Psychiatrist Says That He Has Discovered ‘Cure’ For Depression

depression

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A psychiatrist in Boston says that he has found the perfect cure for clinical depression, and it will get many people off their lifelong medications.

“I have discovered that the cure is quite simple,” said Dr. Marvin Leroy, of Boston. “When I have a patient come in and tell me they’re feeling depressed, I simply tell them to cheer up, and stop being such a Debby-Downer. As of right now, I have a 100% success rate, as not a single patient of mine returns for a follow-up visit.”

Dr. Leroy says he plans to publish his findings in the next Harvard Medical Journal, which is published bi-yearly.

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms

poop

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

Man Says His Cancer Was Cured By Contracting AIDS

aids

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

John Johnson, 38, was diagnosed with bone cancer in 2013, and was given 6 months to a year to live by his doctors. Today, Johnson is cancer free, thanks to what he says is the “life giver,” otherwise known as AIDS.

“When the doctors told me I had 6 months left, I was a mess,” said Johnson. “After a week or so, I pulled myself together, and I went out on the town. Nay, I went out on the country! I started traveling, and, frankly, I fucked anything that moved. It was a great time, but then I started noticing that I was losing some serious weight. I thought it was the cancer, but I was wrong.”

Much to his surprise, a return visit to his doctor shows that Johnson had completely beaten cancer, but that he had contracted AIDS.

“It’s crazy to me that all this time, the cure to cancer was right there in front of us,” said Johnson. “It makes total sense where there are no people with AIDS who also have cancer. It seems that the two diseases simply cancel each other out.”

According to his doctors, Johnson will live a life free of cancer, but that his outlook with AIDS is grim; they expect that he will not see the end of 2016.

“Hey, they’ve been wrong before, you know?” said Johnson. “At this point, I’m just going to keep doing my thing, and the good Lord Satan will take me whenever he’s ready to. Not much I can do except enjoy this time!”

New Study Finds Eating Dried Seaweed Can Cure Diabetes

TOKYO, Japan – 

Most of the nation is overweight or obese, and a good majority of Americans suffer from diabetes, but a new food study may help to combat the scourge of high blood sugar.

According to the Toyko Medical Journal, a diet consisting of dried, salted seaweed snacks can help to cure diabetes in patients who suffer from the disease. Dr. Hoy Mokato has been studying the effects of seaweed on diabetics for more than a decade, and has recently published his findings.

“Seaweed is plentiful and inexpensive, and high in iodine and other nutrients good for your diet,” said Mokato. “In a person with diabetes, eating nothing but dried seaweed has the effect of curing their ailment. It is a remarkable step in reversing the effects diabetics can suffer from.”

According to Mokato, a person who suffers from diabetes needs to eat a single serving of dried, salted seaweed every day – approximately 4oz – and nothing else.

“Eat one packet of seaweed, and drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day,” said Mokato. “If you do this, and you eat and drink nothing else for 5 to 6 months, your body will rid itself of your diabetes. I have seen it happen in 100% of my patients, and it will work for everyone.”

Mokato plans to fully publish his results in the coming months.

Doctors Create Literal ‘Cure For Love’

Doctors Create Literal 'Cure For Love'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A team of doctors and scientists at Boston University has discovered what they say is a literal ‘cure for love,’ which when injected, can actually stop all feelings of love that someone may have for someone or something else.

“We can actually get very specific with the way the medicine works, and target receptors that are only about one specific person,” said Dr. Gary Moore. “Basically, say you have a relationship that ends badly, and one party cannot get over their now ex-partner. With our drug, we can inject just one shot in the jugular vein, and their love for that person will immediately diminish.”

Researchers began work on this new drug, which many are hailing as a modern miracle, after lead scientist Fred London lost his dog of 18 years, Pookie. “Pookie died after a long illness, and I could not get over him,” said London. “I began looking for ways that I could remove that love, that loss, from my life. 3 years later, we have finally made it possible to leave that broken heart behind for good.”

Testing has only recently begun with human subjects, after trials with other mammals went extremely well.

“We gave our drug to a horse, and it instantly didn’t care anymore that we had cut off its legs for glue,” said Dr. Moore. “The same was true in other animals we tested it on. I personally volunteered to go first in the human trials, too, as as they were beginning, I had just gone through a nasty divorce with my cheating-whore wife, who I loved very dearly. After one shot, I barely even gave a shit anymore that she was sleeping with my best friend for 3 years behind my back.”

Booth Dr. Moore and London say that they are expecting FDC approval on their drug by the end of the year, with test continuing through the summer months.

Scientist Says He Discovered Cure For AIDS; Reportedly ‘Very Simple’

empire-news-cure-for-cancer-scientist-researcher-cured

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.

Cure For Cancer Discovered; ‘Amazingly Simple’ Says Researcher

empire-news-cure-for-cancer-scientist-researcher-curedOrono, Maine — Medical researchers at the University of Maine have discovered the long-sought cure for cancer. According to lead researcher Dr. Emma Kingston, the cure was so amazingly simple, they don’t understand how someone didn’t find it before now.
Said Kingston, “I was practically in shock. The medical community has been conducting research for literally decades trying to find the cure for cancer. And for the actual cure to be so simple. Stunning, really. And to be clear, we’re not just talking about one type of cancer here. We’re talking about all types of cancer for all people.”
Dr. Elmer Hudson, a colleague of Dr. Kingston’s, expressed some reservations at making such sweeping claims. “We need to be careful here. While yes the cure is 100% effective for most people and all types of cancer, there are still isolated instances with some types of people who have some types of cancer that the level of immediate complete remission is only 94.6%. That other 5.4% of cancer patients did not experience complete immediate remission. They all exhibited flu-like symptoms for up to 2 weeks before they were completely cured.”
Kingston went on to explain that everything needed for the cure is available at any local drugstore. In fact, according to Kingston, you can probably get most of the items at a reasonably stocked convenience store. Even Dr. Hudson admitted that a person can go to a drugstore, spend perhaps twenty dollars, go home and be completely cured in about thirty minutes.
The complete findings will be released in the next issue of The Journal Of Medical Things In Maine which is issued every two years by the University. Since the previous version came out just last month, it will be almost the full two years before the next issue.
Dr. Kingston, practically giddy, said “When our findings are made public it will change the world. And only 23 months to wait.”

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