amounts of blow, that we had the bright idea to test the drug on our lab rats. Within a month, all of the animals that we had given cancer were cured,” said Dr. Brooks. “We moved on a few months later to trials in adult humans.”

Of the 2,000 people that the doctors test the cocaine theory on, every single one of them had their cancer disappear within a few weeks, or sooner in cases of “common cancers” like skin or colon.

“It’s miraculous, truly,” said Dr. Brooks.

The team plan to publish their full study in the next Journal of Bizarre Medicine. 

Boston Cop Shoots, Kills Black Man For Smoking A Joint

policeBOSTON, Massachusetts – 

On the heels of recent scandals involving police brutality among the African American community, Malik Edwards, a 36-year old African American man living in the Boston area was shot by police officers following a dispute regarding a marijuana cigarette.

According to witnesses, Edwards was seen sitting on the porch of his girlfriend’s home located in Evanston, Massachusetts, a municipality about 10-miles outside of Boston when the incident occurred. Edwards was accompanied by 2 additional African American males and his 32-year old girlfriend Nia Brown.

According to witness statements, including that of Brown’s, around 9:20 PM, 2 Evanston Police officers approached the individuals visiting on the porch and asked them what they were doing. According to Brown, Edwards, who had been smoking a marijuana cigarette, often referred to as a joint, spoke for the group and told the police officers that they were just visiting and unwinding after a long day of work.

The police officers asked Edwards what was in his hand (referring to the marijuana cigarette), and Edwards replied, “Oh this is just a little something that helps me to unwind after a long day”. The police officers demanded Edwards put out the marijuana cigarette, to which according to witnesses, Edwards was slow to comply.

 

(read more at The Boston Tribune)

Massive Sunken Ship, Treasure Found Off Coast of Boston

pirateship

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Remnants of an old, sunken pirate ship were found off the coast of Boston, Massachusetts yesterday by treasure hunters who had reportedly found documentation claiming that a ship had sunk there over 600 years ago.

“We really didn’t expect to find anything, at least not so quickly,” said Gary Richards, who headed the expedition. “We found materials that lead us to that area, claiming that a ship, The Black Death, was wrecked there in 1423. The ship was said to have been a legitimate pirate ship, and could possible have contained billions of dollars worth of gold.”

What Richards and his team found, though, was something entirely more amazing.

“We did find the gold, yes. There was an entire ship down there, almost preserved by the salt water, and we were able to dive down using specialized equipment to board it. What we found were hundreds of small ‘treasure chest’ style boxes, filled with everything from doubloons to bones.”

Richards says that they believe that the boxes filled with bones may have been the crew’s way of discarding the bodies of dead hookers.

“We found what amounts to about $3.7 billion dollars worth of treasure on this ship, which will be parted out to museums,” said Richards. “Sadly, the bones of the dead whores will be left, buried at sea, with the memories of some ill-fated nights, no doubt.”

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms

poop

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

Scientists Discover Gene That Causes ‘Psychotic’ Behavior

genes

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Scientists and researchers at Harvard University have discovered the gene that creates psychotic and startling, violent behavior, according to reports.

According to the report, the research team was actually looking to manipulate another set of genes in the human body, when they discovered the “psycho gene” by accident.

“The amazing thing about this gene is that it’s easily manipulated and controllable,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard. “If someone has violent or psychotic tendencies, we can find and isolate this gene in their body, and we can, essentially, remove it. It’s a miracle of modern science, if I do say so myself.”

Doctors agree that the ability to completely remove or even slightly warp the gene would mean an end to violence and erratic behavior in many individuals.

“The only problem, really, is that we have to get near this people with sharp needles and possibly scalpels to even make any changes,” said Dr. Brown. “And who the hell wants to get near a psychopath with a needle?”

Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

baby

KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

Man’s Habitual Nose Spray Habit Causes Hole To Form In Face

hole

BRIGHTON, Massachusetts – 

A 52-year-old man who has reportedly used one bottle of nose spray a day for over 20 years was hospitalized after he burned a hole through one of his nostrils.

Ingredients in the nose spray, especially menthol, are reportedly to blame for the hole that has formed on one side of the man’s nose.

“It’s horrible, really, because now I look abysmal, and doctors aren’t sure they can fix it,” said the man, who chose to remain anonymous, but wish to get his cautionary story out to the masses. “On the plus side, I can breathe a whole lot better with this hole in my nose.”

“We want to repair the hole, and make [name redacted]’s face look normal again, but we know he’ll just end up ruining it with his nose spray habit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical Center. “I haven’t seen someone snort this much of anything since my days of attending school at Yale with George W. Bush.”

Doctors are hopeful they can help to reduce the man’s nasal spray habit in hopes of rebuilding his face.

 

Boston Bomber Sentenced To 30 Days Public Service For His Part In Grisly Attacks

Boston Bomber Sentenced To 30 Days Public Service For His Part In Grisly Attacks

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 21-year-old who was convicted earlier this month on 30 charges in relation to the 2013 massacre at the Boston Marathon, was sentenced today to 30 days public service and ordered to remain under house arrest during that time.

“We feel today that justice really did prevail,” said Tsarnaev’s lawyer, Jim Clarke. “Yes, this young man was responsible for some heinous attacks on a cherished event and on the American people as a whole, but today, this jury stood up and said that they would no longer stand for over-reaching punishment. They gave him the sentence that we, on his defense team, feel he deserved.”

Tsarnaev was seen in photos smiling after the sentencing was read aloud in the courtroom – a sentence that came with several outbursts from spectators inside the building.

“This is some serious, serious bullshit,” said Mark Devers, a participant in the 2013 Boston Marathon who was nearing the finish line when the explosion occurred, although was not injured. “What he did was monstrous, and he should have gotten the death penalty. My God, we have people in jail for life right now for growing and smoking weed, but we can’t put a violent mass murdered in the chair? This country has gone to hell.”

“That’s exactly the problem at hand,” said Clarke. “The judicial system is a mess, and we have overcrowding and overpopulation in our prisons. Too many men and women are locked up for extended periods of time for crimes that warrant much softer sentencing. This was a massive victory not only for Mr. Tsarnaev, but also for the judicial system and the criminal court system as a whole.”

Tsarnaev is scheduled to be released from prison May 1st, and is ordered to remain under house arrest while he carries out his public service duties. 

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