Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody

Posted on January 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

Family Sells Haunted Doll For $3.7M At Auction

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.

“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”

The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.

“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”

According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.

“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”

Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.

Baby Born With Facial Features Of Elephant Gets Mother Arrested On Beastiality Charges

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A San Diego woman, Julie Clarke, 30, was arrested on possible beastiality charges after her baby, who was born almost 9 weeks premature, was delivered and had facial features of an elephant.

“We are extremely excited and immensely disturbed that this child was born,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the San Diego Medical Center. “Excited because it would be the first case of a sort of ‘natural’ gene combing, forming a new species. We are disturbed because the only way that this baby could have been made was because his mother had sex with an elephant.”

Clarke, who happens to be an employee at the San Diego Zoo, says that she didn’t have sex with an elephant, although she does say that she has no idea who the father of her baby is.

“I was going through a bit of a phase late last year into the beginning of this year,” said Clarke. “I was pretty much screwing anything that moved. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, so it’s what you do, you know? I think I’d remember having sex with an elephant though. Wouldn’t I? I mean seriously? I drank a ton at that point, but…Oh God, did I fuck an elephant and forget about it?”

Doctors are working closely with police investigators to see if Clarke should be charged with beastiality, or if some other sort of genetic malfunction caused the elephant face of the baby.

“One thing is certain, though, regardless of whether Ms. Clarke remembers having sex with an elephant,” said Dr. Brown. “The elephant, wherever he is, definitely remembers. After all, an elephant never forgets.”

30-Year-Old Man With Perpetual Baby Face Is Father To Newborn Son With Creepy, Adult Man Face

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Frankie Clemons, 30, has a rare condition that makes his face appear to be an infant’s. It’s something that he has learned to deal with over the course of his life, answering many questions about it along the way, as he gets stares and gawks while walking down the street.

The stares may begin to double, though, as Clemons’ newborn son, Joey, has the exact opposite problem.

“Joey was born with a similar condition to mine, in that his face is that of a full-grown, adult man,” said Clemons. “My issue is that my face looks like it did when I was a baby, and it never changed. I’m used to it, but I was really hoping that it would not be passed to my son. My wife is a ‘normal,’ so I was really anticipating Joey being normal as well.”

Doctors say they are baffled as to why Frankie and his son both have such a rare, untreatable condition.

“They’ve never been able to figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me, so I assume that they’ll have the same issues with Joey,” said Clemons. “I’ve considered plastic surgery, but honestly, the doctors have told me straight-out they’d have no idea where to begin. I’m happy, though. I’ve got a great wife, and a new son, and we’re doing fine. We’re healthy, it’s just how we look. Frankly, there are lot more ugly looking people out there than us. So I’m a babyface, what’s the big deal?”

Woman Who Was Born With Giant Legs For Body Becomes Nude Model

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MENDOZA, Argentina –

Misty Lendzo, 27, was born with a rare body disorder that left her with a normal-sized head and arms, but her body is entirely a set of legs with extraordinarily large feet.

“I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my body was so ugly,” said Lendzo. “As I got older, though, I embraced my body, and I started to show it off more and more, and I became more confidant.”

In a chance encounter with world famous photographer Carl Xavier, Lendzo was asked to pose for a series of nude photos.

“I’d never done anything like that before, but Carl said I was gorgeous, and he wanted to photograph me and show the world that beauty can mean anything,” said Lendzo. “It took me awhile to decide, but I’m so glad that I did it. My pictures are everywhere now, and I think people find it inspiring. That makes me happy.”

“She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she’s simply enchanting,” said Xavier, 60. “I’ve photographed thousands of girls in my career, and Misty is by-far the most amazing. She’s also the first one I haven’t been able to have sex with, because she has no vagina, but that’s okay. She still has a hell of a mouth.”