Dunking Donuts and Starbucks Plan Company Merger

dunkinbucks

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Starbucks may be on every single street corner in the country, but America runs on Dunkin. The two companies announced today that a merger, which is estimated to be worth somewhere in the nature of $2 billion, would be taking place over the remaining part of the year.

“It is with great joy that we announce that two of the biggest coffee chains in the country come together under one banner,” said the companies in a joint statement. “We are proud to announce that Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks will finally become one family, hereby now known as DunkinBucks.”

The companies say that the combo stores will begin opening sometime in late August, and that you will be able to get both coffees at each location, as well as the same pastries and doughnuts currently sold by each store.

“We didn’t want to take anything away from either brand, we just wanted to focus on a future,” finished the statement, published in The New York Times and Boston Globe, among other papers throughout the country. “This is the future of coffee.”

Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

starbucks

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

Man Who Breaks ‘Pay It Forward’ Chain At Starbucks Immediately Killed In Auto Wreck

car crash

TOLEDO, Ohio – 

Jacob Brunner, 36, of Toledo, was killed in an automobile accident immediately after pulling out of a Starbucks location in his hometown. Although tragic, the news would not normally go viral nationally, except that in this case, Brunner was the person who broke the “pay it forward” chain at the drive-thru window.

“We had 117 cars come through, and every single one of them ‘paid it forward’ by purchasing the coffee for the car behind them,” said Starbucks manager Kris Froth. “The first car of the day came through, paid for their coffee, and then paid for the person behind them as well, just as a kind gesture. When we informed that second car what happened, they offered to pay for the car behind them, and so on, all day. It went on for 8 hours like that, actually. Then Mr. Brunner came along.”

Froth says that when his employee, Jane Moyer, 19, told him that the person in front of him had paid for his coffee, and asked if he wanted to “pay it forward” by purchasing coffee for the next car, Brunner laughed.

“‘Fuck no, that’s retarded’ is what Mr. Brunner said when I told him about paying it forward,” said Moyer. “He said it was dumb, and it wasn’t paying forward anything, it was just paying a ‘little more or a little less’ for your own coffee, based upon the order of the person behind you, and that’s not how paying it forward worked. He took his free coffee and drove off. Then we heard the crash.”

According to police reports, Brunner pulled out of the Starbucks, located on North Rd., and when trying to cross into the turning lane, was struck by a semi-truck. He was killed instantly and reported deceased by a coroner at the scene.

“I guess it just goes to show you that you can never, ever break the chain,” said Froth. “Also, our Starbucks location has a sale on Grande coffees this week. Only $1.99, no coupon needed.”

Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire

charlie

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of  outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe,  a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

SEATTLE, Washington – Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

If you notice an extra pep in the smile or step of your local Starbucks cashier this holiday season, now you’ll know why. The CEO has announced today that he will be splitting his stupidly ridiculous $8 million dollar Christmas bonus up between all the minimum wage employees currently working for the major coffee chain.

CEO Howard Schultz has said that he has decided to give away his bonus to keep morale up during a hectic holiday season, and to help continue the good feeling customers get when coming into Starbucks.

“I want my employees happy. Happy employees equal happy customers,” said Schultz. “I’d love to keep the money myself, I’m only human, but that would be greedy. I don’t need the money, I make almost $30 million dollars a year, which amounts to over $14,000 an hour. These people are making less than $9 an hour. We where in a meeting, thinking of different ways to reward our employees for their hard work, and the little pay they make, when someone tossed me this idea. I laughed at first, but then I gave it some thought.”

Schultz said that after figuring his personal budget, and whether or not he could live without the extra $8 million on top of his regular salary, he decided that he would divide his bonus equally among all his employees.

“What the hell, you only live once or twice, give-or-take,” said Schultz. “This extra money will mean more to my employees than it can to me. Hell, I wasn’t going to spend $8 million on Christmas presents, anyway. I certainly don’t want to be one of the highest paid CEOs in the country, and be thought of as some sort of Christmas Scrooge. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I want to thank them all for being Starbucks baristas.”

The bonus, which when divided equally among all the employees will be around $50, and will be issued to employees in the  form of a Starbucks branded pre-paid Visa.

 

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”

 

Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California – Blake Griffin Smacks Justin Bieber At Hollywood Starbucks

Justin Bieber simply can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble.

Police were dispatched this morning to respond to an altercation at a Starbucks in West Hollywood involving some familiar faces. According to police reports, a barista at the coffee-house was apparently confronted by Bieber when he refused to serve the pop star because Bieber wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“He came in with no shirt on, and his pants hanging down and underwear showing. He tried to order a caramel apple macchiato,” said Joey Goldsmith, the Starbucks barista. “I know that it’s Hollywood, and we get some crazy looking folks in here. Celebrities, too. They all wear shirts, though. I simply informed Bieber that our store policy stated he would have to put a shirt on if he wanted to order. Everyone else in the place had a shirt on. Why the hell doesn’t Bieber ever have a shirt on, anyway?”

Customers in the coffee-house say that Bieber snapped, and according to the police report, started swearing at and threatening Goldsmith, saying that he would get his bodyguard to ‘kick [Goldsmith’s] ass’ and to just ‘give [me] a f—— macchiato.”

Fortunately for Goldsmith, LA Clippers star Blake Griffin, who had been enjoying a drink at a nearby table and was witness to the altercation, decided to step in.

Patrons and employees at the scene reported that Griffin tried to calm Bieber down by simply talking to him, but that he wasn’t listening, apparently not even aware of who Griffin was, and mistakenly thinking he was fully protected by his bodyguards and friends. There was more yelling, and Bieber ended up pushing Griffin, telling him to ‘back off.’ Many people in the Starbucks commented, barely able to stifle their laughter, that after Bieber started shoving Griffin is when he smacked Bieber in the face, knocking him to the floor.

“He smacked the s— out of him, and Bieber went down like a sack of moldy tangerines,” said one witness. “Before anyone could think to whip out their cell phones and film it for YouTube, Justin’s entourage scooped him up and helped him stumble out of the door. I think he was crying. They threw a sweatshirt or something on him and literally stuffed him into the back of a car. It was kind of sad and pathetic, just like his music.”

Bieber was gone before police arrived at the scene, and no charges were brought against Griffin. His Starbucks coffee was on the house.

Dunkin’ Donuts To Debut New Fashion Line; Free Pants With Donut Purchase

CANTON, Massachusetts – Dunkin' Donuts To Debut New Fashion Line; Free Pants With Donut Purchase

The beloved treat that ‘America Runs On’ is going to be sharing face time with a new product. On Friday, Dunkin Donuts announced they will be starting a new fashion department, to debut with a pair of ‘revolutionary’ pants. The new pants will be given away with every dozen donuts purchased starting next week.

According to Dunkin’ Donuts, the pants are incredibly unique in that they are not only comfortable, but they expand with the owner. Using old NASA technology the pants will stretch without tearing or fraying. The slogan for the pants, “We Dare You To Grow Out Of ‘Em” was thought up by the chief marketing officer Paul Reynish. The CEO of Dunkin brands and Chairman, Nigel Travis, also chimed in saying, “It only felt right after we had so many customers complain about gaining weight on our delicious pastries. We had a lot of complaints about product going straight to customers hips, well here’s a new product that’s supposed to.”

The pants have been put through rigorous tests for strength, elasticity, and customer comfort. One of the tests was for waist elasticity, where the pants were loaded with trash bags full of donut holes until they could not hold anymore. This test was to show that it is not possible for the owner of the pants to outgrow them, no matter their weight or unusual shape.

“Another test was for customer comfort. Several randomly selected Dunkin’ Donuts frequent costumers were given the pants and asked to walk a mile. Although none of those chosen could finish the mile, the one setback of the pants was discovered,” said Travis. “Due to the material, and the closeness of the customer’s thighs, a few small crotch fires broke out from friction. No one was hurt, and this unfortunate inconvenience has been worked out. A second drawback of the pants is that in order to stretch properly, they cannot have pockets but instead have built in fanny packs where pockets should be. Designers all added donut holsters on each hip.”

These pants will come in jeans, slacks, velvet suit pants, corduroys, and even overalls. The company expects these additions to boost sales dramatically. The pants will go on sale the week after the dozen donut giveaway at $9.99 a pair, or a free pair with every order of 3 dozen donuts. The company’s profits are up 36% according to the Wall Street Journal, and they are expected to rise higher with the new sales opportunities.

 

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