cult

LOS ANGELES, California –

After a very back-and-forth week for Tim Burton and Beetlejuice fans, it can now be confirmed that a sequel is in the works. Originally Burton was rumored to have said that it wasn’t happening, then original stars Wynona Ryder and Michael Keaton confirmed that it was. Just a few days ago, a rep for Burton denied that a sequel was happening. All of the rumors can be put to rest, as Tim Burton himself has finally made a public announcement on the film’s future.

“We are definitely going ahead with ‘Bettlejuice 2’,” said Burton in a post on his social media pages. “I know there has been some hurt feelings on the part of the fans, and some rumors and some other garbage going around. I want to put a stop to all the lies and rumors. We are, at this moment, writing a sequel that we hope to begin filming later this year for release sometime in 2017 or early 2018.”

Burton went on to drop another bombshell, though, on his fans, in the casting department.

“Although we are extremely excited to bring fans of the first film a new look into the lives of the characters, there will be one major change, and that’s with who will be playing Bettlejuice,” said Burton. “Although many people believe that no one could play the part like Keaton, the man has gone on to win Oscars and play highbrow characters in arty films, and so we have decided that the part will be better suited to Johnny Depp.”

According to Burton, the story will continue where the original left off, with Lydia now married and with a child of her own.

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.

“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”

Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.

“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”

Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.

“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”

Tim Burton Confirms ‘Beetlejuice 2’ Actually Happening; Keaton Out – Replaced With Johnny Depp

Revealed: Tom Cruise The Father Of 300 Children