TRINIDAD, Cuba –
A ship that has been missing for over 90 years has reportedly docked in a Cuban harbor, the Cuban Coast Guard says.
The SS Cotopaxi, which has been lost at sea and all on board listed as deceased, made its miraculous return after going missing in 1925, one of the first ships that helped launch the legend of the Bermuda Triangle.
“We have no idea how or why the ship vanished, and we are even more confused at how it turned up today,” said Coast Guard chief Manuel Ferrara. “Even more bizarre is that everyone on board was alive, well, and hadn’t aged a bit. It’s a marvel of the seas, as it were. We’re just beginning to put this puzzle together.”
So far, all 43 members of the ship’s crew, as well as the captain, have been detained in a Cuban institution to be questioned and observed. The Coast Guard says they will work with authorities in other countries, including the United States, to solve the “mystery.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.
“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”
According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.
Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.
TRINIDAD, Cuba –
Former prime minister and Cuban president Fidel Castro has been killed, according to reports coming out of Cuba today.
“Mr. Castro was an avid skydiver, and liked to go many times throughout the year,” said a spokesman from within the Cuban government. “He reportedly was not able to deploy his parachute while jumping recreationally in Trinidad.”
Current Cuban president and socialist leader, Raul Castro, said that there will be a memorial service for Fidel Castro on Monday afternoon.
“As the impact to poor old Fidel’s body was too great, there is little to parade through our city squares,” said Raul Castro. “But, we will still be able to remember what a good person he was. Well, you know what I mean. He was okay, right? Anyway, a man has died. It is the only point that you cannot speak poorly of him.”
Fidel Castro, the former communist leader, was 88.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Obama announced today that he would sign documents releasing the trade embargo on trades with Cuba, a blockade that has been in place for over 50 years. The move comes as part of Obama’s campaign to open more doors for American businesses to deal face-to-face with foreign companies.
“I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and that we are also a forgiving nation,” said Obama. “We will never forget the Missile Crisis held over our heads by the Cubans, but we can forgive many nations of many mistakes. This is one time to forgive.”
The embargo has long since blocked any American businesses from dealing with companies based in Cuba. The new ruling would allow goods to once again be bought and sold from the United States to Cuba, and vice-versa.
“This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” said Texas rancher Bubba Reynolds. “I paid over $2,000 for a box of high-end, beautiful Cuba cigars. I thought I was investing in my future. Up until yesterday these beauties were worth over 5 times what I paid. Now they’re junk, because any schmo can get them imported. Next time I deal in illegal trades with other countries, I’ll stick to Colombia and their cocaine.”
The embargo dissolution will not take effect until the first of the new year.
Startling news came through this morning that Fidel Castro is no longer Cuba’s dictator. American intelligence made the revelation that Castro stepped down from the “presidency” in 2008, and the country has secretly been ruled by his brother Raúl since then. Even meetings between the two countries have primarily taken place between Barack Obama and Raúl Castro. This shocking news is set to rock international relations, especially in the region.
“Our sources are foolproof, and we have confirmed what until now no one suspected,” an intelligence agent told Empire News, on condition of anonymity. “During a routine Wikipedia scouring, we found the information hidden among reams of text detailing the political careers of both Fidel and Raúl. We immediately reported to the Office of the President, the CIA, Interpol, and the UN.”
Fidel Castro has been a thorn in America’s side for decades, and Raúl’s transition to presidency may be a good thing for the US.
“As we speak, information about Raúl Castro is being uncovered at a remarkable pace,” the source continued. “Wikipedia contains tons of information on the current Cuban president, which you’ll find if you know to look in the right places. It’s just incredible stuff that’s coming through. We just need to find citations for some of the info, and we can move forward from there.”
Who is Raúl Castro?
Raúl Castro served as a commander in the Cuban Revolution. He has had a long political career, culminating in his taking over of the presidency in 2008. The 83 year old is expected to serve as president of the country until 2018, barring any further spectacular developments as we have seen today.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The White House announced today the President’s pick for Ambassador to Cuba. The President has chosen rapper Snoop Dogg, a decision that curiously did not seem to ruffle too many feathers.
“My choices for Ambassadors have been the target of right-wing attacks in the past,” said President Obama. “It’s true some of my picks on the surface seem bizarre. Soap opera stars and campaign contributors who know nothing of the country or even the language of the countries they are appointed to. What people don’t realize is that it’s more important to represent America well than to actually care about the country you’re in.”
Obama went on to explain that he spends many hours laying awake at night, deciding who should be appointed to which country.
“My choice in appointing Mr. Dogg as Ambassador to Cuba is a good one, as even far right racists will have a hard time complaining. Mr. Dogg knows the language, he has family from Cuba on his Mother’s side, and since ‘his mind is on his money and his money is on his mind’, he has never contributed to any of my campaigns.”
“I’m going to be a great Ambassador,” said Snoop Dogg through a haze of smoke. ”I love Cubans, especially the ladies and the cigars. Those things can be rolled into the best blunts on the planet. I can see it now, me and Castro, smoking blunts at the beach, talking about freedom and democracy. It’s going to be chill. I’m all about chillaxing, love, and the American way. Cuba will be the most laid back place in the world once the Dogg gets there.”