Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

PORTLAND, Maine –

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

CANISTEO, New York –

Tim Barker, 55 was found crushed to death, in what was the living room of his two-story home. Two tons of wrestling memorabilia, ceramic kittens, cans of green beans, National Geographic magazines, bags of human feces, and other pieces of garbage were removed in attempt to rescue the man, who they believed to be trapped inside. More than 48 hours after neighbor’s reported the collapse, Barker’s body was found on his couch.

The coroner’s report says Barker was likely killed instantly, when the debris initially struck him.

Local housing code enforces says they did not know the structure had such extensive damage, it would’ve been condemned.

“Two years ago we received complaints about junk in the yard which Mr. Barker’s family promptly cleaned up. The first floor of the house was uncluttered, so there appeared to be no need for further inspection…

“We believe this year’s record snowfalls may have contributed to the collapse, stressing the structure past its capacity. There was so much junk up there, it’s a wonder this didn’t happen sooner.”

Local Jillian Beaudoin says, “This is a small town and nothing much ever happens. If anything we’re for that ‘living sign,’ but some trees planted to say Canisteo doesn’t attract many tourists.

“Now people are actually coming out here to take selfies in front of the house that caved in. It’s messed up how morbid people can be.”