Luke Bryan Cancels ‘Kick Up The Dust’ Tour Over A Pair Of Jeans

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

According to his record label, country superstar Luke Bryan has cancelled several recently announced dates on his upcoming ‘Kick Up The Dust’ tour. Manager John Deere say that Bryan is ‘too distraught’ to perform because he has experienced ‘severe loss,’ in the form of a rip in his favorite pair of blue jeans.

“This was not my kind of night, not at all,” said Bryan. “I was Doin’ My Thing you know – Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets. I like to do that during Harvest Time. Anyhow, I slipped down a muddy hill and ripped the crotch right out of my favorite pair of blue jeans! Man, I can’t even tell you how much of a Buzzkill it was. Those blue jeans are my signature trademark!

According to his record label, Bryan plans to push back the tour dates until a time when he is able to find a pair of jeans the comfortable replace his old ones.

“These were obviously not a good buy. I’ll stick with Levis next time,” said Bryan. “I know I’m going to disappoint a couple of fans, but they know that I’ll come around and Play It Again sometime soon. I’m a Country Man through-and-through, and I won’t let anything completely Crash My Party. Roller Coaster.”

Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Late night talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly been released from his show, Conan, by TBS executives for tweeting a joke about the prophet Muhammad. The tweet was only posted for a matter of minutes, before a slew of complaints forced Twitter to remove the offending joke.

”I would like to personally apologize to the Muslim people for whatever Conan has said,” said TBS executive Bart Brennan. “I did not personally see the joke, but I want to make it clear TBS had nothing to do with it. I hope our swift firing of Conan, even before knowing any facts, proves that TBS cares about minorities and religious dogma. In closing, we at TBS are really, really sorry. As I said, we never even saw the joke, but I want to make it clear that we never really liked him anyway.”

Several famous friends of Conan’s were reached out to for their thoughts on his firing, but most celebrities reached by Empire News said that they were either ‘too busy’ to comment, or that they ‘didn’t care enough to have an opinion.’

“I want to let the Muslim people know that Conan O’Brien is no longer my client, and that we parted ways the minute I heard about the tweet,” said Sol Simmons, Conan’s former agent. “I want to apologize to the Muslim people, and I want to stress, I never saw the joke. The truth is, my partners and I never liked him anyway.”

Most late night television viewers say that won’t miss Conan’s show, as there were too many others to choose from as it was, with most people preferring Fallon, anyway.

“He has always been a disappointment,” said Conan’s mother Mary. “He was always a little pain, and I told him, ‘Conan, comedy is definitely not for you.’ I just want to apologize to the Muslim people and I want to make it clear that I have severed all ties with my son. I never saw the joke myself; I don’t even know what Tweeter is. Truth is, though, we never liked him anyway.”

O’Brien says that he’s not really too worried about finding more work.

“Someone out there probably likes me,” said the comedian. “As it is, I really don’t see the big deal. I wrote the joke myself, so it obviously wasn’t even funny.”

TBS has stated that they are considering replacing O’Brien with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and re-working the name to Late Night With Conan The Barbarian.

It’s Official: Former NBC Drama ‘Dracula’ Will Continue As A Netflix Original

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

PASADENA, California –

Millions of fans angered and bewildered at NBC’s surprising decision to cancel the popular vampire drama Dracula after just one season can breathe a sigh of relief. This morning Netflix announced their decision to pick up the series for at least a second season.

When questioned about what motivated the decision, Netflix Chief Content Officer Ted Sarandos commented, “Why not pick it up? Gripping, sensual, clever, Dracula is Netflix caliber entertainment and people around the world can’t get enough of it. Now, we’re excited to announce that they won’t have to.”

Since the cancellation announcement, millions of fans took to social media and the blogosphere and circulated petitions to voice their disapproval, pleading with NBC to reconsider. But the network giant has remained generally silent.

In response to what he refers to as “snubbing their viewers,” Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said candidly, “If networks want to alienate their viewers, let them. Our #1 priority is to give our members what they want. If they want Dracula, that’s what they’ll get.”

Talks with the show’s producer and lead actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers began before NBC made the announcement, amid rumors that the network lineup would be changed dramatically, resulting in a significant number of cancellations. Given Dracula’s unideal time slot and lack of effort from the network to adequately promote the show, Meyers and his team were not optimistic.

Said Hastings about the deal, “when the announcement was made public, we were flooded with letters from members asking us to pick up the show. From then on it was a done deal. We negotiated terms, completed scheduling and we’re set to start production in October.”

Meyers is thrilled about this major win, saying, “I put my blood, sweat and tears into this project at significant risk to my career, on what I knew to be a story of incredible originality and beauty. I can’t express how excited I am to continue Dracula’s journey.”

The release date has not been announced, however Netflix members can expect all season episodes to be made available in late 2015.

Steve Burke, the CEO of NBC did not immediately respond to requests for comments.