600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles

trump

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

Massive Earthquake Will Hit Los Angeles Within A Month, Death Toll Will Be Astronomical

earthquake

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A massive earthquake is being forecast to hit the greater Los Angeles, California area sometime within the next month, with estimated destruction in the trillions of dollars, and the death toll to be in the millions.

Dr. Ernest Klein, of the Atlanta Valley Research Society, has been tracking the intensity and frequency of earthquakes throughout the country for the better part of 30 years, and he says that the San Andreas fault, which runs throughout most of California, was supposed to have “gone off” decades ago.

“Based on my research, the faults in the Los Angeles area are massively overdo for a rupture,” said Dr. Klein. “The last major quake on the West Coast would have been approximately 1,000 years ago, and those faults are on a 500-750 year cycle. When I calculate for several other factors, such as the human factor, which would not have been prevalent during the original quake, I estimate that this fault will explode with activity by the end of next month.”

Dr. Klein says that he has spoken with the President, as well as many other members of the White House staff and the National Guard, in preparation for what he says will be a magnitude 11 to 12 quake, the worst in the history of time.

“This is something that will happen, and it is not a matter of years or months. We’re talking weeks, and this will destroy life in California, as well as the rest of the country,” said Dr. Klein. “An earthquake of that size will be able to be felt in New York.”

Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

tom hanks

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

Smokey The Bear Dies In Horrific Forest Fire

smokey

SANTA CLARA, California –

The devastating wildfires that have struck California over the last few years have claimed a new life this week; Smokey The Bear, everyone’s favorite childhood spokesman that wasn’t Scruff McGruff, was killed after a wildfire burned down the area in which he lived.

“It’s tragic that we have to report the loss of our beloved friend, Smokey the Bear,” said LA County fire marshall John Higgins. “Smokey the Bear was a true, humble bear, and he made all bears look good. He knew that only you could prevent forest fires, which is why he wasn’t able to do anything about the fire that struck his home, killing him.”

Smokey’s body was found charred and burned after a fire in a chunk of land was put out. He was recognizable by his little bear hat and shovel, which lay nearby.

‘Hobo-ing,’ Pretending To Be Homeless, Latest Trend Among Privileged Youth

hoboing

BEVERLY HILLS, California – 

An odd new trend has been started in high-end and rich cities across the country, and it seems to have started with a group of teens in Beverly Hills. “Hobo-ing,” or sometimes “hoboing,” is what the kids are calling it when they leave their extremely nice homes and mansions, and spend a night on the street begging for change.

“It started out as a mockery of the homeless, because they’re a disgusting, shitty people,” said Brian Jones, 16. “A few of us were out in LA one night, and we saw a homeless man dead on the street. It was sad and pathetic. But, he had a cup full of change, and we realized that pretending to be a bum was an easy way to supplement our incomes.”

Although Jones’ family owns one of the largest construction companies in the United States, worth an estimated $3.9 billion dollars, he says he gets a huge thrill out of pretending to be a bum.

“It’s kind of cool. I don’t shave for a few days, I throw on some old, torn jeans, and I get to hang out in extremely seedy parts of the city,” said Jones. “It’s hilarious, really, because the old jeans I wear when I go out are designer; they cost about $600. It makes me laugh a little whenever I slip them on to go out into the alleys.”

Teens across the country have begun dressing like homeless people and going out, late at night, to pretend to be poor and filthy.

“I have a little bit of a heroin problem now, like a lot of the other homeless people out there, but it’s all good,” said Jones. “I mean, the great thing about pretending to be homeless is that I still have a real bed to go sleep in, and my family can send me to the best rehab. I feel bad for those homeless fucks out there. But hey, I made almost $30 bucks begging the other day. What a damn hoot!”

Los Angeles County Plans To Decriminalize Rape, Assault; Hopes Move Will ‘Break Associated Stigmas’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a first for the nation, the city of Los Angeles is seeking to remove the stigma surrounding rape by decriminalizing it. Lawmakers say they hope the move will not increase the rate of rape, but allow people to speak more freely about it.

“Because it has been a crime, people would not talk about rape,” said LA county commissioner Jerry Peck. “Women who were raped wouldn’t bring it up. Men who were rapists didn’t mention it to friends or colleagues. No one was talking about it. Rape was a dirty little secret. This new decriminalization will hopefully end the secrets.”

Los Angeles is the first city and county in the country to make move towards decriminalizing rape, but they aren’t stopping with only sexual assault.

“Assault in general is a crime to hide. Men would hit women, and then just claim they walked into doors,” said Peck. “It was sickening the things that go on behind closed doors. We are hoping that making sure it’s no longer a crime will allow people to open up about beatings and assaults.”

County legislature will vote on the issue on Monday. They are expected to pass the measure into law effective January 1st.

California Lawmakers Do Away With Speeding Tickets, Traffic Violations

SACRAMENTO, California –

Some new laws in California will make driving a lot less complicated for motorists, and will give police a needed break from excessive ticket writing.

According to reports, lawmakers in the state have decided to abolish speeding tickets, allowing travelers to drive on highways at whatever speed they feel comfortable, which will allow police to spend less time creating speed traps on highways, and more time working on and solving real crimes.

“Aside from speeding tickets, we have also moved away from parking violations, including metered parking, occupying a handicapped space without a permit, and so forth,” said Joe Goldsmith, a California state legislature member. “This will free up our police force to work on more pressing crimes, such as rape, homicide, and murder.”

Police say that they are “thrilled” that they will no longer have to worry about ticketing speeding motorists.

“Every time you pull a car over for speeding, you’re risking your life,” said police chief Jerry Hyman. “You don’t know if that drive has a gun, is a wanted felon – he could kill you at any time. Thankfully, no more pulling people over means no more risking my life unnecessarily. Those drivers who speed out of control will take care of the problem themselves – by dying in a fiery wreck.”

The laws go into effect December 1st.

‘Ultra Absorbent’ Tampons Blamed For 43 Deaths In California

SACRAMENTO, California – 

In a climate that is often very dry and barren, many women do not get enough fluids on a regular basis. This in itself can be hazardous enough, but when coupled with a new line of “ultra absorbent” tampons, the results have been deadly.

“Tampax released a new line of ‘super, ultra absorbent’ tampons earlier this year,” said Dr. Myles Kenifick. “Since that time, we have seen over 40 deaths of women who used them, as the tampons not only did their job in absorbing the monthly menses, but it also sucked out much of their body’s water as well.”

Dr. Kenefick says that most of the woman who died has used the tampons because of a “heavy flow,” but the tampons were so good at their job, they were actually absorbing water and nutrients from the body as well.

“We’ve come from an extremely dry year,” said Dr. Kenifick. “These women were already partially dehydrated, and not drinking enough water. With these tampons inserted, it was the last thing their body could handle.”

Dr. Kenefick is warning women who use any ultra absorbent tampons to stay extra hydrated. If that isn’t possible, he says that women should “stick to pads.”

New Retail Chain Opens Aimed At Rich Customers; $100 Dollar Stores

gaha

LOS ANGELES, California –

A savvy retail operator has opened several new locations in Hollywood, Los Angeles, and Beverly Hills, a counter to what he calls “poor people places.”

“I visited my friends in New York, and it was ghastly,” said Miles Hardin, a boutique owner in Los Angeles. “I couldn’t believe the places they that shopped. The had stores out there called…I can barely say the words…Dollar. Stores. Oh my God, it was frightening! But it did get me thinking about a new line of stores I could open out here. So I opened my first $100 Dollar Store in January, and business has been booming!”

Hardin says that much like a dollar store, everything in his shops are one price – $100 even.

“It’s really simple economics. In dollar stores, they sell shit, made for pennies and marked up to $1.00,” said Hardin. “In my store, we sell cheap shit made for pennies, and mark it way, way up to $100. It’s a much better idea, and with the amount of money people have in California, they are flocking to my stores.”

Hardin says many celebrities visit his shops, including Jim Carrey, Kylie Minogue, and Chris Pratt.

“Pratt, he came in and bought a tablet cover. $100, out the door,” said Hardin. “He could have got the same one on the East Coast at a .99 cent store, but no. Rich people have rich tastes, no matter how down-to-Earth they are. It was cute though. A pink and purple tablet cover with Groot on it. He had a good laugh.”

Hardin says that he plans to expand to other rich areas in the country, including Silicon Valley and Bill Gate’s living room and master bathroom.

California Woman Shocked After Waking Up With A Drunk Channing Tatum In Her Bed

California Woman Shocked After Waking Up With A Drunk Channing Tatum In Her Bed

HOLLYWOOD, California

It’s happened to all of us. After a night of alcohol and debauchery, we face the next day with terrible regrets. At some point, every one of us has woken up next to a drunk Channing Tatum, and that is exactly what happened to Mary Shelly Wood of California.

“I knew I had a bit too much to drink, but I didn’t realize it was that bad,” she mumbled to a close friend through the haze of a harsh hangover. “This has never happened to me. I mean, I’ve woken up next to hunky men before, but usually I remember how they got there.”

Although Wood acknowledges having had sexual fantasies of the Magic Mike star, this situation was something she’d never had in mind.

“I’ve been warned by so many friends that I don’t want to end up like they did – in bed with the totally wasted man of my dreams. But I was naive. I thought that sort of thing couldn’t happen to me.”

Mary’s sister Lucy says her sibling has a lot to learn.

“Of course, she’s going through what all of us have been through,” said Lucy. “She’ll carry her regrets throughout the day, mingled with the hope that Channing will decide that she’s “the one” and make her the happiest girl in the world. Then, at some point over the next week, he’ll wake up, put on his underwear, make himself breakfast and walk through the door, never to return. I’ve been there. We all have, and I realize now that it’s time to warn our little brother, Jeff.”

Trainee journalist, Michael Mahone, adorably thought he could get a statement out of the 21 Jump Street actor. He too experienced the same terrible regrets we all have – of finding ourselves interviewing a grunting, unconscious Channing Tatum in someone else’s bed.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.