MLB Commissioner Bud Selig: ’We Will No Longer Test For Performance Enhancing Drugs’

NEW YORK, New York –

According to Commissioner Bud Selig, Major League Baseball will no longer be testing for steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Steroids, Human Growth Hormones (HGH), and other performance boosters will technically remain on the books as being against the rules, but Seilg says the league will move more towards what he calls an “honor system.”

“It’s a losing fight, really. Truth is, over 75% of players were testing positive each year,” stated Selig.”These drugs cause a wide range of health issues and shorten life spans. If athletes want to ruin their bodies for our entertainment, I say why not – God knows we’re paying them enough, they should put their bodies on the line for the sport.”

“Baseball needs all the help it can get,” said Boston Red Sox fan Joe Ruth. “People want to see home runs not line drives. It’s not enough to be good anymore, athletes need an edge. The players putting their lives at the most risk deserve the biggest paychecks. Putting an end to testing will put an end to players lying about it, too, so I definitely feel this is the right move.”

“I never used steroids, so I don’t think this is fair,” says former player Barry Bonds. “Players need to play and bleed and break records based on their God-given talent, like I did. If you give it time, the magic will happen, just like it did for me. I started bulking up, my hat size grew, I swear it was all natural. If it happened to me, it can happen for anyone.”

“Bonds is an idiot. If players want to kill themselves for my enjoyment, I’m all for it,” said Yankees fan Carmine Classi. ”If I gotta take drugs to be able to watch a game of baseball, they should have to take drugs to play it.”

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a press conference this morning, commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced another major change to the rules of play in professional baseball. This new announcement comes only a few months after the change to the home-plate collision rule, which makes it against the rules for catchers to block the path of a base-runner sliding into home plate.

The new rule, as Selig explained it, will allow all players to carry their bats with them to each base as they run. The change is being made to further the excitement among fans as players inevitably slide into bases and “accidentally” beat the hell out of the baseman.

“It’s a great change for all players, but it’s an even better change for people watching at home and in the stands. We know those 9 innings can sometimes be a nightmare where nothing at all happens. It’s even worse if the games go long. This change will make every base hit a nail-biter!” Said Selig.

Selig, who has been commissioner of baseball since 1992, reportedly came up with the idea while watching the 1990 film Problem Child starring John Ritter. In the film, a man adopts an unruly child, who in one scene hits a ground ball and immediately runs to each base while holding the bat, clubbing the other kids at each base as he goes.

“I saw that scene and I laughed so hard, and I knew that the fans of MLB would laugh, too. Every time Mark Teixeira takes a nut-shot with a Louisville Slugger they’ll hoot and holler. The rule had to happen,” said Selig.

Selig said he also thought of changing the name of the “home-run” to a “touchdown,” which is what the boy from Problem Child began chanting after making it around the bases in the film. “I knew that the NFL would never allow us to steal their phrase, though,” said Selig. There is no word whether this new rule supersedes the recent home-plate collision rule.

Players are apparently divided on the new rule, with some actually talking about quitting the game all together.

“I never wanted to have to worry about getting smacked in the jimmies with a baseball bat,” said Derek Jeter, former shortstop for the New York Yankees. “It was bad enough that I had to worry about balls flying at my face while I was on the field. I guess I got out at just the right time.”

David Ortiz, DH for the Boston Red Sox, said he is glad that he will be able to carry the bat with him as he rounds the bases.

“I am a big man, I know that,” said Ortiz. “I already carry a presence on the field. Now I can carry a Louisville Slugger, too. No one will mess with Big Papi now.”

Neither Selig nor any representative for MLB could be reached for further comment.