bugs

LOS ANGELES, California –

A mother in Los Angeles and her two children, aged 7 and 4, are in critical condition after ingesting what doctors are saying was an “extreme amount” of mites, linked to wooden cooking utensils in the family’s kitchen.

Miranda Joseph and her children were admitted to St. Christine Hospital in Los Angeles after the three of them became severely ill after eating a dinner of macaroni with sauce on Monday evening. Originally thought to be a case of food poisoning, the diagnosis was ruled out after Joseph began vomiting tiny, black bugs.

“When we called authorities to enter Ms. Joseph’s home and obtain any remaining food from their dinner, they brought back the entire pot and utensils that were used for cooking, which happened to be wooden spoons,” said Dr. Carl Richards, an attending ER doctor. “As soon as I saw the wooden utensils, I knew what had happened.”

According to Richards, there has been an extreme amount of cases throughout California and Nevada of a new “superbug” that infests homes, and will lodge itself into anything wooden.

“These bugs, they’re like a much smaller termite, almost impossible to see until they are swarming in the millions,” said Dr. Richards. “They’ve become increasingly common in many West Coast homes, and will bore into anything wooden – your house itself, bureaus, TV stands, and yes, even wooden utensils. Unfortunately, they are also quite poisonous to the human body.”

Dr. Richards suggests that anyone who currently uses wooden utensils to throw them out immediately, and replace with stainless steel or plastic.

“You don’t want to end up dead because you like the look of wood spoons,” said Dr. Richards.

FORT COLLINS, Colorado –

Cimex lectularius, commonly known as the Bed Bug here In the United States, is a parasitic insect which feeds primarily on human blood, and has become infamous for its infestations within the past decade. Dr. DeMarcus Johnson, head of Insect Sciences at Colorado State University says, though, that these last ten years were ‘the easy part.’

“The good ol’ days are clearly behind us,” Dr. Johnson said. “Sometime after spring and heading into Summertime, we will begin to see massive Bed Bug infestations, so drastic that we predict large quantities will feed on humans and cause significant loss of life.”

“I do not take any comfort in alarming the good people of this beautiful country, but this is by-far more of a probability rather than a possibility. To put into perspective, just imagine getting stung by hundreds of bees at the same time while asleep at night. If that happened to millions of Americans every night, thousands of those people would die on a weekly basis. These little suckers are sneaky and do not sting like a bee does, they just gradually suck the blood right out of you without even waking you up.” Dr. Johnson stated.

Bed Bugs have increasingly become more of a problem in the United States every year. The pests build massive nests inside mattresses, and when a human being lies on the mattress they sense the person’s body heat, at which point they go into feeding mode by sucking blood out of the human body, much like a tick or a leech. When silently attacked by thousands of the insects during sleep, they can literally suck you dry. The also carry a vast array of deadly diseases.

“We are doing everything we can to warn American citizens of this awful soon-to-be plague, but unfortunately, there just isn’t much else to do but make sure your home is clear of them now. Buy new mattresses, couches, chairs, and any other ‘soft’ furniture you may have in your home. Burn the ones that exist now. Replace old carpets with new, or use strictly hardwood flooring. Do not wait until spring or summer, by then, I regret to say, it will be much too late. Vampires are real, and they exist in the form of the Bed Bug.”

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Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015