Glacéau SmartWater Plans To Mine Antarctic Ice Caps For Fresh, Colder Water

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

SmartWater, everyone’s favorite overpriced bottled beverage, say that they now have plans to mine into the melting antarctic ice caps so that they can get water that is more fresh, and always ice cold.

“The ice caps in Antarctica are melting, thanks mostly to global warming,” says Glacéau CEO June Hastings. “Because of this, we are able to get up there, and get some of the coldest, most refreshing water on the face of the planet, and it will become our next level of SmartWater brands.”

The company says that they are “overjoyed” with the effects of global warming, because it has led them to be able to get this water that would otherwise be unattainable.

“Currently, you’re paying $2 or $3 a bottle for our product, and it’s basically filtered tap water,” said Hastings. “With this new colder water, which is more expensive to mine, expect for that price to rise substantially, but for it to be totally worth it.”

 

Man Sues Sonic Restaurants After Spilling Frozen Drink On Crotch

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CARSON CITY, Kansas – 

Mark Jameson, 38, says that he is suing Sonic Drive-In Restaurants after they gave him a frozen drink with a lid that was not attached properly, causing him to spill the frigid beverage all over his crotch.

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“I got shrinkage like you wouldn’t imagine, because the drink was so cold,” said Jameson, a computer technician. “Not only was my junk frostbitten, but I couldn’t get an erection for several days. My girlfriend was extremely dissatisfied.”

Jameson says that he has been frequenting Sonic restaurants for years, and that even though they have always had sub-par food, their drinks are okay.

“This one time I go through, and it ruins my week,” said Jameson. “Clearly there’s some compensation that needs to happen, here. My lawyer says I have a hell of a case.”

Weathermen Predict Heavy Snowfall In Summer After Mildest Winter On Record

Meteorologists Predict Record Shattering Snowfalls Coming Soon; Bread & Milk Prices Expected To Soar

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – 

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”

 

Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull

redbull

AKRON, Ohio – 

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

Toddler Hospitalized With 2nd Degree Burns From Radiant Heat Flooring

RIVERSIDE, Connecticut – Toddler Hospitalized With 2nd Degree Burns From Radiant Heat Flooring

2-year-old Todd Calais has been admitted to Washington Valley Medical Center due to burns found on his legs and arms apparently caused by radiant heat flooring. The popular, and fairly inexpensive, home-heating system is commonly used in New England homes to keep people’s feet warm on cold winter mornings. With a temperature gauge that only reaches 90° it is baffling doctors that this was even possible.

Sgt. Carl Roderickson of the Riverside Police Department says a call came in around 6:13 PM on Sunday evening, when the mother of the 2-year-old, Elizabeth Calais, reported he had been badly burned by a portion of their floor. To the surprise of EMS officials, the young boy was attached to the floor when they arrived, his skin melting directly to the floor almost as though an epoxy was used to glue him down. Calais said she had been applying cool water and ice to ease the pain, however it took multiple people to move the boy into the ambulance.

“We ended up just cutting up a chunk of the flooring, and carrying both Todd and the floor that he was stuck to right out to the ambulance,” said paramedic Joe Goldsmith. “It was really abnormal, but thankfully out here you’re never too far from someone with a power-saw and a hankering to use it.”

Local police are investigating the incident, and have assure the media that Todd’s safety is top priority. Connecticut DHHS workers have been involved assessing the child’s condition, and so far have found no wrong-doing on the part of the parents.

“It’s the craziest thing. I didn’t know that something like this could happen, but it’s definitely something that I never want to have to deal with again,” said Goldsmith. “I have no idea how they got that floor so hot, but I tell ya, when I was in there, the rubber on the bottom of my shoes started melting if I stood in one spot too long.”

“Yeah, I guess we kind of overdid it with the whole floor heating thing,” said Calais. “My ex-husband, before he moved out, he tinkered with it a bit. He was a tinkerer, that’s for sure. Caught him tinkering with the neighbor’s wife, which is why he’s now an ex. But yeah, his feet got cold a lot, so he got it so that the floor temperature could be whatever we wanted. I guess I must have bumped the thermostat or something. The police said it was up at over 200° when they took the temperature.”

Todd Calais is reportedly doing fine, and the boards were easily removed from his skin once he arrived at the hospital.

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