New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

Hydrox To Sue Oreo Over Copyright Infringement, Claims Company Copied Their Cookies

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Hydrox, the cookie company that’s flagship product is the black, chocolate cookie with the white creme center, was invented in 1908, and was originally made by the Sunshine Cookie Company. Almost 5 years later, in 1912, Oreo was invented, and despite ripping off Hydrox completely, the company went on to be the bigger seller, convincing the world that Hydrox was the “generic” or rip-off company.

Papers filed today in the Massachusetts courts prove that Hydrox is finally stepping up to the cookie plate, as it were, as they plan to sure the Oreo Cookie company for copyright infringement and design theft.

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“Hydrox has been making our cookies since the dawn of the 20th century,” said Hydrox spokesman Roy Charles. “Oreo has as well, but we were still first. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but we just needed time to build our case. Now is the time.”

Charles says that Hydrox is prepared to sue Oreo for $4.5 million, which is equivalent to only one year’s grosses of Oreo’s cookie empire.

“They have had over 100 years worth of sales, and every one of those hundred years, we took a beating,” said Charles. “We feel it’s time that Oreo put on their big-boy pants, pour a tall glass of milk, and admit they stole our cookie. The world needs to know that we were first and, frankly, we’re the better cookie.”

Representatives for Oreo could not be reached for comment.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

LOS ANGELES, California – Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child's Cell Phone

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

DURHAM, North Carolina – 38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.

 

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