Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

sex

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congress has voted unanimously to completely lift the age of sexual consent in all states in the country. Currently, most states have laws that restrict sexual activity to teens aged 16, 17, or 18, depending on the state. Starting June 1st, the laws will be lifted, allowing children of all ages to begin copulating.

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“The problem with the current laws, really, was that sex feels really, really damn good,” said congressman Joel Silver (R-Iowa). “Kids know that, and they’ve been having sex younger and younger over the years. In the early 1900s, girls were getting married and having families at 13. Somewhere along the way, those values were skewed. This helps to get us back on the right track.”

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

“My son is 17, and his girlfriend was 16,” said Silver. “They dated for two years. Both myself and the girl’s parents knew that they were having sex. It was fine, until they broke up. At that point, the girl’s parents immediately cried statutory rape, and my son was arrested and charged. Is that fair? This fixes that.”

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

muslim

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

texting

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

 

‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

droz

LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

New DEA Leader Chuck Rosenberg Says Weed ‘Not As Dangerous As Heroin,’ Other Things That Are Also Stupid And Obvious

DEA

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Recently appointed DEA leader Chuck Rosenberg says that he won’t admit that marijuana isn’t harmful, because for some reason he “thinks it is,” but did go on record as saying that he believes it’s “probably not as dangerous as heroin.”

In his long list of things that Rosenberg presented before congress, he also mentioned that the sky is generally blue, and that bacon is delicious.

“Sex feels absolutely amazing, and a water keeps you hydrated,” said Rosenberg, presumably. “Also, the North Pole is very cold, and the number 10 follows the number 9. Cheese is made of milk, and chickens lay eggs.”

In a recent study conducted on people who smoke marijuana, 100% of the participants said they found it to be “good,” and most admitted that it was “not harmful.” Several of the people researched happened to have medical degrees and backgrounds in the study on the effects of THC on the human body. Everyone questioned seemed to think that Rosenberg may not be qualified to speak about drugs.

“Has he smoked weed? Has he tried any other drugs?” asked habitual pot smoker Bob Smith. “I mean, he can’t really go on record and talk about drugs if he hasn’t tried them, can he? I’ve never tried skydiving, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on it. I’ll start taking advice from Rosenberg on the day he comes and smokes a giant blunt with me. Then he can go before congress and tell them exactly how harmful weed really is…or isn’t.”

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress 'Just To Piss Off Republicans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have  heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.” 

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!” 

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

 

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Obama Calls For 'Prepping' To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorist’

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.” 

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.” 

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.” 

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

 

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