Snake Massages Become Weird New Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

snake

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.

“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”

Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.

“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”

Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.

Ben Affleck Quits Role As Batman, Studio Hires Chris Pratt As Replacement

LOS ANGELES, California – Ben Affleck Quits Role As Batman, Studio Hires Chris Pratt As Replacement

After several months and an incomplete movie role, Ben Affleck officially announced his immediate resignation from the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman. Affleck’s resignation came in a comment he left on a thread insulting him on popular website Reddit.com. Within minutes of Warner Bros. confirming the resignation with Affleck’s publicist, they hired Chris Pratt (Guardians of the Galaxy, “Parks and Recreation”) to fill the role.

The original announcement on Reddit came from Affleck’s official Reddit account, Ben_Affleck. It was a response to a comment from user ‘Y_isBenBatman’, that asked, as even their username pointed out, why Warner Bros. would ever hire Ben Affleck to play Batman. The comment was up-voted over ten thousand of times.

The response via the Ben_Affleck account was simply “I am Ben Affleck, and I quit Batman.”

Affleck has nearly wrapped shooting Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, and was under contract to star as the caped crusader in several other films.

“We don’t care that Ben breached his contract. He’s a great guy. He’s so lovable, but we’re so relieved that we don’t have to deal with the ‘Batfleck’ backlash anymore. Plus, thanks to that movie he’s got going right now that we desperately wish we had made, Chris Pratt is a mega-star. Not to mention his role on that show about the. . . uh, it’s on NBC? Eh, whatever. He’s on TV, so he’s got a flexible schedule,” said a Warner Bros. executive.

When asked to comment, Affleck referred all comments to his wife, Jennifer Garner. “I encouraged him to resign,” Garner said. “There’ve been too many sleepless nights while Ben’s on Reddit crying. I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was worse than when he read the Daredevil reviews. He still cries about Gigli in the shower, but he can’t keep Batman in the shower, you know? It wasn’t even this bad when Jersey Girl was coming out.”

Pratt, along with Warner Bros., is absolutely thrilled that he has been asked to take on the physically demanding role. “Dude, this is so awesome. I mean, I really feel for Ben. It sucks that he resigned in disgrace and stuff. He’s such a good guy, he has Oscars. But, I am Batman now. I never thought my career would go in this direction when I was playing that hippie on The O.C. Man, first I get to guard the galaxy, now I’ll get to guard Gotham. Awesome.”

According to studio reports, Warner Bros. still has Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice slated for a release date of March 25, 2016. “All we’ve really filmed so far are shots of Ben in the suit with a lot of devastation in the background, which can be easily replaced. Chris Pratt is a pro, he’ll get this done for us in no time,” director Zack Snyder said.

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