BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

OJ

LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

Stephen King Says That His Next Book Will Be A Romantic Comedy

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Published Exclusively On Live Horses

BANGOR, Maine – 

Stephen King is one of the best-selling writers of all time, with every single one of his 57 novels becoming #1 New York Times best sellers. The author has said, though, that his next book will be a huge change from his normal dark, scary, and personal stories. His next novel will be a romantic comedy.

“I’ve been writing horror and drama for so long, that I really feel like I need to change things up,” said King from his home in Bangor, Maine. “I’ve been the master of the macabre for as long as I can remember, and I think with my next outing, I want to become the King of the Kissing, or something.”

King, who is best known for his horror stories including It, Misery, and Pet Sematary, says that some of his all-time favorite movies are romance or comedies, and that trying his hand at writing a “different” kind of novel will hopefully stretch his imagination to places it hasn’t gone before.

“I love all types of media, and I love all kinds of genres,” said King. “Comedies, romance, horror, sci-fi, action – I read them all, I go to see movies of all of them, and I watch TV shows in every genre. The one thing I’ve never done is try to take my love of multiple genres and really release something I can honestly say is not personal piece. This next book will be that piece.”

Betty White To Star In ‘Golden Girls’ Reboot on CBS

betty

MIAMI, Florida –

Everyone’s favorite TV queen, Betty White, has reportedly signed on to star in a reboot of the classic 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, which ran for 7 seasons and also originally starred Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan.

“I am so extremely excited to go back to work on what I think was my crowning achievement as an actress,” said White. “I only wish that the other girls could be here to take part. They tell me that the scripts are coming along, and that they’re going to be so dark and gritty. It’s going to be a fun change!”

The reboot is still being cast, but will reportedly will take place in the same home in Miami, with White reprising her role as Rose.

“Rose was one of the most loveable characters on TV, and Golden is one of of, if not the best, written sitcoms in television history,” said CBS executive Merle Rogers. “We are extremely excited to work with Betty again, and to begin a whole new series of ‘being a friend.'”

No air date or shoot schedule has been set for the series, but Rogers did say that it’s not “entirely out of the question” to make the show grittier and more updated.

“People like their shows dark now. Back in the day, we had, for example, the comedic Batman TV series. Now we have The Dark Knight. It’s the same with TV,” said Rogers. “It’s all Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Moody, dark shows. That’s what people want, so that’s what we’ll give them with this Golden Girls reboot.”

Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire

charlie

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of  outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe,  a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

For the last 40 years, Saturday Night Live has aired their sketch comedy show on late night television, and of course, it has always been aired on Saturday nights. Now, some big changes are underway in hopes of reenergizing a brand that has exposed the world to some of the best comedians of all time.

“Basically, we need to shake things up,” said SNL executive Lorne Michaels. “We’ve been on for 40 years, the same night, same time, doing the same kinds of things. We need to stay competitive in TV, and this is a change that has been long overdue.”

According to NBC, the network that airs the show, and Michaels, SNL will move from its current time slot to one that NBC feels will help boost ratings, choosing to air the show Wednesday nights at 7pm.

“Right now, there is nothing good to watch on TV Wednesday nights at 7pm, and we hope to change that,” said NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt. “Moving SNL to Wednesday is a huge change, but one that both Lorne and the network really feel will breathe a new life into the stagnant show.”

Saturday Night Live will reportedly retain its name, although aside from the Saturday part changing, the Live part will reportedly be changing as well.

“Yeah, we’re going to tape it on Monday afternoons now,” said Michaels. “To be honest, no one will notice anyway. It will allow us to get better performances from our cast and guests, as well as allow us to hone the bits a little more. They tend to fall flat most of the time right now, and we can change that for sure. The pre-taped segments, like Dick In A Box or Lazy Sunday by The Lonely Island were always the more popular ones, anyway. Now, the whole show can be a YouTube sensation!”

The show will take up its new time slot starting next season.

Will Ferrell Apologizes For Making So Many Unwatchable Movies

Will Ferrell Apologizes For Making So Many Unwatchable Movies

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Comedian Will Ferrell, best known for making completely horrendous comedies that, somehow, do ridiculous box office numbers, recently apologized publicly for his string of just straight unwatchable films.

“I know that I’ve yet to make a really great, unforgettable movie, and I’m sorry for that,” said Ferrell to the Hollywood Outsider Magazine. “It’s hard pretending to be funny all the time. I constantly have to surround myself with great comedy writers and an amazing supporting cast. I want people to leave one of my worthless movies and think it was hilarious. I’m trying, but I know I’m failing hard. I wish I could do more, but so far, it’s just been mediocre luck.”

Ferrell’s most recent movie, Get Hard, co-starring comedian Kevin Hart, has been ripped apart by critics for being racist, homophobic, and worst of all, totally unfunny.

“It’s hard to make a really great movie when you’re just showing up and obviously phoning it in,” said film reviewer Mark Lipson of FilmOnFire.gov. “Ferrell says he tries so hard for the laughs, but you wouldn’t know it watching him, as every movie he just plays dumb schlock after dumb schlock, and you feel no pity for him whatsoever. I was hoping he’d end up in prison during Get Hard, so at least the movie might just end.”

Ferrell says that he plans to try and make more “good” movies, with actual acting and stories, which he says he’s come close to doing previously with movies like Everything Must Go and Stranger Than Fiction. 

“I made a couple black comedies, dramas,” said Ferrell. “They were box office bombs, but at least I could stretch my acting legs a bit, and show off that I could do more than play an unlikeable moron. I hope to do more good movies down the road.”

Ferrell says that he also plans to be nicer to fans, and perhaps become more friendly when they approach him for pictures or signatures. According to Autograph Magazine, which ranks celebrities on their level of approachability for fans and autograph seekers, Ferrell consistently ranks on their “worst” list, despite being someone that most fans seem to think would be nice because of his doltish roles.

He mocks people, taunts and embarrasses them when they ask for autographs,” says Autograph Magazine. 

“Yeah, I guess I should try and care about fans a bit more, too,” said Ferrell. “After all, they’re the ones who for some reason keep paying money to see my movies. They’re the ones who’ve afforded me a nice house and a driveway full of Prisuses. I am sorry for not living up to the fans’ expectations on any level.”

 

Netflix CEO Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

Netflix Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

LOS GATOS, California –

Netflix co-founder and CEO Rod Houston announced today that the on-demand streaming media giant has developed a new way of offering cable services to millions of Americans, which includes HBO, Showtime, The Movie Channel, all sports networks, including NFL Sunday Ticket and NBA Season Pass, among others for the unbelievably low price of $16.99 a month.

“Basically, we will have guys running around hooking up cable illegally, from house to house, and we’ll be the middle-man for content. But, I mean, if everyone is happy, is it a crime?” Houston said. “Aren’t you tired of switching back and forth between cable providers? Burnt out on the selections provided through Netflix streaming? Of course you are. Our selection is mediocre at best. Do you need more? Of course you do! I am pleased to announce that we have started our venture of becoming the only cable provider in the country, giving us control over everything! Well, that’s the idea anyway, not sure how we are going to do it, but it is a good idea.”

The confused reporters sitting in on the announcement apparently assumed the CEO had lost his mind, before he went on to explain why he’d really brought them all there, as the witty and clever Netflix lead-man went on to admit that he was joking about the whole thing.

“Ha! I got you guys again! I called this press conference strictly for the purpose of reminding each and everyone of you that the complete Friends series is now on Netflix, and what else do you need in your life but those goofy, nerdy, kinda-funny-but-the-show-was-pretty-much-shit Friends cast?!” Houston rambled. “Also, don’t worry, we are working diligently to close a deal to bring in the Muppet Show. It is a glorious time to be a Netflix subscriber!”

Irked reporters and spectators immediately cancelled their Netflix subscriptions, and switched to Hulu.

Disney To Release R-Rated ‘Muppets Gone Wild’ Film Geared Strictly Toward Adults

Disney To Release R-Rated Film 'Muppets Gone Wild' Geared Strictly Toward Adults

 

BURBANK, California –

Chairman and CEO of the world-famous Walt Disney Company Bob Iger announced earlier today that the franchise will go forward with plans to release an “Adults Only” film, portraying the famous Muppet characters, sometime in late 2015.

The R-Rated film, titled Muppets Gone Wild, will show the fun, loving characters in wildly awkward adult situations, according to Iger. “Over the past fifteen years or so, more and more adults, now primarily ranging from ages thirty to forty-five years old, have shown their love and appreciation and vivid youthful memories of the days of the Muppet Show. With that in the back of our collective and pioneering minds here at Disney, we decided to go forward with a wild idea that has never been done before. Create a film using the famous Muppet characters for adult eyes and ears only,” Iger explained.

The Walt Disney Company purchased The Muppets intellectual properties from Jim Henson Productions on February 17, 2004, which consisted of all rights and branded trademarks of The Muppet Show.

Iger said that some of the adult situations featured in the one-of-a-kind film would deal with casual sex, drug use, addiction, homosexuality, and a vast array of infidelity between lovers.

“This is a very special project for us, and we want to tackle the issues of the children who are now grown up and still having difficulties with the cards dealt to them in life. For instance, it will be revealed in the film that Bert and Ernie are indeed a homosexual couple, and Kermit the Frog, a womanizing, drug-addled sex fiend,” Iger shockingly announced.

The film is scheduled to be released in the fall of 2015.

 

 

 

 

Manager Says Comedian Bill Cosby, 77, Has ‘Committed Suicide’

DETROIT, Michigan – Manager Says Comedian Bill Cosby Has 'Committed Suicide'

Acclaimed stand-up comedian and 80s TV star and actor Bill Cosby, 77, best know for his role as Cliff Huxtable on The Cosby Show, has reportedly ended his career in show business, after making what the media is calling ‘outrageous’ and ‘crude’ comments about his rape allegations.

After several women had come forward claiming that Cosby had sexually harassed or assaulted them, the once-loved comedian and 80s TV star had his life turned upside down. A new, planned TV series was cancelled, a Netflix stand-up special was postponed indefinitely, and even Nickelodeon pulled old episodes of The Cosby Show from its Nick At Night lineup.

Cosby has been heckled several times during his tour. In one performance, a man stood and shouted out to Cosby, “You’re a rapist!” before being removed from the theatre by security. During another performance in Hamilton, Ontario, several members of the audience stood in unison and chanted “We believe the women!”

The final straw reportedly came when, just a few nights ago during a performance, a tired-looking Cosby made a sly reference to a woman in the audience – who had stood up to get a drink during the show – by saying that women will have to ‘be careful’ if they’re drinking anything near him. The crowd reacted with oohs and ahhs, taken aback by the coarseness of the joke.

“I can’t believe he’d make light of raping women like that,” said Jamaica Brown, an audience member. “That’s just disgusting. I don’t know why I even wanted to see him anyway. He ain’t that funny without a Puddin’ Pop in his mouth.”

“I thought it was pretty funny, actually,” said Jim Duggins, who was at the theater to see the performance with his wife of 4 months, Melissa. “Oh, actually, my wife tells me that I was offended by the joke. Sorry, I guess I am upset by it. My wife says rape is never funny, so I’m mad now.”

Initially Cosby’s manager said that the comedian was just ‘overly tired,’ and that he didn’t mean what he said on stage, but then made an official statement this morning, claiming that there was no way that Cosby was ever going to recover from his actions as of late, and that the public would just continue to hate him.

“He didn’t quit the business, per se, but I’m pretty sure his career is just dead in the water after all this,” said Cosby’s manager. “He’s making jokes, on stage, about his rape allegations now. That’s the kind of thing that will kill you. He’s truly committed suicide at this point. Yes, everyone’s favorite sweater wearing TV dad has definitely committed career suicide.”

Jared Leto Says Justin Bieber Won’t Stop Sending Him Dirty Texts, Snapchat Pictures

LOS ANGELES, California – Jared Leto Says Justin Bieber Won't Stop Sending Him Dirty Snapchat Pictures

While being interviewed by WKYL-FM Los Angeles radio talk show host Jenny McIntyre, actor and musician Jared Leto made a shocking statement when asked about obsessed fans. “Justin Bieber is my most obsessed fan, by far. Of all the guys who look up to me and the girls that are into me, Bieber is the worst. That dude will not leave me alone,” Leto said during the interview.

McIntyre laughed, assuming that Leto was just joking, but Leto said he was very serious, and has been trying for months to get Bieber to stop texting him.

“No, I am as serious as a heart attack. We met literally one time, and I gave him my number and was like ‘hey, we should hang out, get some drinks sometime.’ I guess he took it the wrong way,” Leto said. “So ever since then, he calls me at least three or four times a day. I don’t answer, so he texts. There have been a few days where he’s sent me over 200 texts or pictures.”

The star, known for films such as Requiem For a Dream and The Dallas Buyers Club (which earned him his first Oscar), is also the frontman for alternative rock outfit 30 Seconds To Mars. He said that he was just trying to be polite when he met Bieber at a concert last year, and didn’t think the pop singer would even contact him.

“When he did text me the first time, I really was going to hang out with him,” said Leto. “It was just that our schedules didn’t line up, and I told him we would get it together eventually. I think he took that completely the wrong way, though. He started sending me pictures through snapchat. I’m a very progressive guy, but there are some things I really don’t want to see; If I wanted to check out Justin’s little Bieber, I’d Google it just like any normal teenage girl or sexually frustrated housewife.”

Bieber, who has been hounded by the media ever since Leto’s interview went viral, said that he doesn’t even know who Jared Leto is, but that it’s very possible he’s sent him nude pics, because he “sends them to everyone.”

 

 

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