Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MEXICO CITY, Mexico –

Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars.

“Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” said AB InBev spokesman Rick Barker. “The lack of their medical care, the lack of their preparation, has lead to a massive outbreak of the Coronavirus in China, and as such, has lead to a massive souring of our brand here in the United States.”

The lawsuit, which claims nearly $200 million in damages, was filed in a superior court in Beijing, and names several specific government officials and medical personnel.

“While Corona beer has never been particularly popular in the United States with anyone, outside of those who hate the taste of good beer so prefer swill that you have to add fruit to in order to drink it, but that’s not the point,” said Barker. “We are already feeling the pinch of this Coronavirus, and sales figures are dwindling daily. It’s only a matter of time before the connection becomes a total mixture of truth and reality, and people stop drinking Coronas all together because they think they’ll get sick from it. They will, but that’s because it’s garbage beer, not because it’s got any virus in it.”

China Announces Plans To Sell Tibet To Highest Bidder

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”

“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”

Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.

Tide Detergent Counterfeiting Ring Seemingly Unstoppable

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Inner-city gangs have branched out from dealing in crack and heroin. Tide liquid detergent is now one of the hottest commodities on the streets. Many drug dealers now accept Tide as payment, encouraging shoplifters to load up carts of detergent and flee from stores. Others pay small amounts for new-looking tide bottles, which they can fill with generic detergent and resell on the black market.

Shanice Williams says most women she knows would not be caught dead at the laundromat with anything other than Tide detergent. “It’s a status thing. Tide’s classy. Don’t matter if it’s a knockoff as long as it’s blue cause they aint gonna stick their noses up in your laundry. Me though, I only use the real thing, and two cap fulls – ’cause I like my drawers smelling fresh. You gotta watch it though. Bitches will run off with your bottle if you turn your back for even a second. I even seen bitches getting stabbed for they Tide.”

Knock-off bottles are flooding the streets on Compton, Detroit, New York City, and even Des Moines. The FBI says the counterfeiting ring is difficult to stop. Not only are small-timers filling bottles with generic detergent at the local level, but thousands of counterfeit bottles are making their way into the United States from China.

“This is one of the most difficult cases I’ve ever handled as a detective,” said policeman George Lawson. “I have been working with my team tirelessly to get the Tide rings under control. Not being able to do so in a reasonable amount of time has been a real stain on my career.”

Man With Teeth On Outside Of Face Says ‘At Least I Don’t Have Cavities’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PEIKING, China –

Pang Wok has a rare condition that has caused his teeth to grow outwards, through his lips and gums, appearing on the outside of his face. Although doctors say that with plastic surgery and careful extraction they could fix most of Mr. Wok’s issues, he seems completely un-phased by his condition.

“I have always been like this, so no need to change anything now,” said Wok, 52. “I do not have cavities, I can still chew, so there’s not much to complain about. I am who I am and that all that I am.”

Wok says that many doctors from all over the world have offered to correct his tooth issues free of charge, but even then, Wok claims that he’s not interested.

“What’s the point? Everyone I know has seen me, they’ve grown used to it,” said Wok. “If I changed the way I look now, what would my family say? What would my wife say? They know me in this way. I am happy enough, even if I look strange. Besides, all of my patients think it’s hilarious.”

Wok has been a practicing dentist for over 20 years.

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

Chinese Road Crew Cook, Eat Dinosaur Eggs Unearthed During Construction

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HEYUAN, China –

A group of road workers in Heyuan, China unearthed a section of cement that had several fossilized dinosaur eggs in it yesterday, and reports indicate that they used the eggs as part of a giant feast and celebration they were having for completing the new section of road.

“We have been working on the road in Heyuan for many months, and we found the eggs on our last day working,” said crew supervisor Ho Lee. “We already had a large party planned for after work, with the entire crew meeting up for drinks and food. When we found the eggs, and there were 19 of them, we knew it was fate that we should eat them – as there were 19 of us working on the crew!”

Lee says that they photographed the eggs and gave several broken pieces to local researchers. The whole, unbroken eggs they took home to cook and eat.

“Mostly, they tasted like chicken when fried like a normal egg,” said Lee. “It was surprising how good they were after millions of years. We are not sure the breed of dinosaur that was inside, but if it was a T-Rex, I will be very happy!”

Heyuan has been called the “Land of the Dinosaurs,” after more than 17,000 fragments and fossils have been found in the area since 1996.

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

Walmart Sells To Chinese Investment Group For Over $500B

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Sam Walton founded Walmart on July 2, 1952 after working for retail giant J.C. Penny for several years. Walton died in 1992 of bone cancer just as his franchise had become one of the biggest in the entire world, however the company would remain in the family the entire time. Today, though, it was announced that the company is being sold to a group of Chinese investors, the Chine Investment Group, better known as CIG.

CIG, led by CEO and president of financial operations, Bao Chang, purchased Walmart from the wealthy Walton family for a world record $535 billion USD. The deal also includes Sam’s Club, Walmart Express, although Walmart International currently, and curiously, remains off the deal.

In an early morning press conference, including both Chang and S. Robson Walton, Chang announced that the store would remain just as it has for several years, with the exception of a name change.

“It is with great honor that we purchase and take over this great franchise establishment, the service to customers worldwide will remain just as dependable,” Chang said. “We will be changing the name of the legendary store to ‘China-Direct’, being that most products sold in the store are, indeed, made in China. This is a great day for the country of China, as well as the shoppers of the United States.”

Today there are over 11,000 Walmart stores located throughout 27 countries, with the number growing every year since the company was founded. Chang insists that the name change will not affect those who shop at the store, though.

“Everyone knows that China makes a great product. If anything, the name change will generate more respect for the company, therefore making it more successful. When people shop, they want to see that little sticker that says ‘Made in China’ and nothing will be sold in our stores which isn’t made in China. We must give the people, especially the American people, the product they truly wish for and deserve.”

New ‘Anti-Cry Collar’ For Noisy Babies Has Human Rights Groups Outraged

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Angela Baker

BEIJING, China –

How far would you go to stop your baby from crying? China Toy Group has begun manufacturing a new line of parental aids, with their flagship device aimed at quieting your noisy baby. A terry clothed collar fits snugly around your baby’s neck, providing head support and emitting a low-pitched frequency hum that is inaudible to adults every time baby begins to cry. It has yet to be released in the US, but pre-orders are stacking up in China.

Human rights groups say that they think the concept sounds a bit too much like bark collars, which emit a high-frequency noise only dogs can hear, stopping man’s best friend from excessive barking. Activist Marsha Bradley says, “What’s next, shock collars for kids? Zap your kid when they don’t clean their room or shock your spouse when they forget to put the toilet seat down? This treatment is completely inhumane!”

CTG Representative, Fu Rui Shou defends the device, claiming it is a perfect way to help your child learn to behave.

“We not saying, keep on your baby 100% of time. When you out at restaurants, put on child, as courtesy to other people. Think you ready shake you baby? You use this product instead. So, so much better plan. It will save baby lives. It will save you sanity from baby who never stop crying. It also very safe. We think baby will like hum sound. Sound like being in sweet, cozy womb.”

Bradley disagrees. “I saw a baby with one of these things on. He was drooling all over the place – then he peed itself. That baby was terrified, and it hated wearing this cruelty collar.”

Currently, China Toy Association is developing a marketing plan for the US and Europe. They are optimistic it will catch on. Shou says they intend to extend the line into marital aids. “We still in early stage of development, but collar also be nice to have for nagging spouse. Shut them up good, no more complain. Teach them to act just like proper Chinese wife.”

New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”