Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series


Lindsay Lohan's Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

After only a short time following the Super Bowl ad staring Lindsey Lohan, Esurance released a statement saying their sales are through the roof. The company noted that there have never been more customers claiming to be brought in by a single commercial as much as that of the one the company aired featuring Lohan.

“I don’t really know what to make of it,” said Head of Marketing, Jonathan Freidder. “The commercial was created in about a day. It is not like we had a plan of making an inspirational tale or something. It was a goof on her celebrity personality.”

Apparently, the joke is on Esurance, as hundreds of thousands of individuals have claimed to be so moved by Lohan’s performance that they canceled other insurance plans to switch over. Some even claimed to have taken on hefty penalties just to move over to Esurance.

“Cost me $835 to drop Geico and switch to Esurance,” said auto owner Ricky Tedesco. “Totally worth it. Lohan was awesome in the Super Bowl ad. I mean, honestly, she’s pretty awesome in everything. You ever seen Herbie Fully Loaded? Oh man, so hot.”

“At first I thought it was a joke. But apparently people really fell in love with the character,” said Freidder. “I wish I could point to what made it so successful, but quite frankly I’m miffed. We got Lindsay because she needed community service time served, and our commercial falls under some technical loophole. That was as far as we looked into it. I mean, you get Lohan for pennies on the dollar, and you bang out a commercial in a couple hours.”

Regardless of the intent, it is clear America has once again fallen in love with the former child star. There are already talks of a TV series based on the character she played in the commercial, ‘Sorta Mom,’ as well as an animated series, reportedly being courted by Cartoon Network. Reps have stated that Lohan’s voice “…carries the kind of melodic quality that is so very hard to find.”

Christian Groups Outraged By New ‘Star Wars’ Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Release

HOLLYWOOD, California – Christian Groups Outraged By New 'Star Wars' Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Film's Release

Christian groups and religious families have been publicly shunning the new Star Wars movie, and it doesn’t even hit theatres for over a year. Many devout, religious people are complaining that a single, quick image from the trailer is proof that the movie’s director, J.J. Abrams, as well franchise owners Disney, are out to promote the worship of Satan.

“It’s disgusting, truly an outrage,” said Peggy Lewis, a member of the group Christians Against Everything. “Did you see the filth they’re portraying in that commercial? It’s bad enough that they’re enticing kids with ‘the dark side’ and violence, but one of the characters in the movie is carrying an inverted cross as a weapon. And it’s a fiery red! The movie promotes Hell and Satan!”

In the film’s trailer, a Sith is seen carrying a lightsaber, the popular weapon of choice for the Jedi characters as well as their rivals, with “spokes” that come out of either side of the handle.

“I mean come on,” said Richard Sweat, co-founder of the religious group Christians United, Never Torn, an extremely religious group of parents who help to promote Jesus and the gospel through family film and music. “It’s clearly Satanic imagery. As it is, lightsabers were always extremely phallic, and as we all know anything long and phallic is automatically gay. Now the lightsabers are gay and anti-God! There will be a massive boycott of this film from every good Christian in American when it comes out.”

“I have no idea what the big deal is,” said Abrams, director of blockbuster films such as Star Trek and Super 8. “Disney isn’t really known for being anti-Christian, and there’s no way that they’d allow that sort of imagery into the movie. Perhaps people should wait and see [the movie] before they make judgements on whether it’s good, bad, Satanic, gay, or whatever. Yes, we’ve got new characters, and yes they have new weapons. Yes, we’ve got a black storm trooper. My God, everyone – it was a teaser trailer. Just wait and see what happens!”

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens is scheduled for release in December, 2015.

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