Doctor Confirms That He Has Found a Cure For AIDS – But There’s a Slight Catch

doctor

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

Cancer Found To Be Cured Completed With ‘Extremely Common’ Item

researchers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical Center are planning to release a new study that proves that all cancers – even some of the most rare and previously un-treatable cancers such as brain or lymph node – can be easily cured with one ‘extremely common’ item.

“We have been working on a cure for Cancer for as long as we’ve known about the disease, and we have finally found the answer,” said Dr. Phil Brooks. “Really the cure was right there under our noses, as it were, the entire time.”

Dr. Brooks says that he and his team all developed a severe cocaine habit during the testing phase, as the long nights and early days were making it extremely hard to stay awake and concentrate.

“It was then we realized, after a night of doing copious amounts of blow, that we had the bright idea to test the drug on our lab rats. Within a month, all of the animals that we had given cancer were cured,” said Dr. Brooks. “We moved on a few months later to trials in adult humans.”

Of the 2,000 people that the doctors test the cocaine theory on, every single one of them had their cancer disappear within a few weeks, or sooner in cases of “common cancers” like skin or colon.

“It’s miraculous, truly,” said Dr. Brooks.

The team plan to publish their full study in the next Journal of Bizarre Medicine. 

Hot Dogs Being Reevaluated by FDA As Possible Unsafe Food Item

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Multiple studies have determined that consumption of hot dogs can be a risk factor for childhood cancer, and now Dr. Roger Peters, head of food safety and science at UCLA is working with the FDA to determine whether or not hot dogs are safe for any consumption.

Peters studied the relationship between the intake of certain foods and the risk of leukemia in children from birth to age 10 in Los Angeles County between 1980 and 1987. The study found that children who ate more than twelve hot dogs per month had nine times the normal risk of developing childhood leukemia.

When he continued the study into adulthood, he found that nearly every single person that he tested had eaten a hot dog at least once in their life, and also had cancer.

“I believe that hot dogs are dangerous. They’re disgusting to taste, horrible to cook, and if you saw how they were made, you’d know never to eat them,” said Peters. “The fact that they cause cancer makes them even worse.”

Peters’ study will be published later this year in the Diary of Modern Medicine. 

Sunscreen Is Causing People To Contract Cancer At Alarming Rates

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lawyers are rushing to buy ad space to alert people of the opportunity to sue sunscreen manufacturers. According to recent research released by the FDA sunblock is causing cancer. Experts, like Dr. Oz say they warned consumers years ago. “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” says Dr. Oz. “It’s either skin cancer or prostate and ovarian cancer. You can’t win.”

A legitimate doctor, Arthur Perry, M.D. explains how sunscreens cause cancer, “Chemical sunscreens don’t sit on the surface of the skin – they soak into it and quickly find their way into the bloodstream. That would be just fine if they were uniformly safe – but they’re not. There are 17 individual sunscreen ingredients that are FDA approved: 15 of these are clear chemicals that absorb UV light and two are made of minerals that reflect UV light. Of these 15, nine are known endocrine disruptors.

“The hormones most commonly disturbed are estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and thyroid. Endocrine disruptors, like some ingredients in chemical sunscreens, can cause abnormal development of fetuses and growing children. They cause early puberty and premature breast development in girls, and small and undescended testicles in boys. They cause low sperm counts and infertility. Endocrine disruptors that act like estrogen can contribute to the development of breast and ovarian cancers in women, and other endocrine disruptors may increase the chance of prostate cancer in men.”

Attorney, Dave Mallard does not think there is enough evidence to win against sunscreen manufacturers. “It all balances out. Yes, it may cause one kind of cancer, but it prevents another. Quid pro quo.”

Fake Maple Syrup Found To Cause Cancer

maple

BRIGHTON, Iowa – 

A new study performed on over 200 people found that fake maple syrup, the sugary-substance that can be purchased in grocery stores around the country, is causing cancer.

The study, which followed 100 people who ate real maple syrup every day on their pancakes, and another 100 who ate fake syrup such as Aunt Jemima. The 100 who ate the real syrup all contracted diabetes, but not a single one was found to have contracted cancer after 2 years of study. Of those who ate the fake syrup, 97 were found to have cancerous cells.

“It’s extremely amazing that this fake, sugary, blackened bottles of disgusting, fake syrup could be causing cancer, but based on our research, that’s exactly what is happening,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Now, we’re not saying that fake, sugary syrup is the cause of all cancers, because that would be getting ahead of ourselves, but what we’re saying is that is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

 

Johnson And Johnson May Go Bankrupt With Lawsuits

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Johnson and Johnson is expected to go bankrupt once they are forced to settle the multiple class action suits have been brought against them. The company is accused of continuing to sell baby powder even after finding out talc causes cancer.

While talcum powder is widely used to help keep skin dry and prevent rashes, when used on the genitals or buttocks, talc particles can travel up the vagina or rectum and remain trapped for years. These particles can cause inflammation and lead to the growth of prostate or ovarian cancer cells.

Families are urged to stop using baby powder now and lawyer up, as their child has a ten percent change of developing prostate or ovarian cancer.

“Prostate and ovarian cancer would not be nearly as prevalent if it wasn’t put on nearly every baby’s bottom for the last fifty years,” says Gabriel Evans, an attorney representing the victims. “They knew it was killing people and did nothing about it. It’s just another instance of the big-baby industry caring more and bout profit than human lives.”

Johnson & Johnson Company Group Chairman, Alex Gorsky declined to comment on the lawsuits, but is rumored to have stopped powdering his balls.

Vaping May Save Your Lungs, But E-Juice Shown To Cause Diabetes

vaping

GERALD, Florida – 

Over the last few years, many people have turned to vaping, or smoking e-cigarettes to help them quit smoking, or to ween of regular cigarettes. Although many people have said that vaping has help them to stop smoking, new studies are showing that instead of lung cancer, people who vape are more likely to contract type-2 diabetes.

“Do people even look at what is in the e-juice that they fill their vape machines with?” asked Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical College. “I mean, the ingredients in almost every single type we tested was nicotine and sugar. If it happened to be the nicotine free type of juice, then the ingredients were listed as sucralose and water – sugar water.”

Vaping has become increasingly popular in the last few years, but as more and more people take up the habit, the rate of type-2 diabetes in smokers has gone through the roof.

“Last year, in my clinic, we studied 200 people who were interested in quitting smoking. They began vaping, and all of them got of cigarettes,” said Dr. Brown. “Although this is a marvelous thing, every single one of them is also now a diabetic, and have to go on insulin and a special diet.”

Major vape companies, such as CoolVapesNow.com, have said that there is “no way” that their product causes any illnesses in its users.

“It’s just water vapor, man. I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about it,” said CoolVapes owner Myles Jones. “Vape on, that’s what I say. Vape on, bros.”

Man Says His Cancer Was Cured By Contracting AIDS

aids

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

John Johnson, 38, was diagnosed with bone cancer in 2013, and was given 6 months to a year to live by his doctors. Today, Johnson is cancer free, thanks to what he says is the “life giver,” otherwise known as AIDS.

“When the doctors told me I had 6 months left, I was a mess,” said Johnson. “After a week or so, I pulled myself together, and I went out on the town. Nay, I went out on the country! I started traveling, and, frankly, I fucked anything that moved. It was a great time, but then I started noticing that I was losing some serious weight. I thought it was the cancer, but I was wrong.”

Much to his surprise, a return visit to his doctor shows that Johnson had completely beaten cancer, but that he had contracted AIDS.

“It’s crazy to me that all this time, the cure to cancer was right there in front of us,” said Johnson. “It makes total sense where there are no people with AIDS who also have cancer. It seems that the two diseases simply cancel each other out.”

According to his doctors, Johnson will live a life free of cancer, but that his outlook with AIDS is grim; they expect that he will not see the end of 2016.

“Hey, they’ve been wrong before, you know?” said Johnson. “At this point, I’m just going to keep doing my thing, and the good Lord Satan will take me whenever he’s ready to. Not much I can do except enjoy this time!”

FDA Bans Blue Dye No. 1 After Discovering It Causes Cancer

blue

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The FDA has announced blue dye No. 1 will be phased out of US markets by the end of 2018. The popular dye is used to color everything from blue M&Ms to Listerine.

The dye is a byproduct of coal, and is referred to as a “brilliant blue.” Typical of modern dyes, blue number 1 was originally derived from coal tar, although most manufacturers now make it from an oil base. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) and other advocacy organizations have long argued that these and other artificial colorings may be linked to attention deficit disorder, and now the dye has been determined to be carcinogenic.

“We have decided that it is best to ban blue dye No. 1 from all consumer products,” said FDA spokesman Bill Hicks. “At this time, though, it is only linked to mild cancers, like finger cancer or maybe toe cancer, so it’s not going to be removed from market immediately. We are allowing ample time for manufacturers to use the dye they may have already purchased before working on new ways to dye their products.”

8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation

sick

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

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