New ‘Super Ecstasy’ Has Hit The Streets; Police Warn It Could End Up In Your Kids’ Halloween Bag

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.

A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.

“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”

According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.

“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”

Parents Die After Not Checking Child’s Halloween Candy For Poison, Eating It Themselves

GARDINER, Georgia – 

A couple who ate some of their child’s Halloween candy without checking first to see if it had been tampered with died after they both ate chocolates that had been injected with rat poison.

Mary and George Richards, both 33, of Gardiner, Georgia, took their 4-year-old son, Michael, out trick or treating on Monday evening, and when they arrived home at around 8PM, they sent Michael to bed.

According to their Facebook page, they were planning on sneaking some of Michael’s candy, and had a status saying that they “hoped he wouldn’t notice.”

“Michael got so much candy tonight, I think George and I are going to take a bunch for ourselves,” read Mary’s status. “Isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”

Police say the two were discovered dead only 45 minutes later, when a neighbor came by to hang out.

“It was gruesome,” said the neighbor. “They were both bloated and foaming at the mouth. I called 911, but it was too late.”

Despite urban legends to the contrary, this is the first case of Halloween candy poisoning in all of recorded history that wasn’t perpetrated by a friend or family member of the victim.

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey – 

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”

Baker Creates Sweet Frosting Using His Own Diabetic Blood

Baker Creates Sweet Frosting Using His Own Diabetic Blood

RICHMOND, Virginia – 

A diabetic man has put his recent diagnosis to work by creating a thick, maple syrup-like condiment from his own blood. James Dyer, 46, says that he had recently been feeling very ill, and was often lightheaded, and decided he needed to see his doctor.

“I went to my doctor, and he gave me a diagnosis of diabetes. I wasn’t really shocked, it definitely runs in the family, and that’s pretty much the only thing that runs in my family,” said Dyer. “I was really depressed for a few days, ’cause I fucking love cake and that’s not supposed to be happening anymore, but then I decided that this could be the break I needed.”

Dyer, a pastry chef by trade, said that since his blood was so sweet, he figured he could make a syrup out of it for use in his baking.

“I had an A1C count of 24. That’s stupid high. I should have been dead,” said Dyer. “My blood sugar when I went to my doctor was 900. I don’t even know what that means, except for the fact that my blood is sweeter than the stevia plant everyone raves about now, and it’s just as all natural.”

Dyer uses the blood condiment in his flavorings for his pastries, including for filling and frosting.

“People really like it, and come to find out, it’s not illegal, so this is all good. The kids and families can’t get enough,” said Dyer. “I don’t have much time left on this earth, but I am not going to let my sugary blood dictate my life and my eating habits. I will eat what I want. To be damned with insulin. I’m going to profit off my sweet, diabetic blood!”

 

Dentists Retract Years Of Research, Now Say Candy Helps Teeth Stay Strong

Dentists Retract Years Of Research, Now Say Candy Helps Teeth Stay Strong

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Warnings of rotting teeth and early dentures immediately spring to mind for many who grew up with health-conscious parents, but a recent trend among dentists may mean that is all about to change.

Dentists all over the world are declaring that candy and other sugar-packed sweets are actually the secret to strong, healthy teeth. This is backed by the ADA, or American Dental Association, who seem to be the originators of the claim. The ADA Seal of Acceptance, which previously appeared on products like toothpaste and some gum, will now appear on many types of candy.

“Hard sugary candies and the sticky stuff that gets stuck to your teeth are the best,” the ADA’s executive director explained. “The old idea that sugar rots your teeth out was akin to the idea that the Earth was flat – really just ignorant assumption.”

Everything in moderation, of course – too much isn’t good for you, experts say, just like drinking five gallons of water in a day isn’t good for you. Most dentists agree that if your teeth end up rotting out and you have to shell out thousands of dollars to them for operations and dental products, you most likely have poor dental hygiene habits in other areas. The “sweet spot” seems to be five to seven pounds of sugary candy a week.

Researchers across the country have taken an interest in this new return-to-candy movement as people seem to be visiting dentists more than ever. Many have mysteriously also retracted their statements, instead praising the ADA for its great research.

Inmate In Critical Condition After Being Stabbed By Charles Manson

CORCORAN, California – empire-news-charles-manson-granted-parole-prison-free

A man’s life hangs in the balance after he reportedly tried to steal a box of ramen noodles from the infamous Charles Manson at the California State Prison in Corcoran, California.

Warden Connie Gipson says the incident happened this morning and that Raymond Garcia, 39, from Los Altos, California, is in critical condition. “It seems that Garcia attempted to steal a box of Manson’s ramen noodles, which he had stashed under his bunk. Mr. Manson caught Garcia and proceeded to stab him with a lollipop which had been sucked down to a sharp point. He then stabbed Mr. Garcia in the neck twice, and in the abdomen once. Garcia remains in critical condition at this time,” Gipson said in a statement.

If Garcia dies, Manson would be charged with murder and, ironically, is the first time he has actually committed an act of violence on another human being using his own two hands.

Warden Gipson says that Manson and Garcia had become friends, and Manson often drew pictures for Garcia to send home to his family. Corrections officers at the facility believe that Manson did not make good on a deal in which Garcia fronted him the box of ramen noodles in exchange for a hand-drawn family portrait, which Manson never completed.

Gipson said this was the first time in her career that she recalls an inmate being stabbed by a lollipop. “It seems bizarre, but it happened, so we have removed all lollipops and suckers from the commissary so that this does not happen again,” Gipson said.

Jenny McCarthy Preaches New ‘Goating’ Fad, Says To Eat Candy While Still In The Wrapper

LOS ANGELES, California – Jenny McCarthy Preaches New Fad ‘Goating’, Advises To Eat Candy While In The Wrapper

Over the last 7 years, Jenny McCarthy has been able to convince millions of parents to stop vaccinating their children, almost single handedly creating the movement known to the media as anti-vaxxing. Now, McCarthy is working to convince parents that the only way for children to safely consume candy is while it’s still in the wrapper.

A public service announcement released by McCarthy early Monday morning detailed the supposed health benefits of ‘Goating’, or eating still-wrapped candy, and the increased risk of autism in children who eat chocolate and other candies that have been removed from its original wrapper.

McCarthy tells her 700,000 plus Facebook followers that years of research has gone into the theory, and that ‘Goating’ will provide your body with an extra layer of protection from the harmful GMO’s and chemicals found in candy. She said the idea came to her when the family dog got into a bag of fun-sized Milky Way candy bars.

“I knew I was on to something, because chocolate kills dogs normally, but Muffy was fine, just some diarrhea. If eating fully wrapped candy bars can prevent my dog from overdosing on chocolate, it can certainly prevent any child from contracting autism.”

Several respected authorities in the medical community have spoken out against Goating, and are warning the public that the practice of eating fully-wrapped candy carries a far greater health risk than just eating the candy bars normally. Experts are saying that in addition to the obvious choking concerns, the human digestive system is not designed to break down plastic wrappers.

McCarthy has said that she is releasing a book about her studies on ‘Goating’, to be released on October 21st. The book will be titled Goating: Now that’s a Wrap, and will be released just in time for Halloween, when candy eating is at a yearly high for children and adults alike.

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap.  It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!  I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product.  Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case.  He recognized them from the commercial.  He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout.  Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped!  I was embarrassed.  I went through the express line just as fast as I could.  I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama.  In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets.  My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation.  Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents.  “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet.  The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange!  The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth!  And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™  “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up!  We’re positive kids will love them!”

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