ATLANTA, Georgia –
Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.
“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”
Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
The Coca-Cola Company says that they have purchased the rights to one of their biggest rivals from 7-Up Co., Dr. Pepper. The company says that they have plans to discontinue the product sometime in the summer of 2016, with plans to create their own, offshoot product that is “very similar” in taste to Dr. Pepper.
“After 131 years of quenching Americans thirst, Dr. Pepper will halt production in the Summer of 2016,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Mark Carson. “Though sales have always remained consistent, the 7-Up company can no longer compete with other soda producers using cheaper ingredients, such as ours. Rights to the recipe have been sold to us at Coca-Cola, and we have plans to stop producing the beverage later this year. Following shortly, a new Coca-Cola-branded version of a Dr. Pepper substitute will come out.”
Representatives for Dr. Pepper released a statement saying they were “extremely depressed” by the sale of the beverage recipe, but that they had “no choice” with the offer Coke made. They will continue to market and distribute their other flagship soda, 7-Up.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.
“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”
Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.
“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”
The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
SmartWater, everyone’s favorite overpriced bottled beverage, say that they now have plans to mine into the melting antarctic ice caps so that they can get water that is more fresh, and always ice cold.
“The ice caps in Antarctica are melting, thanks mostly to global warming,” says Glacéau CEO June Hastings. “Because of this, we are able to get up there, and get some of the coldest, most refreshing water on the face of the planet, and it will become our next level of SmartWater brands.”
The company says that they are “overjoyed” with the effects of global warming, because it has led them to be able to get this water that would otherwise be unattainable.
“Currently, you’re paying $2 or $3 a bottle for our product, and it’s basically filtered tap water,” said Hastings. “With this new colder water, which is more expensive to mine, expect for that price to rise substantially, but for it to be totally worth it.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.
“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”
Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.
DELUTH, Iowa –
Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.
Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”
Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”
Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
A recent study by a team of medical professionals hired by the Coca-Cola company reportedly proves that drinking the soda in large amounts can effectively cure diabetes in people who suffer from the disease.
“The way that Coca-Cola is made, we found that is has extremely high levels of sugar, and normally that would be bad,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the lead researchers hired by the company. “But, what happens when you drink extreme amounts of Coca-Cola is that your body almost ‘forgets’ that it is drinking sugar. If you drink nothing but Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola products, eventually your body gets used to it, and believes, essentially, that you are drinking water.”
Brown says they studied 500 people with diabetes, and put them on a strict diet of nothing but Coca-Cola.
“I have been drinking nothing but Coke for over a year now,” said test subject Jamal Jenkins. “I feel mostly okay. I don’t move to good, since they removed my feet awhile back, but otherwise, I’m pretty decent. I’m also stoked that I have a lifetime supply of Coke thanks to being a part of this project. I do love me some soda. Can’t beat the real thing.”
Brown states that of the 500 people who had diabetes at the start of the research program, 132 of them had since died, and the rest still had diabetes.
“We’re counting those deaths in the ‘win’ column,” said Brown. “Those people definitely don’t have diabetes anymore.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Companies such as Oreo, Coca-Cola, Burger King, and even Marlboro cigarettes have begun offering hefty paychecks to people who are willing to use their own body as walking billboards – and people are lining up to get the job.
“I was struggling to make ends meet, but Oreo pays me damn good money to wear their logo on my head,” said Shaniqua Sh’niqua, 36. “Only downside is how damn hungry I get all the time now. Wish I could just open my own skull and pull out some Oreos, but it just can’t happen!”
A spokesman for Coca-Cola, who also has been paying people to brand themselves, says that they like the combination of people showing brand-loyalty, as well as the advertising.
“In this day and age, we pay YouTube ‘celebrities’ to talk about our product, and they get the word out. This is another step to talk about our product,” said Coca-Cola spokesman George Glass. “If you see someone on the street with their hear dyed red and the Coke logo painted in, you’re going to ask them about it. And we paid them a good amount to do that to themselves. We’ll pay even more if you tattoo our logo on your body. We’ll pay extreme amounts if you’ll tattoo your face.”
Many companies have said they’ve seen a spike in sales after they began paying people to advertise for them, and several giant corporations say they’re “watching the trend” closely.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Coca-Cola officials have announced plans to release a new line of clear colas, dubbed Diamond Coke, after a craze in Europe has caused Pepsi to plan a relaunch of their Crystal Pepsi soda from the 80s.
“In the 80s, our largest competitor launched a clear cola, and frankly, it tasted like straight shit,” said Coke spokesman Charles DeMar. “We have created a perfect formula to launch Diamond Coke to the market with the exact same taste of regular Coca-Cola, but without all that black, brownish color. I can assure everyone that it tastes amazing.”
“Clearly naming their product Diamond Coke was a middle finger to Pepsi, and their ‘Crystal’ branding back in the day,” said frequent soda drinker Marvin Henry. “Frankly, I’m a Coke man through-and-through, so I will be buying plenty of Diamond as soon as it’s released. Diamonds are a guys best friend, now!”
Coca-Cola says that they plan to release their new Diamond sodas later this year. The soda will be available in original, cherry, and diet varieties.
In similar news, Coke says they are also looking to launch a dark version of their clear Sprite brand.
“We hope that Sprite Black takes off for us – all the great lemon-lime flavor of Sprite, but without all the pesky clearness!” said DeMar.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Shocking news emerging from the refreshment industry. Coca Cola has revealed that Pepsi is their own “reinvention,” brought from obscurity in order to make their product look better in comparison. According to Coca Cola Company CEO, Muhtar Kent, the venture was meant to be a short-lived marketing ploy, but surprised executives and investors alike when it gained popularity among portions of the population.
“We created a cheap imitation of our most popular product and used the existing PepsiCo which we had bought as its vehicle,” Kent told a press conference. “It was specifically designed to be palatable, but not nearly as tasty – the sort of drink you only buy because it’s cheaper. But we kept prices relatively equal and, although it succeeded at creating further brand loyalty among our customers, Pepsi gathered its own following. So we kept and expanded it.”
The revelation was made after rumors began circling that Coca Cola was unfairly treating Pepsi, and had stolen recipes along with some of their best inventors. The rumors were false, but had cast a shadow over the integrity of the company. They felt they needed to put them to rest, and end decades long speculation of Coca Cola being the industry bully.
“It’s unfortunate that the facade had to end, because a lot of people rely on both Coca Cola and Pepsi to fulfil that need for beverage preference competition,” Kent continued. “But investors were worried that the inferior product might become more popular by virtue of the bad reputation we were getting, and we didn’t want to be second best to what amounts to liquidized crap.”
Analyst Robbie Martin says that, although the secret is out, brand loyalty will still remain.
“People need to fight about everything. Why compete over soda anyway? It’s not like you made it. So people will still defend the Pepsi brand, even though Coca Cola makes it taste like piss.”