Jewish Reporter Asks Trump If He Plans To Put Menorah In the White House; Trump Tells Him ‘F*** The Jews’

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christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.

But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.

“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”

Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.

“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

army

TRENTON, New Jersey – 

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

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“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.

Hottest Selling Toy This Year Wasn’t for Kids

dildos

TOKYO, Japan – 

Christmas is big in Japan this year, but the hottest selling toy was not for kids. According to reports, Japan had record sales in the sex-toy industry in 2015.

Although many look at a sexed up Christmas as blasphemous, Japan’s spiritual community is made up of Shintos and Buddhists so naturally the holiday has nothing to do with Christ. It’s about being merry, and what brings more merriment than glow in the dark sex-toys? It’s also the season for executives to buy for their secretaries.

“We sold over 43 million dildos and other toys this year,” said RubbaDubba CEO Toyki Misaka. “They are very good to use for happiness.”

These black light reactive adult toys are perfect for the rave orgy scene in clubs of Tokyo, and Osaka. On the black market, ecstasy sales also spiked in 2015, although the leading black market commodity is still underage prostitutes.

Woman Pulls a Gun On Store Cashier Who Said ‘Happy Holidays’ Instead of ‘Merry Christmas’

gun

ASHEVILLE, North Carolina – 

A woman reportedly pulled a gun on a Kroger’s grocery store cashier who wished her ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of a ‘Merry Christmas’ after the transaction, according to Asheville Police.

“We had a call of a woman, mid-to-late-30s, who pulled a semi-automatic pistol on a Kroger’s employee,” said police chief Miles Kenefic. “The woman, who has yet to be identified, reportedly was upset to hear the employee say ‘happy holidays,’ and pulled the gun from her purse.”

The Kroger’s employee, who has been placed on leave following the incident to recover from stress-related illness, was told by her supervisors to tell everyone “Happy Holidays” after they had completed their transaction.

“It’s Kroger’s policy to say ‘Happy Holidays,’ because it’s more inclusive,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “It doesn’t matter to me if you celebrate Christmas or any other holiday at this time. You could celebrate no gift giving of family-oriented or religious holiday. It wouldn’t matter. There’s still New Year’s, and that’s still a holiday, so it’s just what we say here. Our employee was in the right.”

Police have been unable to come up with any leads as to the identity of the woman in the store, but say they are ‘working diligently’ to locate the suspect.

“We’re very upset that this happened in our city,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely proof-positive of why people should not be allowed to carry guns. Period.”

 

Patrick Swayze Turns In His Grave After First Reviews of ‘Point Break’ Remake Hit The Web

swayze

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Patrick Swayze made a name for himself in the 80s and 90s, starring in feature films like Road House and Ghost, but one of his most iconic rolls was in the heist/action film Point Break, co-starring Keanu Reeves, that was released in 1991. The actor has since passed on, but as reviews of the Point Break remake have begun hitting the web, reports have indicated that Swayze is, indeed, rolling in his grave.

“I saw the trailer for the new Point Break, and I have to say, it looks pretty damn awful,” said film reviewer Charles Junior. “I watched it and said, ‘Oh man, Patrick probably rolling over in his grave right now,’ and as it turns out, he really is.”

Swayze’s headstone has reportedly fallen over multiple times, and groundskeepers at the cemetery say that they know it’s because he’s in there, going out of his mind.

“I keep picking it back up, but then it falls back over,” said one cemetery worker. “Problem is that damn Point Break remake. Making that poor man turn over and over in his grave. It’s sad. They should just pull it from release before it causes Mr. Swayze to get no eternal rest.”

Keanu Reeves, Swayze’s co-star in the original film, is still alive, but yet had no comment on the half-assed remake. Point Break is scheduled to hit theatres on Christmas day for some reason.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

obama christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

starbucks

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

Family Loses House After Christmas Lights Cause Massive Fire

BUXTON, Maine – 

A family in Maine who decorated their house far, far too early for Christmas have reportedly lost everything after the lights they placed around their house caught fire, destroying the home in a massive blaze.

The Miller family of 35 Willow Lane in Buxton, Maine, say that every year at this time they decorate their house for the upcoming holiday season.

“Not for Halloween, though, that’s the Devil’s holiday,” said Mary Buxton, 42. “We skip the entire concept of Halloween and go right to Christmas. The beautiful lights, the colors, the fake snow. We love it. We always decorate for Christmas at the end of October.”

According to police, though, this year the Millers’ received a stroke of bad luck, after a string of Christmas lights the family hung outside blew, the sparks causing a fire that destroyed the home.

“Thankfully, no one was injured in the horrific blaze,” said fire chief Mike Pooler. “I will say, though, that this should be a lesson to everyone to not rush into the Christmas spirit. If you are decorating for Christmas now, I am of the opinion your house deserves to burn to the ground. I mean, I tried to save the home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Burn, you house of Christmas! Burn!'”

The Miller family says they are starting a GoFundMe page to try and raise money to replace the Christmas presents that were already inside the home under their stupid fake tree.

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas TV Advertising Campaigns On May 1st

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas Advertising Campaigns May 1st

UNITED STATES – 

Starting May 1st, many retailers will begin running their Christmas and holiday themed ads on television and via the internet, in hopes of getting a jump on competitors who offer similar products for similar pricing.

“We normally would not jump into the holiday spirit so soon,” said Best Buy advertising manager Cliff Blue. “But we saw that Future Shop and HH Gregg were both going to be launching their Christmas ads, so we decided to do so as well. We have to stay competitive.”

Other retailers who begin holiday advertising this May include K-Mart, Home Depot, and Target.

“Basically at this point, everyone is just trying to keep up with Wal-Mart, and whatever they’re doing,” said a board member of Target who wished to remain anonymous. “We heard that they were going to be launching Christmas ads in June, so we wanted to break away. We already have plans of starting our Christmas ads for next year on December 26th of this year, so that way no one can ever say they were before us.”

Customers of all the stores say they couldn’t care less what the ads on TV are showing, because most of them don’t see TV commercials anyway.

“Well, we had cable up until a month ago, but we finally cut the cord, so I never see commercials anymore,” said Anne Taxe, of Washington. “Come to think of it, even when we had cable we DVR’d everything and skipped commercials. Yeah, so, I guess it doesn’t matter what they’re trying to shove in my face – I’m not seeing it anyway.”

“Christmas is a time for giving, and for caring, and what better way to show someone you care than to let them know you were thinking of them in the middle of the spring, and had their gift ready 8 months in advance?” asked Blue. “This year, give them something they’ll always remember, like a 65″ Panasonic TV. On sale for the holiday at only $1,300 with a 4-year protection plan!”

Texas Family Fined For Not Removing Christmas Lights From Outside Home

christmas

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

In a monumental decision by the State of Texas, a new law has been enacted that resulted in one family being fined $12,000 for leaving their Christmas lights up too long.

The Sorenson family is just like any other – except that they are always the last to take down their decorations, for any holiday. Many neighbors have filed complaints about the annoyance of light pollution at night far into the new year, but it wasn’t until mayor Ivy R. Taylor passed through and noticed the decorations that anything was done about it.

“No one wants to see Christmas decorations that late in the year. It’s just obnoxious and tacky,” said the mayor.

In the case Sorenson v. City of San Antonio, an intense debate sparked over how long was too long to keep decorations up. The mayor’s initial declaration was a single week, stating: “These late compliers tarnish our beautiful city’s reputation and create tension for other residents. If we come down hard, it will stop – immediately.”

The ultimate decision, however, was the end of January, to accommodate for various religious and cultural beliefs associated with the holiday season. The initial fine for the first offense starts at just $100, with a small additional fine for each day over the limit.

Many residents are ecstatic about this change, citing the same frustrations. The Sorenson family plans to fight it any way they can.

Mayor Taylor declined to comment on stores putting decorations and festive food out for sale several months in advance.

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