Man Sells Heart To Pay Rent

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CLEVELAND, Ohio-

A local resident of Cleveland has passed away today after responding to a strange Craigslist post months ago. The post has recently been taking down by police, but they report they have a man in custody they believe is tied to the death of James Grace, 27.

According to police reports, approximately six months ago, Grace responded to a Craigslist ad claiming to pay top dollar for a human heart. Long, detailed emails transpired, and police were led to question the ad’s poster, Henry James. In his emails, James explains that he would pay $750 for Grace’s heart. In the correspondence, Grace asked several times if the procedure was safe, and claimed he needed the money to make rent that month.

Grace was found dead in his on apartment, with a large scar that had been stitched up over his rib cage. James is in custody, but lawyers are claiming that the entire ad was obviously a gag, and that Grace was just a “goddamned idiot.”

“Mr. Grace cut out his own heart, and even managed to stitch himself back up a bit before he died,” said Bill S. Preston, Esq., James’ attorney. “Frankly, it is a medical marvel that he was able to do that. I guess it was like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and they run around for a bit. Anyway, Mr. Grace was clearly retarded, in that he thought he might be able to live without his heart. Sorry, but that’s just not our fucking problem. Case closed.”

Currently, James is being held in the Cleveland County jail. He is being held on $20,000 bail. His lawyer says that he will place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell their body parts and donate the money to their legal fund.

 

 

RNR Hall of Fame Adds Green Day As ‘Joke’, People Vote For Them Anyway

CLEVELAND, Ohio – RNR Hall of Fame Adds Green Day As 'Joke', People Vote For Them Anyway

The 2015 nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame include some major influences throughout music history, including Lou Reed and Joan Jett, but representatives for the HOF also say they added in a few other acts as a ‘joke,’ and then were very surprised when fans started voting for them to be inducted.

“It’s really crazy to see that Green Day is in the top 3 for fan voting,” said Charles Berry, a representative for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. “We started the fan voting a few years ago, and it’s nice for people to have a voice in selection. Technically speaking, Green Day are eligible for entry, but we didn’t think anyone would actually think they were a viable option. I mean really, it’s Green Day. They’ve done about as much for music as an accordion-playing Polka dancer. When your first major album is called Dookie, can you really expect people to take you seriously?”

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According to the Hall of Fame’s official website, artists become eligible for induction 25 years after the release of their first record. Criteria is based around the influence and significance of the artists’ contributions to the development and perpetuation of rock and roll, of which Hall of Fame board members say Green Day doesn’t entirely fit.

“They’ve sold some records, been around 25 years, yes, yes,” said Berry. “They didn’t really influence anyone, though, as near as we can tell. If they did, we certainly couldn’t find anyone to admit to it. On the other hand, they must have a fan base still, because someone is voting for them on the website. Unless, of course, it’s just the band voting for themselves over and over, which is a possibility we haven’t exactly ruled out.”

Empire News reached out to Joan Jett for comment about Green Day receiving more votes than her band, The Blackhearts, but she was too busy being a true punk legend and a serious badass to comment. Green Day probably could have been, but was not bothered to be, reached for comment.

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