FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

Abortion Clinic Busted For Selling Fetuses To Chinese Restaurant

 SELLERSBURG, Indiana – Empire-News-Chinese-Resturant-Using-Aborted-Fetuses-In-Their-Food

A local Sellersburg establishment was shut down by police and health inspectors this week, after an investigation of the Beijing Chinese restaurant showed that they were purchasing aborted fetuses from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic.

Police first became aware of the Beijing restaurant using human fetuses as part of their cuisine when several people were hospitalized after eating at the restaurant. Representatives from the Sellersburg Department of Health were called by doctors at Clark Memorial Hospital to investigate the conditions at Beijing, assuming improper food storage or preparations. The Department of Health was shocked at what they found.

“They had an entire walk-in refrigerator dedicated to unborn fetuses, all of them in different stages of dismemberment. It was clear they were using them as part of their recipes.” Said Brendan Kelly, department head for the Sellersburg D.O.H. “We immediately closed the restaurant, and contacted state officials.”

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“We were contacted by the Department of Health, who informed us that a local abortion clinic may be selling discarded fetuses to the Beijing restaurant.” Said Captain Joseph Goldsmith of the Indiana State Police. “We moved in quickly on both establishments, making sure that we got a lock on all this as soon as possible.”

Along with the owners of the Beijing Restaurant, Soi Cha and Fo Shi, officials also arrested two men from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic. Alex Coates and Ryan Wintson will be facing charges for their part in the theft and sale of the fetuses, which officials believe had been happening for years.

“Alex and Ryan were two members of our nighttime cleaning crew who’d worked for us for almost 6 years.” Said Doctor Thomas Telford of the Sunbright Clinic. “I am shocked that they could or would do something like this. Sickened and appalled.”

All four men will be facing charges in Sellersburg Superior Court. Cha and Shi, the purchasers of the unborn fetuses, are charged with assault and attempted manslaughter, because of the illnesses they caused in customers, as well as with the lesser charge of dismembering a corpse, which is a misdemeanor in the state of Indiana. Coates and Winston are being charged with theft and sale of human remains, theft of medical supplies and equipment, theft of medical waste, assault, and attempted manslaughter. Each are facing up to a 9 year sentence if convicted.

“This is without a doubt the most disturbing thing that’s happened in this town.” Said Kelly. “We never expected to come across something so dark and grotesque.”

Both Beijing and the Sunbright Clinic have been closed for investigation until further notice. Doctors at Sunbright Clinic say they were completely unaware that this was happening in their offices, and at the time of this writing, no charges were being filed against any of their medical staff.

Chinese Buffet Hopes To Rebuild Business With ‘Happy Ending’ Specials

BOSTON, Massachusetts – Chinese Buffet Hopes To Rebuild Business With 'Happy Ending' Specials

A Boston Chinese restaurant in Chinatown is offering a new, yet bizarre way to pack the seats at their buffet. King Kong Feast, a restaurant that has been a staple in the city for years but has lately seen a slip in business, is now offering a ‘Happy Ending’ with each meal purchase.

Although the numbers had been steadily decreasing, customers say it is because they have a new chef, and their chicken teriyaki on a stick hasn’t been the same since the change last September.

“We thought we’d offer our customers something they wouldn’t receive at any other restaurant,” said Lee Chow, owner of King Kong Feast buffet. “With this new change, we notice that our customers have been returning more frequently, and that new customers are coming more and more.”

“Personally, I don’t mind the handjob, but do they really have to use MSG grease as the lube?” said customer Mark R., who asked us to keep his last name private. “To be honest, they don’t have to go to these lengths. They just need to bring back their old recipe for their chicken teriyaki on a stick. Those things were delicious.”

Chow said he isn’t concerned with local police, because he says that all police officers are allowed to eat for free, and get the full ‘benefits’ as any paying customer.

“We have policemen who eat here all the time and they love our food and services. It’s a good relief for a lunch break. They have a stressful job, you know,” said Chow. “‘l’ve even been known to do the happiness myself for them, to show my appreciation for their hard work. These men love our foods, and they love our happy endings, too!”

The King Kong Feast buffet is open 7 days a week from 11am-10pm, and they say they don’t discriminate with the happy endings. “Women love a good rub-out after a meal, too!” said Chow.

Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

CARMEL, New York – Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary.  They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum].  Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl.  “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one.  We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela.  “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor.  It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy.  I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss?  Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see.  The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job?  It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’  Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again.  Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued.  “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified!  At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me.  I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year.  I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.”  Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do.  Beats me.  The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin!  Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right!  I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress.  Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary.  She was crying and we never even made it to the museum!  We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.

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