8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AKRON, Ohio –

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

14-Year-Old Becomes World’s Youngest Gynecologist

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Abe Abrams

OAK TREE, Arkansas –

While most boys his age are playing video games, baseball, and dreaming of girls, Scott Simmons has women making appointments just to see him. At 14-years-old, boy-genius Simmons is the world’s youngest gynecologist.

“It’s a little embarrassing sometimes,” said Dr. Simmons. “I had to pick a speciality when I was 12, and my advisor said I was too short to be a surgeon. My older brother told me to be a gynecologist, he said I would thank him later, and boy was he right. I’m the only gynecologist in town, so I’m pretty busy. I really love my work, and I don’t think I’ll get tired of it – especially during the annual high school physical time.”

“He’s a really good doctor, and you can tell he loves his work,” said patient Mary Muffin, 19. “Sure, he giggles at the start of every exam, but he is just a kid, after all. I think sometimes his hormones get the best of him, because he can’t stand up after the examination, but he will grow out of that. It’s worth the giggles and hormones, though, because his small fingers get the job done gently. I used to travel to another gynecologist two towns over, and he was old and gross, with nasty long fingers. Ew.”

“I’m very proud of my son, and we all knew he was special from a young age,” said Scott’s mother, Nancy. “He completed elementary school at 5, and he was done with high school by 7. College and medical school just came very naturally to him. I do wish he consulted me before picking his field though, as I would have suggested becoming a family practitioner, or maybe a podiatrist instead. The hardest part of having a son who is a gynecologist is probably the same every one every mother of a 14-year-old has, though – getting him to wash his hands before dinner.”