GEICO Gecko Killed After Being Run Over By Car Insured By Farmers

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

The famous GEICO Gecko, which most people assumed was a CGI character, was killed yesterday after being run over in a film studio parking lot, ironically by a car insured by Farmer’s Insurance.

The gecko, which has been the spokesperson for the company for several years, was actually a combination of CGI and a real animal, according to GEICO. They would use a real gecko, film it, and add CGI and a voiceover to make it appear as if he was talking. Whereas many productions use several animals to get the shots they need, GEICO says they were able to use just one gecko, whose name was Alfred.

“Alfred is a longtime friend of the company, and he worked very hard to save people money in only 15 minutes time,” said GEICO chairman Joel Iger. “His death is a sad day for us at GEICO, and for the entire world who loved him.”

Iger says that a new animal trainer that they had hired to work with Alfred had “lost track” of the animal, and he was later found outside, run over by a Jaguar.

“I never even saw him, I swear to God!” said Richard Hall, who was driving the vehicle. “I never thought I would kill a beloved icon today, and my heart is shattered. I loved his commercials. On the plus side, it could have been worse. I mean, I have Farmers. I could have hit and killed JK Simmons, you know?”

McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman

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RICHARDSON, Texas – 

McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

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“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

Hemorrhoid Cream Manufacturer Courts A-Rod For New Commercial Spot

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Hemorrhoid Cream Manufacturer Courts A-Rod For New Commercial Spot

Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez for a line of new commercials they plan to air in time for the new year.

A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Rodriguez for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.

“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Rodriguez’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”

Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain in the ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, or at least have, those pains.

“We knew that A-Rod was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself.  Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”

So far, representatives for Rodriguez have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.

Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Rodriguez would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”

Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco,  and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.

A-Rod, who was suspended for a total of 162 games after his part in a steroid scandal, has been kept off the field for the entire 2014 season, but Yankees officials have made it clear he will return to play in 2015.

 

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap.  It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!  I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product.  Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case.  He recognized them from the commercial.  He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout.  Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped!  I was embarrassed.  I went through the express line just as fast as I could.  I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama.  In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets.  My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation.  Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents.  “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet.  The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange!  The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth!  And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™  “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up!  We’re positive kids will love them!”

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