‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Next Season Will Be Last

simpsons

LOS ANGELES, California –

Matt Groenig, creator of The Simpsons, says that next year will finally be the last season for the cartoon – the longest running show in prime time.

“Frankly, we’re all pretty bored with it. The show has been on for, what, about 30 or 40 seasons, and it’s just stale. I mean yeah, it’s funny for the audience, but this cast, these guys and gals, man, they’re bored. I don’t blame them,” said Groenig.

FOX, the channel that airs the show in the U.S., said that they are “more than ready” to fill the Sunday night timeslot with something else, and are eyeing Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane to work on a new show.

“Seth has come up with some great ideas, and we’re really excited to see where they go,” said FOX CEO Marvin Hamlin. “He actually just pitched us a new show yesterday that we’re ordering a pilot for. It’s called The Stimpsons, and it is an animated show about a dysfunctional family. There’s the alcoholic dad, the big-haired mom, a few precocious kids. Frankly, we have never seen anything like it before, and we’re thinking it’s going to be great.”

 

WWE Cancels ‘Wrestlemania’ Over Terrorist Threats

wwe

ARLINGTON, Texas – 

The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.

“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”

FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.

“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.

“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”

Super Bowl 50 To Be Cancelled Over Possible Terrorist Attack

50

SANTA CLARA, California –

The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.

“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”

According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.

“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.

AMC Says Next Season of ‘The Walking Dead’ Will Be Show’s Last

thwalkingdead

LOS ANGELES, California – 

AMC, the channel behind the hit show The Walking Dead, says that the next season, which is the second-half of season 6, returning February, will be the last.

“Frankly, the show has gotten stale,” said showrunner Mark Lyons. “When we started this show, it was all people talked about, and now, it’s gone a little downhill. We started noticing it when people would post spoilers about characters or deaths on their social media pages, and no one even complained about it. When that starts happening, you know it’s time.”

Actors on the show say that they are “relieved” that the show will not be getting picked up for another season, because they’ve all gotten “pretty damn sick” of playing out the same storylines over and over again.

“There only so much walking, talking, and zombie killing you can really do before the audience gets bored, and before the actors get bored,” said star Norman Reedus. “Frankly, I hope that Darryl does die. At least now I know no one will riot, because no one is even really watching the show. I’ll be happier going back to movies, anyway. Boondock Saints 3 is on my horizon, and I can’t wait.”

New Year’s Eve Celebration In Times Square Cancelled Over Terrorist Threat

happy new year

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

If you were planning on hitting the Big Apple tonight, you may need to make a change of plans. According to the FBI, they’ve had to force planners to cancel the ball dropping in Times Square, an event that has taken place for decades.

According to the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark, who has been hosting Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve for the last 90 years or so, the event normally goes off without a hitch, but this year, federal authorities were worried about issues arising from ISIS.

“I’ve been dead for a few years, so I’m not really up on this ISIS thing,” said the zombie Dick Clark. “Ryan Seacrest has been hosting this show for the last few years, and he tells me that since no one is really watching it anymore anyway, it’s not really a big loss that we won’t be doing it.”

Thousands of people had already gathered in New York City by the time of this writing, although police say they are working with the national guard to peacefully disperse the crowds.

‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

droz

LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

Netflix Pulls Plug On Orange Is The New Black; The Reason Why May Shock You

oitnb

LOS GATOS, California –

In a bizarre turn of events, and just months after renewing the series for a fourth season, Netflix has reportedly announced that the critically acclaimed series Orange is the New Black has been cancelled.

“We regret to inform Netflix members that Orange is the New Black has been permanently cancelled,” said Netflix in a nationally published press release. “Additionally, starting October 1st, 2015, past episodes will no longer be available for streaming on our service. We apologize to fans of the show, but the time has come to say goodbye.”

The news is a shock to fans of the show, which is based on true events described in Piper Kerman’s memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison, written about her experiences during her time in jail. The show was originally renewed for a fourth season in early April, before the third season had even been released.

According to inside sources, a Netflix programming manager insisted to that there be more male leads in the show. When Kohan put her foot down and refused to buy into the idea, Netflix management made known their displeasure with how the show represents women as being strong, forceful, and oftentimes, sexually charged and agressive.

“A woman’s place has always been in the home, in the kitchen, taking care of children, doing laundry, waiting for her man to come home,” said an anonymous source inside the Netflix production team. “Women in jail? Ugh. It’s like we took everything great about OZ, threw that out the window completely, and make this show with the crappy leftovers. There’s only guy one the show, and that is Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs. The guy who screwed a pie in one half-assed comedy 15 years ago. My God, he’s just horrible. How does anyone even watch this show in the first place?”

“There are just way too many damn stereotypes on this show, anyway,” said former writer for the show Jarissa Myers. “They forced us to write sassy Latinas, angry Russians, and bossy blonde bitches on a daily basis. How many times can we really see Taylor Schilling’s character Piper fall in and out of love with someone that is just abysmal for her? The show is just getting bad. It was time to pull the plug anyway.”

According to entertainment lawyer and Empire News correspondent Jeremy Downard, there is no chance for OITNB to take the show to a television network or another streaming service such as Hulu or Amazon Prime, due to the type of contract originally agreed upon between Kerman and Netflix.

Sesame Street To End After 46 Years, Producers Say ‘Today’s Kids Just Hate Puppets’

Sesame Street To End After 46 Years, Producers Say 'Today's Kids Just Hate Puppets'

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

It’s a sad day for all of those who grew up in any of the last four decades. Long-running childhood favorite, Sesame Street, will soon be no longer. The news of its demise was revealed by insiders at PBS, who explained that today’s kids “just hate puppets”.

“What can we do?” asked PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “Times have changed, and our beloved friends Bert and Ernie are now despised by children across the globe. Kermit, Big Bird, the Cookie Monster – all our beloved characters are no longer desirable. In fact, our research showed that kids would rather watch animated anthropomorphic turds fighting than spend another day looking at puppets flapping their unnaturally flat mouths around.”

Eight-year-old, Jimmy Prober, confirmed their sentiments.

“I fucking hate puppets,” he said on a CNN broadcast. “Their fake fur is gross, and their complexions look sickly. If we wanna see strange colored characters, we’re gonna watch The Simpsons. Come on dude – nothin beats Bart’s catchphrase of ‘Shove it up my ass’, or whatever.”

Kids watching the broadcast from a live studio audience nodded their heads in agreement, some shouting encouragement with phrases such as “Down with the reign of the puppet authority!” and “I’m eating Big Bird for dinner!” being flung around. Many parents were driven to run out of the room crying, as their children denigrated characters with whom they themselves had grown up.

When asked why he thought kids had turned against puppets, current Sesame Street executive producer Super Grover answered, “I cannot say for certain, but perhaps today’s children were collectively molested by puppets. Or maybe they’ve just found something better in iPads, Family Guy, and Playstations.”

“I always knew this day would come,” said Jim Henson, creator of Sesame Street and the Muppets. “Yet I did not think it would happen in my lifetime. In that assumption, I was correct.” Henson died in 1990 of a bacterial infection.

‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Show Is Nearing Expiration Date, Major Changes To Come

'The Simpsons' Creator Says Show Is Nearing Expiration Date, Major Changes To Come

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Virtually everyone in America has been exposed to The Simpsons at some point in their lives, whether young or old. It is no surprise, since the half-hour show has been broadcast for over 25 years. It is only common sense that any television series run for such an extensive length of time will ultimately run out of ideas, which is quickly becoming reality for the show.

Matt Groening, creator of the dysfunctional family, agrees that the episodes are degrading as time goes on. “What I’m beginning to be concerned with is the fact that the quality of our episodes are suffering,” Groening said. “I honestly think Season 30 will be the last for the Simpson family, if I can even make the series last that long. The episode ideas are becoming harder to write by now. I mean hell, do you think we would have ever done a Family Guy crossover episode 10 or 15 years ago? Get real.”

Series executive producer Al Jean weighed in with his opinion. “I don’t really want the show to end, but if Matt thinks Season 30 will be a good stopping point, then I’m with him on his decision. Our ratings on the show have decreased from an average of nearly 28 million viewers in Season 1, to a meager average of 5 million viewers in Season 25. I’d like to go out with relatively good ratings rather than be the executive producer for a repetitive piece of crap,” Jean said.

For the final few years, Groening does have some ideas. “For the remainder of time the show has, I would like to provide a change in wardrobe to see how people react. I know the change won’t be widely accepted, but honestly it’s time for them to change their clothes,” Groening said. “I would also like to have the Simpson kids age, if only by one year. It would be interesting to have them experience things that come with growing older than 8 and 10. We can get new actors to voice older characters, too. Really shake things up”

Lifelong Simpsons fan Roger Allison posted his thoughts on Facebook. “The Simpsons have gone from a small production 25 years ago, to a worldwide phenomenon. If the series ends, I don’t want to see what will happen. People will riot and things can get ugly really easily,” Allison’s post read. Later on in his rant, he remarked, “I swear, if they change the wardrobe that has been consistent except for a few rare occasions, I will absolutely go crazy. Homer’s white shirt and blue pants are a symbol of a lazy American slob, and should stay that way. I didn’t get that image tattooed on my arm for them to go and change it now.”

Luke Bryan Cancels ‘Kick Up The Dust’ Tour Over A Pair Of Jeans

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Luke Bryan Cancels 'That's My Kind of Night' Tour2222

According to his record label, country superstar Luke Bryan has cancelled several recently announced dates on his upcoming ‘Kick Up The Dust’ tour. Manager John Deere say that Bryan is ‘too distraught’ to perform because he has experienced ‘severe loss,’ in the form of a rip in his favorite pair of blue jeans.

“This was not my kind of night, not at all,” said Bryan. “I was Doin’ My Thing you know – Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets. I like to do that during Harvest Time. Anyhow, I slipped down a muddy hill and ripped the crotch right out of my favorite pair of blue jeans! Man, I can’t even tell you how much of a Buzzkill it was. Those blue jeans are my signature trademark!

According to his record label, Bryan plans to push back the tour dates until a time when he is able to find a pair of jeans the comfortable replace his old ones.

“These were obviously not a good buy. I’ll stick with Levis next time,” said Bryan. “I know I’m going to disappoint a couple of fans, but they know that I’ll come around and Play It Again sometime soon. I’m a Country Man through-and-through, and I won’t let anything completely Crash My Party. Roller Coaster.”

 

 

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