WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.
“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”
According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.
Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Obama announced today that he would sign documents releasing the trade embargo on trades with Cuba, a blockade that has been in place for over 50 years. The move comes as part of Obama’s campaign to open more doors for American businesses to deal face-to-face with foreign companies.
“I believe that America is the greatest nation in the world, and that we are also a forgiving nation,” said Obama. “We will never forget the Missile Crisis held over our heads by the Cubans, but we can forgive many nations of many mistakes. This is one time to forgive.”
The embargo has long since blocked any American businesses from dealing with companies based in Cuba. The new ruling would allow goods to once again be bought and sold from the United States to Cuba, and vice-versa.
“This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” said Texas rancher Bubba Reynolds. “I paid over $2,000 for a box of high-end, beautiful Cuba cigars. I thought I was investing in my future. Up until yesterday these beauties were worth over 5 times what I paid. Now they’re junk, because any schmo can get them imported. Next time I deal in illegal trades with other countries, I’ll stick to Colombia and their cocaine.”
The embargo dissolution will not take effect until the first of the new year.