Trump Challenges Hillary To Game of HORSE To See Who Wins Election

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has said that, in order to give Hillary a “fair chance” at winning after his “super-yuge” lead in the polls, he would allow Hillary to play him in a game of HORSE to decide the winner of the election.

“I’m quite sure that I will win the election based on votes, and I don’t think it’s even fair to Hillary at this point,” said Trump. “I’m all about fair play. I love women. I respect women, and I respect Hillary. No one has more respect for Hillary than me. And with that respect comes the great admiration that always comes with respect. It with that admiration comes challenge, and with challenge comes sports, and basically, I think we should play a game of HORSE to decide the election, voting be damned.”

Hillary Clinton has not responded directly to the Trump challenge, but staffers on her campaign have said that she has been practicing her layups and 3-point shots in anticipation of a “hell of a game.”

Clinton Received Debate Questions In Advance, Says Source

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to a source inside the Clinton campaign, not only was Hillary being prompted on the best answers to give, live during the debate via secret ear piece, but that an anonymous staffer at CNN had actually leaked the questions to her in advance.

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“It was supposed to be a secret, and no one except Holt was supposed to know the questions in advance,” said the anonymous source. “That’s not even close to true. The case is, Holt had worked with other members of the CNN news team to create the questions. They were actually leaked to us at the Clinton campaign, and not only did we use the information, we actually changed some of the questions.”

The member of Clinton’s campaign said that although the debate was supposed to be on a “level playing field,” they couldn’t take any chances.

“It’s true that we’d been practicing the debates, at night, to make sure that Hillary’s health could sustain the rigorous time constraints, but we had to make sure that we had a leg-up. Why do you think all of her answers were so perfect, so concise – as if she knew what was coming. She’s failing, and it’s happening fast. Her constituents are going in record numbers. We needed to make sure Trump looked like the fool we all know he is.”

No one from Hillary Clinton’s campaign would give an official, on-the-record statement.

Terrorist Plot Thwarted During Presidential Debate, Secret Service Captures Attempted Bomber

NEW YORK – 

FBI investigators have confirmed that a large-scale terrorist threat was thwarted on Monday evening, only a short time before presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were scheduled to take the stage to begin one of the most historic debates of our time.

According to FBI spokesman Mario Givens, an unnamed Caucasian man, who “pledged his allegiance” to ISIS, had made his way through security at the event, and was planning to detonate a large bomb.

“The man, whose name we are currently not releasing, was able to make his way through security with a suitcase, which is supposed to be strictly forbidden at these events,” said Givens. “We were able to stop the attempted massacre thanks to the quick-thinking and efforts of an incredible police and security detail.”

Donald Trump was quoted as saying that he was “extremely grateful” for the work done by the security teams at the event, and that he is hopeful for a much safer future.

“It’s clear that anyone looking to bomb this event, they were doing it because of Hillary,” said Trump. “Obviously her supporters are whackos, and these people, these whackos, they usually don’t get the upper hand. The police, FBI, and my private security did an amazing job tonight.”

Hillary Clinton Offered $5M To Make Adult Film With Company Vivid Video

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As 'Mrs. President'

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hillary Clinton is taking on a new type of job that may make her numbers drop in the polls.

Trying to keep her name high in the political spotlight through possible scandal, including a massive email snafu, has not been easy. In an extremely surprising change of character, it was announced today that Clinton has signed a multi-million dollar contract with Vivid Video, a well-known adult entertainment company. Neither Vivid not Clinton have commented on exactly what the terms of her deal are, as far as sexual acts that will appear in the film.

Inside sources say that Vivid has begun auditioning actors for a new adult film they plan to release this winter called Bend Me Over BenghaziThe film’s plot is described as a being about a young woman struggling to make it to the top of the hectic, scary, and vile world of politics, all while she uses her orifices to climb the ladder of success. Presumably, Clinton is serving as Vivid’s go-to for information on the behind-the-scenes intrigue and goings-on of political life.

Despite Vivid trying to keep their deal a secret, they did comment saying “What people are saying about our contract and deals, they may or may not be true. Just watch our website cum (sic) the end of the year, and you can see for yourself what we’re up to.”

With the news breaking right as Trump takes a lead in the polls, questions abound as to whether Clinton still plans to stay in the race. Her normally staunch supporters seem to be less-than-thrilled about the news of her working in the adult industry, even if she doesn’t end up working in front of the camera.

“You can’t run a country if the people you are in control of know what you look like naked,” said Anthony Wiener, former New York State congressman. “I know that once I sent out all those cock pics to everyone, there was no way I was becoming president.”

“I don’t know what her deal is, and I don’t care,” Said current vice-president Dick Cheney. “All I know is that if she ends up in a porno, that is one tape that I definitely have to see.”

Bend Me Over Benghazi is scheduled for release in November. Clinton and her representatives refused comment for this article.

Bill Clinton Takes LSD Hit Back Stage At DNC

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

It may not have been obvious to everyone, but Bill Clinton was higher than a kite during his wife’s “legendary” DNC speech Thursday evening. The former president was reportedly seen taking large hits of LSD back stage before joining Hillary Clinton at the podium, where he spent several minutes spacing out, and then playing with balloons.

“I have never seen anyone drop so much at once,” said a Clinton campaign staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “He looked right at me, offered me some, and I had to take a pass. So he just took a whole bunch himself. It was intense. We tried to stop him, but you know, he’s pretty ornery for an old man.”

Hillary Clinton appeared to ignore her husband completely while he stared at confetti being dropped from the ceiling, and while he spent several minutes playing with balloons, including carrying a large one around on stage before kicking it into the crowd.

“This night is fantastic, you’re all fantastic, and everyone is so fucking awesome, man,” Bill Clinton reportedly said to reporters after the event had died down. “I don’t know how you’re all doing that swirly motion thing with your eyes, but it’s tripping me out in so many sick ways.”

 

Clinton Campaign Says They Have Trump/Melania Sex Tape And They’ll Release It If He Doesn’t Drop Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager has release an email to the press, stating that they have a secret recording of Donald Trump and wife, Melania Trump, having sex – and they plan to release it “accidentally” if he doesn’t drop out of the race.

“If you think that some of the things that Trump has said and done in the past should be embarrassing, there is nothing that touches this,” read the email. “We have secured the tape through legal, legitimate channels, and we are prepared to release it to the public if Trump does not drop from the race.”

According to Trump, it is impossible that Hillary is in possession of a tape of him having sex.

“I have not had sex with my wife, or any woman, in nearly 20 years,” said Trump. “I may have implied that I had a large penis earlier in the race, and that’s true, but it’s also flaccid as hell, and doesn’t get much use. You’d think it would be obvious that a woman as attractive as Melania would be in this for the money, and the power, and not for what is hanging down there.”

The Clinton campaign says that they are not swayed by Trump’s comments, and are fully standing behind their statement that they will release the video if Trump does not back down.

Donald Trump Admits He Was Only Running For President To Get Hillary Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C – 

The rumors were true after all. Donald Trump has just admitted that he was a Hillary Clinton plant the whole time.

Many have suspected as much, and liberal trolls on the internet have been saying it for months, but now Donald Trump himself has admitted that he is running as a Republican to ensure Hillary Clinton will win in November. Trump revealed via Twitter that he made a deal with Hillary in 2014; this all unfolding mere days after Trump’s lock on securing the Republican nomination

After Donald Trump made this announcement, campaign manager Gerald Rogers released a press release documenting the entire charade.

“Electing Hillary Clinton, the most disliked Democrat politician in decades, would have been impossible unless she were running against a Republican that was even worse. Although, it couldn’t just be any Republican, it would have to be the absolute worst Republican in the country,” said Rogers. “It would have to be a Republican that was so bad even other Republicans would denounce them. It would have to be someone that would split the party and ensure Hillary could win the White House with only 40% of the vote.”

Trump has said now that he has gained the GOP nomination, though, he will continue to run, because “being president” is something that he says he can “really kick ass” at.

Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

Hillary Clinton Calls Bernie Sanders A ‘Fag Lover’ During NY Debate

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.

What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.

“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.

Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.

“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”

SHOCKING! Hillary Clinton Having Secret Affair With Bernie Sanders

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what seems like a story straight out of the mind of a political satirist, Senators Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are reportedly engaged in a “very torrid love affair,” according to insiders.

In emails possibly more damaging to Clinton than Bengazi, a series of love letters, sexual fantasies, and nude selfies were leaked to the internet on Tuesday morning, reportedly exchanged between Clinton and Sanders. Although the two have become bitter rivals on the campaign trail, the emails show that most of what happens on stage and on TV during the race is mostly for show.

“I’m so glad to feel your ‘bern,'” said one email sent by Clinton to Sanders, along with a nude picture taken in a full-length mirror. “Bill has been looking past me for months. I needed someone to come along like you who can fulfill all my real needs. Can’t wait to see you out there, baby.”

There were multiple responses from Sanders as well, most of them filled with too many sexual expletives for printing.

Both candidates have denied any wrongdoing, and say that there is decidedly no “affair” happening between them. The emails were reportedly leaked by a Sanders staffer who used a laptop with the account left open by Sanders himself.

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