Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”

Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

Posted on August 8, 2014 by DvanL

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Don’t call Carl McInerney a hero. The unassuming groundskeeper from Roslindale, MA is just a regular guy, to hear him tell it. But early last week his low-profile status instantly changed, when lifelong friends Jessica Hayes and Barbara “Bobbie” Clarke found themselves in trouble at an outdoor café.

“Bobbie and I were eating way too fast,” explained Hayes. Clarke had just returned from a week’s vacation in Bali. “I was telling her how I almost missed my plane home because I always run late. It’s like a running gag between us so we were laughing about it.”

Laughter turned to panic when Hayes showed signs of distress. “All of a sudden I look up,” recalled Clarke, “and Jess wasn’t laughing anymore. She was grabbing her throat and banging her hand on the table.”

That’s when McInerney unexpectedly joined them for lunch. “It was my first day at work at the Arboretum so I was kind of in a hurry to get over there,” Boston’s Arnold Arboretum is a much-loved public park, nature research facility and national landmark. “I saw one lady, she was screaming over there and the other lady was hunched all over the table choking.”

McInerney explained what happened next. “I ran over to the lady who was choking and did the Heimlich on her. So then the food comes flying out of her mouth toward the other lady who was right across from her, and the other lady’s got her mouth hanging wide open ‘cause she was in shock, I guess, from being a witness to the whole thing. So then the food comes flying out of the first lady’s mouth and goes right straight into her friend’s mouth, and gets stuck in her throat! So then this second lady starts choking and now she can’t breathe. I thought I was having a wicked nightmare or something.”

Instinct kicked in again, as McInerney quickly raced to the other side of the table and re-performed the lifesaving maneuver, this time on Clarke.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Hayes, after regaining her breath. “It was a cherry tomato that got us both, which was kind of gross, but now we joke about it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Clarke. “We always say we share everything but this time it went too far!”

McInerney didn’t stay around long enough to receive the thanks he deserved. “I made it to work just on time and told my new boss what happened. They made me employee of the month the first day I was there! It was crazy, and I said, ‘Is this for real?’”

McInerney, Hayes, and Clarke plan to have lunch together soon, “But this time,” joked Hayes, “we’re going to make it a liquid lunch!”