Anheuser-Busch To Reduce Alcohol Content By Half In Budweiser, Bud Light To Maintain Affordability

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

President of Anheuser-Busch Luiz Fernando Edmond announced today that the company will reduce the alcohol content by volume in Budweiser beer from 5.0% to 2.5%, and Bud Light from 4.2% down to 2.1% in order to maintain the current affordable prices of each product – the two most popular beers in the United States of America.

Edmond said that the company also took into consideration that reducing the ABV content would make drunk drivers less dangerous. “We here at Anheuser-Busch believe it is our responsibility to keep our loyal customers safe, all the while providing them with a high quality, yet very affordable, premium lager,” Edmond said.

When asked whether he believed the reduction in alcohol content would upset longtime drinkers of the All-American brews, Edmond said that those who consume such prestigious beers such as Budweiser and Bud Light just want a great tasting, satisfying beer.

“Our honest belief is that our customers do not drink our wonderful products to get drunk, they drink them because they love the taste and the smooth way it goes down,” Edmond said. “Besides, drinking a beer with two-percent alcohol doesn’t make it ‘near beer’ or non-alcoholic beer, it just makes it a great beer for those on the go. When one consumes a six-pack, he will be able to drive home safely to his family. Quality, affordability, and family. That is what we here at Anheuser-Busch are all about!”

Budweiser and Bud Light products with the lower alcohol content are expected to arrive on shelves in March.

Mike Tyson Says Budweiser’s ‘Lost Puppy’ Commercial Made Him Cry, Adopted Dog Next Day

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Once considered the meanest, baddest, and most powerful man on the planet, former undisputed heavyweight champion of the world as a professional boxer, Mike Tyson, in recent years has not been afraid of showing his emotional side. The previous statement was proven 100% true when the former knock-out artist told shock-jock Howard Stern that the Budweiser “Lost Puppy” commercial that aired during Super Bowl 49 made him cry, and for quite a while.

“Man, you know so I’m chillin, hangin with my boys and all that, life is good, ya know, hangin’ out, watchin the Super Bowl, eating those little hot dogs, and that puppy commercial comes on. Ya know man…I got so caught up in it, I could not stand it. Here it is this little sweet, innocent, lost puppy ya know, and I’m like man,” Tyson said.

Howard Stern, laughing, asked the former champ if his eyes got welled up with tears. “Man, don’t laugh Howard, but I was all like caught up, thinkin’ ‘is he gonna be okay? Will they ever find him?'” Tyson said, reliving the moment. “I could relate ya know as a boy I was…I was a damn mess. I was lost. So then the big horses busted loose and save him from the wilder-beast. Well whatever the hell that thing was..some kinda werewolf, I don’t know, whatever, you know, Howard?”

Tyson says that he was so moved by the commercial, that he went and adopted a dog the following morning.

“I started cryin’ and shit, and I had to leave the room. I went out on the roof to feed my pigeons, I cried for at least twenty minutes over that puppy, I mean damn we tryin to hang and Mike’s cryin over a puppy commercial? Can’t have the crew seein’ that ya know?” the charismatic Tyson stated. “Anyway..puppy made me cry man. So ya know what? I went and rescued a lil’ guy the next day to honor the puppy from the commercial. I named him ‘D-OG’. It felt good ya know?”

Pabst Brewing Company Announces Shut Down, Sale To Anheuser-Busch

Posted on January 13, 2015 by DesireeAmber

LOS ANGELES, California –

The premium lager brewing company Pabst, best know for their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, announced this morning that after 170 years in business, the company would be closing their factories, and selling their assets to Anheuser-Busch.

Since 1844, Pabst Brewing Company has been providing people their delightful medium bodied American style lager, and many beer lovers are saddened and confused by the sudden announcement.

“It has been a couple years since I’ve had a Pabst Blue Ribbon, but I never though they’d go anywhere, either,” said Marriott College senior Joe Goldsmith. “I guess I should lay off the good beer for a bit, and get some PBR before it’s gone forever.”

“After 170 years of beer business, the name and its associations have far exceeded what anyone ever would have expected it to, but times have changed dramatically,” said brew master Aaron Silver. “We honestly thought that this new hipster movement thing would really help boost sales, because hipsters seem to enjoy horrible beers. We were huge in the 70s and 80s, thanks to college drinking taking a massive spike after movies like Animal House came out. Now, though, college kids aren’t binge drinking as often, and when they are, they’re choosing higher-end beers and liquor. We can’t compete with the Sam Adams and Guinesses of the world, and our sales are proof that even legacy can die.”

Anheuser-Busch is said to be acquiring Pabst for only about $62,000, plus 43 cases of Bud Light. The company says that they were initially hoping to continue releasing PBR in its traditional can and original recipe, but licensing issues are forcing changes. Instead, plans to develop what they are calling Pabst Turquoise Ribbon are currently underway, and the new beer should begin hitting shelves next fall.